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Before I even begin with the plot, I just want to say that SAMMAZM (no, that’s not an old incantation to summon Pazuzu) found my alley and went right up it. Like, right up that alley, my friends. I think I need surgery to get it out.

As you may know, I am a fan of campy, schlocky goodness. I drink it down deep and enjoy the burn, like a fine whiskey. So, their movie, with its boyish wish-fulfillment fantasies featuring zombies, babes, and riding sky-high ollies while yelling, “Later, bitches” isn’t my cup of tea. It IS my tea. And, sure, we’ll get into some of the flaws and my brain roll juice, of course, but I was ecstatic to watch this and it did not disappoint.

The Plot:

So, this is actually two movies. It is, in large part, a documentary and also the final film. So, let’s take them both as separate beasts. 

The documentary is about real-life best friends, Sam Suchmann and Mattie Zufelt. They have been very close friends since childhood, often doing what every aspiring film-maker does with their friends – making crappy movies in the backyard. However, their dream went bigger than just those movies and they dreamed big – they wanted to make their own teen zombie movie. So, with the help of Sam’s brother, Jesse, they set out to do just that, while also learning a plethora of lessons along the way.

The movie portion is a wild ride that is part Andy Sedaris, Charles Band and Velocipastor. The story goes: the Smith brothers are born on the same day, literally as “brothers from a different mother”. And all is okay-doke until Satan shows up to be a massive dick. After being told to “grow up”, the devil kills the mothers and plots his revenge against the brothers. 

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Twenty years later, these dudes ROCK (like, literally, they’re in a band). They fight off bullies, are members of underground martial arts gyms, and are gifted with bionic powers to survive Satan’s zombie, demon, and zombie-demon hordes. It is a kaleidoscope of fake blood, Pauly D, and slow-mo action scenes that are cooler than you will ever be (no matter what your mom says). 

Thoughts:

So many thoughts. So, so many. 

First off, I love the “making of” process alongside the movie. For many aspiring indie film-makers it really shows the process of making it all work (including begging people for money and free work). It’s exhausting. It’s time-consuming. It is a labor of love. It’s not easy. 

Pictured: somewhere between zombie, demon or zombie-demon

The dudes showed their dedication and commitment throughout the whole thing, even when things got tough and it would have been easier to just give up. I enjoyed the scenes when they would argue plot structure or nonsensical details that they wanted to be in their movie because it really is their movie. 

Their chemistry and writing is fun and engaging. These are two seriously funny dudes, especially when you get them in a room together. And I’ll be honest, I was on Sam’s wavelength and vibes for most of the movie. His wit and self-deprecating humor is on point and I’m hoping to see more scripts from him and Mattie in the future. 

Pictured: yessssssifeelthatsam

There are a few problematic areas, however. The first being the cuts in the actual movie, to explain certain scenes, were incredibly abrupt and took me out of the momentum. It happens three times and after the first part being all documentary, and at that point, I just really wanted to watch the whole damn movie without any interruptions. I think those should have been added prior, just like the rest of the documentary and that would have been a better flow.  

Also, I appreciated the “girl power” moment, but I would like more of that in their sequel…maybe a secret half-sister? I agreed with the director that there’s a fine line of wish-fulfillment and misogyny, and thankfully, they did pull back after consideration. To be honest, more time exploring their relationships would have been a great way to further engage the audience and to pad the time. We would get more of a sense of who these bionic warriors were and are, especially in relation to other people in their lives. 

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But on the other hand, one huge thing that thoroughly delighted me was the absolute paradigm shifts in the plot and how unaffected the characters were. There were times that they just didn’t give a fuuuuuck (pg-13 means I get one f-bomb, thanks). For example when Sam’s girlfriend was like, “I’ll break up with you if you don’t do what I say.” And his response was basically, “Yeah, okay. Whatever.” 

There were quite a few scenes like that where their utter dismissal of another character when there’s usually some kind of emotional bond was hilarious. Same with one of my favorite scenes with Mattie and a zombie, where she’s crawling towards him and he just tells her, “I hate you” and then walks back into the house.

