Connect with us

Published

on

It’s about time someone made a movie about killer llamas from outer space. Released in 2015, Llamageddon would’ve swept the “I Can’t Believe They Made This” and the “Craptastic” film awards if such awards existed. Starring Louie the llama, the best actor of this acid trip, Llamageddon is easily one the best times I’ve ever had watching a film completely sober because this, without any exaggeration, is the most flawless, atrociously wonderful piece of crap that I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this is just about the worst movie I’ve ever seen which automatically makes it one of the greatest. With an adorable animated prologue played to heavy metal, Llamageddon starts off with an army (herd?) of llamas getting ready for universal domination.

They’re extraterrestrials living on some llama planet, using space ships designed like animal trailers, and make adorably mean facial expressions as they prepare for takeoff. I actually wish the whole movie took place on this planet and was filmed in this style because it would’ve been the Citizen Kane of llama movies. Evil cartoon llamas doing a Nazi march? Nothing gets better than that.

A single llama crash lands on earth and kills a nice, albeit boring, couple living on a ranch. He kills them Supernatural style with a bucket of blood splattering the walls as the victims scream off camera. Next, we meet the couple’s grandchildren and their mother as they’re leaving the funeral, all of whom seem completely unconcerned about the gruesome (judging by the blood splatter) murder. They refer to it as a “freak accident” as if people getting slaughtered in the middle of the night is some kind of rare medical condition.

The mother forces her kids to stay at the grandparent’s house, alone, while she goes to deal with the will because apparently lawyer offices don’t allow teenagers inside anymore. The only reason I can fathom why this woman is abandoning her children in the middle of nowhere with a murderer on the loose is that she secretly hates her children and wants them to die.

The moment she’s gone, daughter Melanie calls everyone she knows and invites them over for a party while her brother Floyd slumps around like a sad sack of pudding. This is the beginning of the film’s basic set up, but this whole seqeunce feels like some kind of warped dream. These two teenagers are mannequins cursed with life accompanied by personalities downloaded from various Twitter feeds. It’s exactly how I imagined a play about humans written by Martians would look like, which is ironic because while these two are acting like aliens, there’s an actual alien running around outside.

Advertisement

The party bits were probably written under the influence of a massive drug cocktail. However, unlike the kids in Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp, House of Wax, Ma, and other slashers, the party of drunk teenagers/college kids in Llamageddon are actually entertaining. They’re not well developed, likable, or even good character portrayals, most of the acting is brutal, but they’re fun to watch. I wasn’t bored for a single second, and I wasn’t just waiting for them to die. Their deaths only compliment the chaotic silliness of it all.

Plus the order in which they all die is unconventional. The bulk of them all die at once in a hot tub. It’s ridiculous.

The star of this film though is the space llama with his bloodred laser eyes that explode people. I’m not going to give Llamageddon crap for its special effects because you can’t always afford what you had in mind, however, it makes the film so funny it’s impossible not to burst out laughing with every kill scene. My favorite might be the girl who gets beaten to death by two fake llama legs that are just swinging above her face while she struggles. Amazing.

This is both a brilliant and awful movie. I honestly only loved it because of how bad it was and because I love llamas. It’s almost impossible not to like it because it’s so honest in its flaws. Llamageddon was made by film students fresh off graduation. It started out as a short film that turned into a full-length passion project, which makes me love it all the more. It’s here and it might as well have fun, plus it’s actually pretty good for a raw first project that had almost no money. Incredibly entertaining, and weird as f**k.

There are plans to give Llamageddon a sequel, this time starring alpacas, with Louie having a special cameo. The movie will be called Alpacalypse. 2.5 out of 5 stars (2.5 / 5)

Rachel Roth is a writer who lives in South Florida. She has a degree in Writing Studies and a Certificate in Creative Writing, her work has appeared in several literary journals and anthologies. @WinterGreenRoth

Movies n TV

Smile 2: A Poor Rate Second.

“Break a leg out there.”

Published

on

Smile 2, a psychological supernatural horror, released in October 2024 just in time for Halloween, sees director Parker Finn (Smile, Laura Hasn’t Slept) return with a sequel starring Naomi Scott (Aladdin) as pop star and recovering addict Skye Riley. While Smile 2 boasts a talented cast, it ultimately falls short of its predecessor, offering a familiar storyline with minor variations and a predictable finale. The film attempts to introduce a new method to combat the parasitic ‘Smile Entity’, but this addition fails to elevate the sequel beyond a pale imitation of its chilling predecessor.

