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Happy 4/20/20, my friends! It’s time to responsibly and legally toke up, make them brownies, and enjoy the happy high of this great national/international holiday.

In honor of 4/20/20, the 4-est and the 20-est of them all, I’ve sat down to partake in the Charles Band’s film, Evil Bong.

The Plot:

Nerd character is now renting room with slacker/d-bag character, jock character, and surfer character. They are all bros and/or dudes. They like to get high. Surfer’s catchphrase is “monkey”. Jock has, like 5 small trophies that he doesn’t want anything else to touch. Nerd is getting a MA in chemistry with a BA in metaphysics. They like to get high except nerd.

Welcome to the Bro pad, my man

Slacker finds an ad about a cursed bong rumored to give ultimate highs. He buys it. It arrives. It’s very big and ugly, but slacker thinks it’s beautiful. They get high.      

Pictured: Super spooky bong

There are two girls. One is into nerd. The other one is into jock. They leave.

Pictured: girls and jock

Surfer and Slacker get high. Surfer’s soul is sucked into the bong. It’s a strip club filled with other Full Moon lesser character cameos for some reason. Blade is not there. I’m sad.

Surfer is seduced by lady with a very rubbery vampire skull bra. The bra bites him and he dies. I’m still hoping Blade will swing by and just cut everyone’s throats. I won’t even mind the mouth-sounds.

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Anytime, Blade…anytime…

Surfer is dead in the real world. Bummer. They hide the body. Nerd is upset. Slacker’s grandpa comes by and is the only actor in the movie for a really unnecessary but the only enjoyable scene with life. Grandpa leaves.

Bong keeps killing people by bringing them into Stripperland. It now has a face and a voice, but the voice must be telepathic because the lips don’t move. I am watching the time. It feels like eternity.

They get high. The bong keeps killing. Tommy Chong makes an obligatory cameo.

So…who will…I don’t know…win? [insert teaser ending here when you care enough]

Thoughts:

This was actually not my first rodeo with this film. Nor second (I have no respectable life). I had a friend that actually liked this movie and because Charles Band will sell his property for a penny and a song, I have this on a Full Moon compilation DVD that I picked up for less than a penny and a song.

This has Charles Band’s recent and greasy fingerprints all over it and feels like it was shot in a very hectic and long day. There’s no real comedy. There’s no real horror. There’s no real emotion or story. It seems like every take was the first and only. There’s even a point when Nerd pokes himself in the eyes with his own glasses and they don’t re-edit it.

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Nope, keep it in the film. He’s embodying the audience’s desires right now.

The music is unbearable, although the beginning song was enjoyable. My aforementioned friend was a little obsessed with the hip-hop version of Old King Cole, so I’ll give a shout-out to that.

There were more obnoxious transitions than in any sit-com, even including That 70’s Show. The creature design was disappointing and rubbery. The best character was grandpa and only because he actually had life and energy to him, ironically. The set up for the new grandma was too long, but was the funniest thing in the movie and even then, it wasn’t super funny (although new grandma was adorable).

The actress (Robin Sydney) that had that one spaz scene with the pogo stick and adult-snuggle device, screaming she’s ready for adult-snuggle time – just…good for her. I hope she got extra for that scene. She gave it her all. It wasn’t funny, but it was…something.

Frantic pogo-ing should be a sport

Brain Roll Juice:

Yes, this did give me some juice to roll my brain in. Weird, huh?

It’s not a good film. I really don’t even know who the audience is, except for maybe the “dudes” and “brahs” of the early-mid 2000’s that think just the concept of an evil bong is funny enough? There were a lot of films like this in what I would consider a counter-culture of the late 90’s and mid-20’s – the burnouts. Some films were successful like Harold and Kumar, while others were…this.

It’s interesting how the culture has changed recently, though. We are in the midst of several states introducing the legalization of cannabis and cannabis reform proposals. From medicine, to anxiety, to just recreational use, weed is becoming more of a social norm than taboo. We are separating from the stoner caricatures of past. One can smoke weed and still be a decent and functioning member of society, breaking the shackles of our Reefer Madness days.

Hell, even my grandma, stout Catholic, had given her shrug of approval when the vote came to her state. She said that it just didn’t seem to matter because it was “different than before”. While strains of pot have changed, sure, it’s our perceptions that have shifted the most. That being said, I would love for an evil bong movie. Either a comedy or a straight-up horror movie. As comedy, the shift in our attitudes could be a great place to start, ala 21 Jump Street and Netflix’s The Babysitter. As horror movie, there’s a lot of potential to recall our hysterias of the past. Hell, even true stories like when some teens dug up a child’s body and turned the skull into a bong would be a great launching pad.