Pictured: Comedic Gold

But the real story is about love, and I mean the real story behind SAM AND MATTIE MAKE A ZOMBIE MOVIE. It’s about love of the family we make and the family we’re born into. It’s about taking chances and taking risks. And about working towards (maybe impossible) dreams with the acceptance that the journey is so much more important than the end. 

I really hope to see a sequel from these two and, even more so, I would love to see more scripts. These are incredibly funny writers with heart and cliché-breakers that are so refreshing in the horror genre. They manage to take the tropes of movies we all know and love, and then completely push them out of the way with a “later, bitches”. And we need more of that, especially in our camp movies, as camp never goes out of style and always needs fresh blood.

Brain Roll Juice:

Okay, I’m going to say the thing that stuck out to me and you can feel weird or hate me or whatever, but their movie, Spring Break Zombie Massacre, needed to be an R. That seemed like that was the vision of what these dudes wanted, but were strangely denied. In fact, multiple times during the documentary they were told, “No sex! No nudity!” And a part of me was like:

If these are adults, wanting to make a more adult movie…why not? In fact, sexuality and drinking was completely and utterly stripped away although they were college students portraying college students. Even a kiss seemed risque for this film and…that makes me a bit uncomfortable because it never explains why.

When our society is already squicked about sex in general, the conversation gets so much more complex because people with disabilities are sexual and desire intimacy (should be a ‘no duh’). They have sex lives and should have healthy sex lives. This fact doesn’t go away and isn’t erased just because people don’t want to talk about it. We need to advocate for their sexual health, awareness, and well-being; and, of course, listen to people with disabilities.

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As the National Down Syndrome Society states, “Creating an environment conducive to healthy sexual expression must be considered in designing educational, vocational, social, recreational and residential programs. Positive sexual awareness can only develop through personal empowerment, self-esteem, understanding of social relationships and personal interaction/communication skills.”

Building this personal empowerment and identity is crucial because if there isn’t any education and awareness, it can lead to being taken advantage of. In fact, people with intellectual disabilities are sexually assaulted at a rate seven times higher than those without disabilities. And the National Down Syndrome Society explains that, too. And telling two adults, without any clear reasons, that they can’t show some titties or an after-sex scene in their own movie doesn’t seem empowering.

But I want to be crystal clear that I am just on the outside looking in, so I don’t know everything in the background of that discussion or in their lives. Maybe it was for budgeting reasons. Maybe for distribution reasons. I don’t know (it was never said why).

However, I just wanted to bring into focus something that stuck out to me as a viewer and I will admit that I’m hoping the sequel thinks about this. It’s clear the dudes wanna show their characters being as badass as possible and they want to be swimming in V. I would something more substantial for a female cast member and exploring the relationship with them (maybe even a girl comes between the brothers and Mattie is the “but I’m just in it for the V” type and Sam’s like, “no, dude, you have to be in it for the love” – just spitballing here).

Plus, look how badass these dudes are

Regardless, I’m sure with the creative ingenuity of Sam and Mattie, the two ideas could meet and make for a movie that the fans and the directors both want. Tag me in your next kick-starter, my dudes; I’ll gladly fork over the cash. 

Bottomline:

If you love camp with a background into how films are made, but also something with some heart, you’ve found it, my dude.

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5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

And to that, I say:

When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

Movies n TV

Mercy Christmas is a horrible, delicious Christmas horror movie

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Christmas time is here! It’s time to listen to the same five songs until your ears bleed, spend time with people you’d fake your own death to avoid the rest of the year and stuff yourself with way too much food. And, it’s time for my favorite holiday tradition, watching horrible Christmas movies to tell you all exactly how god-awful they are. Let’s start with Mercy Christmas, a film about a family with a unique set of holiday traditions. And, a unique holiday menu.