The Plot.

Smile 2 begins shortly after the end of the original; just six days after Rose Cotter’s death. During a short interlude scene, we watch as the now cursed Joel attempts to pass the Smile Entity on by killing one criminal in front of another. The plan backfires spectacularly, inadvertently passing the curse onto an innocent bystander named Lewis Fregoli.


The film then shifts gears, introducing Skye Riley, a singer and performer making a triumphant return to the spotlight with a comeback tour after a tumultuous past. During a candid interview on the Drew Barrymore Show, Skye opens up about her struggles with addiction and the devastating loss of her boyfriend in a car accident. Her sobriety journey, however, faces a severe setback when she seeks pain relief from her old high school friend, the unwitting Lewis Fregoli. In a chilling turn of events, Lewis takes his own life while Skye watches, passing the Smile Entity onto her.
Unaware of her new cursed existence Skye gets on with rehearsing for her tour, but she begins to notice that strange things are happening. People are smiling at her in an unnatural way and she becomes the target of anonymous attacks and aggressions. When text messages begin to arrive from an unknown number, Skye decides to get some answers.

Highlights.

Let’s not beat about the bush. I found Smile 2 difficult to finish and was struggling at about the hour-and-a-half mark to stay awake. That being said it’s worth watching because everyone needs to see the 3-minute scene of the ‘smilers’ chasing Skye through her apartment. This was possibly the creepiest thing I’ve seen on a screen.  The buildup, the synchronicity of the movement of the actors and their positioning, the camera work, and the lighting. I have rewatched it several times and it doesn’t get old. If you are only interested in watching this, fast forward to the 123-minute mark and get ready to be impressed.

Drawbacks.

Where do I start?

My primary concern with Smile 2 is its striking resemblance to its predecessor. The narrative follows a familiar pattern: an attractive woman fleeing a supernatural force, grappling with hallucinations, experiencing a mental health decline, and culminating in the revelation someone close to Skye was the Smiling Entity after all. This repetitive structure diminishes the film’s impact.

Advertisement

While the introduction of a new method for shedding the entity initially offered a glimmer of hope this concept wasn’t fully realized. It just served to add names to the line of people that the entity has infected in the past.

Furthermore, the film’s pacing suffers from excessive focus on Skye’s musical career. Scenes showcasing her stage rehearsals and music videos, while intended to establish her identity as a performer, feel unnecessary and detract from the narrative momentum. Yes, we understand she’s a performer, you told us, you don’t need to prove it. These scenes appear to artificially inflate the film’s runtime, suggesting a lack of confidence in the core story.

The Final Take.

Ultimately, Smile 2 fails to expand upon the established lore of the franchise. The film’s conclusion feels contrived, with a blatant setup for a third installment. Hopefully, if a ‘Smile 3’ is inevitable, the creative team will bring fresh ideas and avoid simply retreading familiar ground.

2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

Both Cthulhu’s granted for that one scene.

Advertisement

Continue Reading

Movies n TV

Goosebumps, Stay Out Of The Basement Pt 2, could have just been one part

Published

on

We’re back again with Goosebumps The Vanishing, episode two. A story too big for one episode, apparently.

Or, maybe this is just a nod to the fact that Stay Out Of The Basement was a two-part episode in the original 1995 show. Either way, after seeing this episode, we could have kept it to one.

The story

We begin this second episode with Anthony investigating the parasitic plant taking over his body. Rather than, I don’t know, going to the hospital, he’s decided to phone a colleague and send her some samples from the bulb he pulls out of his arm with a handheld garden trowel.

David Schwimmer in Goosebumps The Vanishing.

Meanwhile, Devin is having his own worries. He’s haunted by what he saw in the sewers. So, he gets CJ to go with him to investigate. What they find is more of the tendrils of the plant that dragged him down through the manhole last episode.

Advertisement

I sure would have liked to see more about that.

Instead, we see Devin pivot to flirting with a newly single Frankie. Because teenage hormones I guess.

Meanwhile, Trey is having a terrible day. First, his girlfriend leaves him. Then, Anthony breaks his car window.