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There’s a good story in there, one that doesn’t insult the viewer’s intelligence and doesn’t exhaust their patience. Maybe we can ask Jordan Peele to have a go at it. I’m sure we’d at least have better music and zero scene transitions.

Bottom-line:

Nope. Don’t waste your time and/or weed on this. 1 out of 5 stars (1 / 5)

When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

Movies n TV

Smile 2: A Poor Rate Second.

“Break a leg out there.”

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Smile 2, a psychological supernatural horror, released in October 2024 just in time for Halloween, sees director Parker Finn (Smile, Laura Hasn’t Slept) return with a sequel starring Naomi Scott (Aladdin) as pop star and recovering addict Skye Riley. While Smile 2 boasts a talented cast, it ultimately falls short of its predecessor, offering a familiar storyline with minor variations and a predictable finale. The film attempts to introduce a new method to combat the parasitic ‘Smile Entity’, but this addition fails to elevate the sequel beyond a pale imitation of its chilling predecessor.

The Plot.

Smile 2 begins shortly after the end of the original; just six days after Rose Cotter’s death. During a short interlude scene, we watch as the now cursed Joel attempts to pass the Smile Entity on by killing one criminal in front of another. The plan backfires spectacularly, inadvertently passing the curse onto an innocent bystander named Lewis Fregoli.


The film then shifts gears, introducing Skye Riley, a singer and performer making a triumphant return to the spotlight with a comeback tour after a tumultuous past. During a candid interview on the Drew Barrymore Show, Skye opens up about her struggles with addiction and the devastating loss of her boyfriend in a car accident. Her sobriety journey, however, faces a severe setback when she seeks pain relief from her old high school friend, the unwitting Lewis Fregoli. In a chilling turn of events, Lewis takes his own life while Skye watches, passing the Smile Entity onto her.
Unaware of her new cursed existence Skye gets on with rehearsing for her tour, but she begins to notice that strange things are happening. People are smiling at her in an unnatural way and she becomes the target of anonymous attacks and aggressions. When text messages begin to arrive from an unknown number, Skye decides to get some answers.

Highlights.

Let’s not beat about the bush. I found Smile 2 difficult to finish and was struggling at about the hour-and-a-half mark to stay awake. That being said it’s worth watching because everyone needs to see the 3-minute scene of the ‘smilers’ chasing Skye through her apartment. This was possibly the creepiest thing I’ve seen on a screen.  The buildup, the synchronicity of the movement of the actors and their positioning, the camera work, and the lighting. I have rewatched it several times and it doesn’t get old. If you are only interested in watching this, fast forward to the 123-minute mark and get ready to be impressed.

Drawbacks.

Where do I start?

My primary concern with Smile 2 is its striking resemblance to its predecessor. The narrative follows a familiar pattern: an attractive woman fleeing a supernatural force, grappling with hallucinations, experiencing a mental health decline, and culminating in the revelation someone close to Skye was the Smiling Entity after all. This repetitive structure diminishes the film’s impact.

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While the introduction of a new method for shedding the entity initially offered a glimmer of hope this concept wasn’t fully realized. It just served to add names to the line of people that the entity has infected in the past.

Furthermore, the film’s pacing suffers from excessive focus on Skye’s musical career. Scenes showcasing her stage rehearsals and music videos, while intended to establish her identity as a performer, feel unnecessary and detract from the narrative momentum. Yes, we understand she’s a performer, you told us, you don’t need to prove it. These scenes appear to artificially inflate the film’s runtime, suggesting a lack of confidence in the core story.

The Final Take.

Ultimately, Smile 2 fails to expand upon the established lore of the franchise. The film’s conclusion feels contrived, with a blatant setup for a third installment. Hopefully, if a ‘Smile 3’ is inevitable, the creative team will bring fresh ideas and avoid simply retreading familiar ground.

2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

Both Cthulhu’s granted for that one scene.

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Movies n TV

Goosebumps, Stay Out Of The Basement Pt 2, could have just been one part

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We’re back again with Goosebumps The Vanishing, episode two. A story too big for one episode, apparently.

Or, maybe this is just a nod to the fact that Stay Out Of The Basement was a two-part episode in the original 1995 show. Either way, after seeing this episode, we could have kept it to one.

The story

We begin this second episode with Anthony investigating the parasitic plant taking over his body. Rather than, I don’t know, going to the hospital, he’s decided to phone a colleague and send her some samples from the bulb he pulls out of his arm with a handheld garden trowel.

David Schwimmer in Goosebumps The Vanishing.