The story

Our main character is named Michael Briskett. He’s a lonely man working a dull job with an abusive boss. But he’s doing his best to have a good Christmas. He even throws a party for everyone at his work.

No one shows up, though, except for the boss’s beautify assistant, Cindy. Together they have some drinks, and eventually, she invites him to her family’s Christmas celebration.

Personally, if a woman that beautiful had asked me out, I’d assume she thought I had money. But poor Michael is so swept up in being included that he jumps on the chance.

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When he arrives at the family home of the Robillards, he finds two nasty surprises waiting. The first is that Cindy’s brother is Andy, his horrible boss. The second is that the family intends to eat him and three other people throughout Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.

After that is, Michael finishes up a work project for Andy. Because it’s not bad enough that he will be eaten, he also has to work over Christmas.

Casey O'Keefe in Mercy Christmas.

What worked

There are two kinds of bad Christmas movies. The ones that are actually bad, like Gingerdead Man, and the ones that are bad in all the wonderfully right ways that make them a real holiday treat. Mercy Christmas was one of the latter.

First, no one is taking a single second of this seriously. The writers sure didn’t, when they wrote a scene in which Michael and Eddie are tied together by Christmas tree lights to battle the Robillards. The actors didn’t. Half the time you can see them holding back a mighty laugh with all of their might. The stunt coordinators, the costume department, and the effects team were all doing their very best to make this movie as hilarious as possible. Because at every moment, every detail was selected to be funny and festive rather than serious. Cindy wearing a cross to church service. The pineapple on the roast leg. Grandma insisting that they do stockings at her specific time, as though they haven’t got three strangers tied up in the basement. All of this was funny as hell, exactly as it was supposed to be.

Steven Hubbell and  D.J. Hale in Mercy Christmas.

Every single person involved with Mercy Christmas was having a fantastic time. As I mentioned, the whole cast felt like they were about to start laughing. There is so much joy in their faces, even when it’s not exactly a joyful scene. But it’s the attention to comical detail that makes it clear that this movie was a labor of love for everybody.

Finally, I adore that the Robillard family acts exactly how we all picture people behaving at a big family Christmas. At least, if the family has money. Everyone’s arguing over food, talking about how they miss their mom, and fussing at each other. But everyone is also doing their little part to make Christmas great for their family after suffering the loss of their beloved mom.

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If they weren’t eating people, this could have been a Hallmark Christmas movie.

What didn’t work

All of that being said, there was one thing that bothered me about this movie.

Over and over, we come back to the fact that Mrs. Robillard died. It’s brought up often enough that I thought for sure that it was going to be a bigger plot point. But it isn’t. That just seems to be window dressing for the family.

This felt like failed misdirection. When misdirection is done well, we don’t care about it anymore after the sleight of hand is accomplished. But there is no sleight of hand here. There is no misdirection. We’re just left wondering why the hell the mother was brought up so often if nothing was going to come of it.

All in all, Mercy Christmas was a fun, bloody movie with some incredibly satisfying moments. And while I don’t know if it’ll make it on my list every year, I can see myself coming back for seconds.

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4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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Movies n TV

Low point or a daring experiment? Halloween VI (1995) Review

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To a lot of fans, this is the film that killed the franchise. It says a lot that the next installment is yet another retcon. Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers attempts to explain Michael’s unrelenting evil, which lead to mixed opinions from longtime fans. There are two cuts of the film, theatrical vs producer’s. For a lot of people, the latter is the only one worth mentioning. Aiming to be as accurate as possible, I will be talking about the producer’s cut. Let’s begin! 

Plot

We start Halloween VI with a six-year time jump from part five. Jamie is now barefoot and recently pregnant, running away from Michael as he wants her baby. While she manages to hide the little one away, Michael finally gets his hunger satiated by killing her. The moment is one of the most brutal ways in the franchise up until that point. Rest in peace, Jamie, you held your ground for as long as you could, the sequels were just too relentless. 

