My short review of All Through The House is that it’s the literal worst movie I’ve seen this year, and the worst holiday horror I’ve ever had the misfortune to experience. The effort I put into writing that is more than anyone participating in the actual movie bothered with. 

Evil Santa is disappointed in this movie

Released in 2015, the story revolves around a young woman named Rachel. Her mother vanished years ago. So she was raised by her alcoholic foul-mouthed grandmother.

Their next-door neighbor, Mrs. Garrett, just adores Rachel. Possibly because her daughter vanished as well.

They live in a neighborhood that seems to specialize in having the laziest Christmas decorations I’ve ever seen in my damn life. There are a plethora of mannequins dressed as dirty, cheap Santas. And everyone’s hung their lights in the same shitty, lazy way.

The lack of passion these people express in their decorating is exactly on par with the lack of passion in the writing and the acting in this holiday humdrum horror. 

On this Christmas Eve, there’s a killer on the loose. A killer who’s going from house to house, dressed as one of those shitty Santa mannequins. The killer is indiscriminately murdering people, and cutting off their gentiles if they happen to be male. I didn’t need to see a Santa sack full of sliced-off dicks. But now I have.

She’s thinking about how to put this on her resume

For a movie that has almost nothing going for it, it really has nothing going for it. The gore is tasteless and unimaginative. At one point we see a cat begin to eat a man’s genitals. At another point, we’re treated to a woman being stabbed through her breast with garden shears. Neither scene looks particularly realistic. 

The acting is bland and awkward as hell. At no point does anyone seem like they’re having fun. Every single interaction between characters feels like they just recognized each other from a porno. 

Speaking of a porno, that’s about the level of writing you can expect. The dialog is completely unauthentic. The story itself, what little of it there is, is cliche. The character’s reasons for committing atrocities attempt to be sympathetic. But they miss that mark by a North Pole mile. And not a single person in this movie seems to understand what self-preservation means.

I truly hope that All Through The House doesn’t end up assaulting your senses this holiday season. It’s a loveless little cash grab that’s best left alone with the dry fruitcake.