Meanwhile, Devin is having his own worries. He’s haunted by what he saw in the sewers. So, he gets CJ to go with him to investigate. What they find is more of the tendrils of the plant that dragged him down through the manhole last episode.

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I sure would have liked to see more about that.

Instead, we see Devin pivot to flirting with a newly single Frankie. Because teenage hormones I guess.

Meanwhile, Trey is having a terrible day. First, his girlfriend leaves him. Then, Anthony breaks his car window.

Needing a way to deal with his frustration, Trey decides to break into the Brewers’ basement. There, he starts wrecking up the place. Until he meets the plant creature and has an unfortunate accident.

What worked

The big difference between this episode and the last is the increased gross-out factor. This episode had some straight-up cringy moments. From the tendrils waiving from Anthony’s arm to the whole goat he brings home to feed his new pet, this episode was skin-crawling gross in the best way possible.

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The series is called Goosebumps, after all.

What didn’t work

Unfortunately, that’s where my praise ends. This episode, unlike the last, just wasn’t that great.

To start with, there was a lot of unnecessary drama between characters who are not in danger of being eaten by a plant from the inside out.

 Francesca Noel in Goosebumps The Vanishing.

I especially disliked the focus on the Frankie/Trey/Devin love triangle.

Now, I don’t hate it. This part of the story adds extra emotional depth to the show. We can see why Trey would be especially incensed by his girlfriend falling for the son of the neighbor he’s feuding with. But it would be more enjoyable if it wasn’t so cliche and dramatic.

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I hate the way Trey tried to gaslight Frankie. It makes me dislike him when he should be a sympathetic character. I hate how whiny Devin is every time he talks to Frankie. And I hated the impassioned speech Frankie gives after Devin asks her why she was with Trey.

Listen, I understand what we’re going for here. Devin and Cece are not struggling financially. They’re doing alright, and their new friends here in Gravesend are not. We kind of got that without Frankie claiming that her socioeconomic status is why she’s dating a bully and gaslighter. It felt out of place. It felt like pandering. It certainly didn’t feel like something an eighteen-year-old would say. I hated it.

Finally, there was a moment near the end of the episode that irritated me. I don’t want to give too much detail because I wouldn’t dare ruin an R.L. Stine cliffhanger. But, well, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I get that we’re watching a show about a carnivorous plant that is going to wreak havoc on this family and neighborhood. I understand the suspension of disbelief. Some might even say I am a little too generous with it. So I can buy into a teenager being absorbed by a plant and turned into a monstrous version of himself.

I can’t buy into what happens at the end of this episode. It doesn’t make sense with the rules established. It certainly doesn’t make any sort of scientific or logical sense. It is a lazy moment meant to further the storyline but threatens the structural integrity of the season.

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All in all, this wasn’t the best episode of Goosebumps. But it’s only the second episode. Honestly, the season has plenty of time to go either way.

2.5 out of 5 stars (2.5 / 5)

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Movies n TV

Thriller Nite, Poem by Jennifer Weigel Plus

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So, this is a convoluted post, not going to lie. Because it’s Thriller Nite. And we have to kick it off with a link to Michael Jackson in homage, because he’s the bomb and Vincent Price is the master… (If the following video doesn’t load properly, you can get there from this link.)

The movie monsters always approach so slowly.
Their stiff joints arcing in jerky, erratic movements
While the camera pans to a wide-eyed scream.
It takes forever for them to catch their victims.
 
Their stiff joints arcing in jerky, erratic movements
As they awkwardly shamble towards their quarry –
It takes forever for them to catch their victims.
And yet no one ever seems to get away.
 
As they awkwardly shamble towards their quarry –
Scenes shift, plot thickens, minutes tick by endlessly…
And yet no one ever seems to get away.
Seriously, how long does it take to make a break for it?
 
Scenes shift, plot thickens, minutes tick by endlessly…
While the camera pans to a wide-eyed scream.
Seriously, how long does it take to make a break for it?
The movie monsters always approach so slowly.

Robot Dance found subverted street art altered photography from Jennifer Weigel's Reversals series
Robot Dance from Jennifer Weigel’s Reversals series

So my father used to enjoy telling the story of Thriller Nite and how he’d scare his little sister, my aunt. One time they were watching the old Universal Studios Monsters version of The Mummy, and he pursued her at a snail’s pace down the hallway in Boris Karloff fashion. Both of them had drastically different versions of this tale, but essentially it was a true Thriller Nite moment. And the inspiration for this poem.

For more fun music video mayhem, check out She Wolf here on Haunted MTL. And feel free to check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or here on her website.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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