The movie then cuts to a whole different scene going on. We have a new family living in the Myers house and their youngest child is hearing voices telling him to kill his loved ones. Tommy Lloyd is watching the family, played by none other than Paul Rudd in his first-ever theatrical role. Tommy still carries trauma from the events all those years ago when Laurie Strode was babysitting him. So when he finds Jamie’s baby, his part in the story becomes even more essential. 

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Dr Loomis also stars in what was Donald Pleasance’s final role before his passing. He and Tommy try to stop Michael once and for all before the cycle can repeat itself. As it turns out, Michael is a victim of a druid cult which makes him want to kill his family members every Halloween. Thorn, the cult in question, thinks they can control Michael and make him do their bidding. This results in catastrophe and Michael goes berzerk and kills all the cult members. Once again, it’s one of the most gruesome montages for the franchise up until that point.  

Tommy and Kara are left to face Michael on their own which they manage to do with some corrosive liquid and good luck. However, nothing stays dead in this franchise as it’s soon revealed Michael somehow escaped and this time Dr Loomis might not be so lucky… 

Overall thoughts

I would say for me personally Halloween VI definitely ranks somewhere near the bottom. The whole point of Michael is that there is no rhyme or reason to his killings and this film tries to go against that. I am glad the mistake was rectified by the upcoming installment. There were still some good things about it, such as Paul Rudd’s acting that reveals some raw talent as far as I’m concerned, as well as some direction choices and musical score. However, I also think it absolutely deserves all the criticism that it gets. 

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2.5 out of 5 stars (2.5 / 5)

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Movies n TV

American Horror Stories, The Thing Under The Bed

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We’ve reached the final episode of American Horror Stories, season three. After the ups and downs of the season, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that we were due a big finish, Killer Queens. But I feared we were in for a big letdown.

As it turns out, The Thing Under The Bed was neither.

The story

We begin our story with a little girl named Mary, who is scared of something under her bed. She sneaks out of her room, only to be caught by her father and sent back to sleep. And of course, there is something horrible waiting for her under her bed.

Debby Ryan in American Horror Stories.

This scene cuts away to a woman named Jillian. She has strange dreams, including one about Mary. But her husband, Mark, doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s only interested in a little lovemaking because he wants a baby. Jillian doesn’t, which makes total sense because she’s already married to one. But her irritation with her childish husband goes away when he goes away. And by goes away, I mean he’s sloppily devoured by something vicious under their bed.

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What worked

In short, this episode just worked. The acting was professional and believable. The cinematography and lighting work were wonderful, adding spooky effects and startling moments without impairing visibility.

Best of all, the story was solid. There were no plotholes to be found. Our main character, Jillian, was relatable and sympathetic.

This was maybe my favorite part of the story. I thought Jillian was a remarkably sympathetic character. She was dealt a hand she never asked for, having her husband slaughtered in their bedroom. I don’t think she missed him, so much as she was afraid of the legal ramifications of being caught with literal blood on her hands.

Then, when it would have been safest for her to just lay low and save up for a good defense attorney, she instead goes into unlikely hero mode. She does her best to save people, putting herself in legal and physical danger. It’s hard not to root for her.

It’s also a little hard not to root for the antagonist, too. I don’t want to ruin the twist for you, so I’m going to tread lightly here. But it’s great when you have an antagonist who might be off their rocker, but also maybe has a point.

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What didn’t work

I can only really think of one complaint with this episode. And that is how frequently one character says the word Chickadee. And if you’ve seen the episode, you know what I am talking about.

I get it, he has a pet name for his daughter. It’s adorable. It’s meant to convey that the two of them have a healthy loving relationship and I get it. We all get it. Blind monks get it. But the fact remains that no parent on Earth calls their kid by their pet name every single time they speak an individual sentence to them. It was just too damn much.

All in all, this was a good episode. It was a classic story, turned on its head, told by professionals from start to finish. And I hope that if there is another season, we see more stories like this one. But after the efforts put into this season at large, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last we see of American Horror Stories.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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