Needing a way to deal with his frustration, Trey decides to break into the Brewers’ basement. There, he starts wrecking up the place. Until he meets the plant creature and has an unfortunate accident.

What worked

The big difference between this episode and the last is the increased gross-out factor. This episode had some straight-up cringy moments. From the tendrils waiving from Anthony’s arm to the whole goat he brings home to feed his new pet, this episode was skin-crawling gross in the best way possible.

Advertisement

The series is called Goosebumps, after all.

What didn’t work

Unfortunately, that’s where my praise ends. This episode, unlike the last, just wasn’t that great.

To start with, there was a lot of unnecessary drama between characters who are not in danger of being eaten by a plant from the inside out.

 Francesca Noel in Goosebumps The Vanishing.

I especially disliked the focus on the Frankie/Trey/Devin love triangle.

Now, I don’t hate it. This part of the story adds extra emotional depth to the show. We can see why Trey would be especially incensed by his girlfriend falling for the son of the neighbor he’s feuding with. But it would be more enjoyable if it wasn’t so cliche and dramatic.

Advertisement

I hate the way Trey tried to gaslight Frankie. It makes me dislike him when he should be a sympathetic character. I hate how whiny Devin is every time he talks to Frankie. And I hated the impassioned speech Frankie gives after Devin asks her why she was with Trey.

Listen, I understand what we’re going for here. Devin and Cece are not struggling financially. They’re doing alright, and their new friends here in Gravesend are not. We kind of got that without Frankie claiming that her socioeconomic status is why she’s dating a bully and gaslighter. It felt out of place. It felt like pandering. It certainly didn’t feel like something an eighteen-year-old would say. I hated it.

Finally, there was a moment near the end of the episode that irritated me. I don’t want to give too much detail because I wouldn’t dare ruin an R.L. Stine cliffhanger. But, well, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I get that we’re watching a show about a carnivorous plant that is going to wreak havoc on this family and neighborhood. I understand the suspension of disbelief. Some might even say I am a little too generous with it. So I can buy into a teenager being absorbed by a plant and turned into a monstrous version of himself.

I can’t buy into what happens at the end of this episode. It doesn’t make sense with the rules established. It certainly doesn’t make any sort of scientific or logical sense. It is a lazy moment meant to further the storyline but threatens the structural integrity of the season.

Advertisement

All in all, this wasn’t the best episode of Goosebumps. But it’s only the second episode. Honestly, the season has plenty of time to go either way.

2.5 out of 5 stars (2.5 / 5)

Continue Reading

Movies n TV

Thriller Nite, Poem by Jennifer Weigel Plus

Published

on

So, this is a convoluted post, not going to lie. Because it’s Thriller Nite. And we have to kick it off with a link to Michael Jackson in homage, because he’s the bomb and Vincent Price is the master… (If the following video doesn’t load properly, you can get there from this link.)

The movie monsters always approach so slowly.
Their stiff joints arcing in jerky, erratic movements
While the camera pans to a wide-eyed scream.
It takes forever for them to catch their victims.
 
Their stiff joints arcing in jerky, erratic movements
As they awkwardly shamble towards their quarry –
It takes forever for them to catch their victims.
And yet no one ever seems to get away.
 
As they awkwardly shamble towards their quarry –
Scenes shift, plot thickens, minutes tick by endlessly…
And yet no one ever seems to get away.
Seriously, how long does it take to make a break for it?
 
Scenes shift, plot thickens, minutes tick by endlessly…
While the camera pans to a wide-eyed scream.
Seriously, how long does it take to make a break for it?
The movie monsters always approach so slowly.

Robot Dance found subverted street art altered photography from Jennifer Weigel's Reversals series
Robot Dance from Jennifer Weigel’s Reversals series

So my father used to enjoy telling the story of Thriller Nite and how he’d scare his little sister, my aunt. One time they were watching the old Universal Studios Monsters version of The Mummy, and he pursued her at a snail’s pace down the hallway in Boris Karloff fashion. Both of them had drastically different versions of this tale, but essentially it was a true Thriller Nite moment. And the inspiration for this poem.

For more fun music video mayhem, check out She Wolf here on Haunted MTL. And feel free to check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or here on her website.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

Advertisement
Continue Reading

Trending