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We are blessed on the spookiest of months with a new Joe Bob Briggs special! How fortunate we are for this Fall bounty. Welcome to The Last Drive-In‘s “Halloween Hideaway,” filmed on location in a very familiar location in New Jersey.

The trailer park crew at Shudder brings us two movies for the night, Haunt, and Hack-O-Lantern. So, how did it go? Let’s find out.

Haunt

Opening Rant: In between the night’s skit regarding employee dissatisfaction, Joe Bob talks about fresh fruit and vegetables and agricultural exports.

Haunt was a new experience for me but surprisingly worth it. This 2019 slasher, directed by Scott Beck and Bryan Woods, stars Katie Stevens, Will Brittain, and Lauryn McClain. The film was produced by Eli Roth and very much fits under his horror umbrella: The movie follows a group of young folks who, after a Halloween party, find an isolated haunted house attraction. They give up their cell phones, sign liability waivers, and quickly get separated inside the maze. It turns out the house is a trap and the mysterious group running it has homicidal intentions.

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The movie is very sleek, very modern, and very good overall. It has some surprisingly fun kills, and in a refreshing change from current horror standards, the filmmakers choose not to cut away from them. Many modern horror films do quick cuts before points of impact for various purposes, most often to ensure a larger audience, but Haunt does not shy away from showing this kills with very good special effects work. The number of skull penetrations is impressive.

The movie also handles the issue of cell-phones in a horror movie in a very clever way, even subverting the idea that a cell-phone can essentially save the day. The film even has a very cool version of “the final girl” in Katie Steven’s Harper who, despite one glaring lack of logic that may be hard to attribute to fear alone (seriously… dump the damn bucket), ends up ending the film in a rousing fashion.

The film isn’t perfect though, but few films are: the influences in the script may be glaringly obvious at times, to the point of distraction. The film also does have its coincidences that ultimately work, but the hands of the writers laying out the pieces still feel too contrived. Performances are suitable with only a couple of standouts, such as Katie Stevens and Damien Maffei as the Devil-masked killer. Overall though, these aren’t enough to tank what is an otherwise solid slasher.

Joe Bob’s praise of the film was pretty strong, but he had his issues with the movie. He also addressed horror-bloggers (such as myself) by calling out complaints about the contrivances of the film. Among some of the reveals in his segments, between the increasing ire of the crew, he talked about the unrevealed backstory development of the antagonists. Producer Eli Roth pushed for directors Beck and Woods have a background in mind of the villains, but they had no obligation to share it.

The other fun segment revealed the directors were also the writers of the mega-horror-hit A Quiet Place. With that and Haunt among their credits, which are rapidly growing, Joe Bob suggests we’re likely to see more of them in the future. Joe Bob is right. These are two people worth keeping in mind, especially as horror fans.

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Haunt is a largely smart and satisfying slasher that may wear its influences a little too obviously. 4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

Best Line: “It’s a bit of a work in progress, but I think you’ll like it.” – Ghost (about his face)

When you arrive at the Halloween party without a costume.

Hack-O-Lantern

Opening Rant: Joe Bob talks Ouija boards in a skit that sets up an increasingly dark night for the venerable host.

Haha, oh boy. So, Hack-O-Lantern is not a good movie. We’ll just establish that first. This 1988 satanic slasher is a mess of half-baked ideas, pointless nudity, and incredibly inconsistent logic. So yeah, not a good movie, but still very much fun. Hack-O-Lantern, directed by Jag Mundhra, stars Hy Pyke, Gregory Scott Cummins, and Katina Garner. I use the term “stars” very loosely, here. Not a non-laughable performance in the bunch.

The movie is about a rural community that is the home of a satanic cult that causes all sorts of murderous trouble on Halloween night. Tommy, the lead character, becomes a thrall for his grandfather, the man who runs the satanic cult that seems to meet in a barn and brand bare asses. There’s not much going on in this movie. There’s more backstory than an actual story, as it just ends up being a costumed slasher movie with some very PG-13 Satanic worship and rituals. None of the deaths are particularly memorable, either.

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The film’s largest problem is one of identity: the film was apparently intended to evoke the John Carpenter classic, Halloween, but director Jag Mundhra ended up creating something that borrows less from American sensibilities about Halloween and instead grafts on some of Mundhra’s Indian background, such as an extended musical number with a dancer referencing the deity Kali for… reasons. The movie is very thin in the story and stuffed to the gills with such odd padding, including a multi-minute standup routine in the middle of a night full of massacres.

The whole film just feels amateur. Everything from the lack of research in the “Satanic” hand gesture (it’s literally the ASL sign for “I Love You”), to the hilariously inept and non-threatening cult scenes, to the non-sensical ending. Nothing about the film makes sense. But that’s actually okay. The movie can be hilarious and it’s very much like a precursor to The Room. A film that was intended to be something far different from what it became. While there is fun to be had, it is kind of hollow.

Joe Bob has his usually assemblage of factoids about the production of the film. As always, these were entertaining breaks where we learned interesting things, for example, the producer pushed for full frontal nudity, and it seems the movie was happy to deliver on that front, casting adult actress Jeanna Fine as the platinum blond cult girl. There was also much fun to be had in discussing the inexplicable top-billing and scene-chewing of Hy Pyke.

The storyline that ran through the host segments was fun but also felt a bit off. The segments were shot on location at the Camp No-Be-Bo-Sco grounds in Hardwick, NJ, and led to a great little homage to Friday the 13th. But it was a lot of effort for what felt like a progressively lonelier and lonelier night on set. It’s a clever way of keeping socially distant, yes, and it’s obvious the crew was still around, yet it still felt oddly isolated for little gain. For a show that has grown a dedicated community, there was something that rubbed me the wrong way about the choices made for the host segments, especially for a Halloween special, something that brings the horrorfam together between seasons.

This Halloween film is mid-season material that worked its way into the special.

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2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

Best Line: “But mom, I like the taste of blood. Grandpa said it’s good for me.” – Tommy to his mother

Rough night?

Haunted MTL Drive-In Totals

We start, of course, with the official Drive-In Totals, provided, as always, by the Shudder Twitter account.

Here is our traditional Haunted MTL Drive-In Totals, enjoy!

  • One Darcy Jail Trip
  • Two Skull Penetrations
  • Two new Musical Numbers
  • Body Branding
  • Nail in the Foot
  • Odd Number Breast Count Red Flag
  • Awkward Stand-Up Bit at a Halloween Party
  • Gratuitous Adult Actress Full Frontal
  • Unfortunate Incest
  • Terrifying Music Producer
  • Hy Pyke Dialogue Croaking
  • Throwback Joe Bob Costume Fun
  • Tactical Joe Bob Briggs F-Bomb
  • Hindu Joking
  • Leprechaun Joking
  • Hillbilly Incest Horror
  • Graveyard Aardvarking
  • Diminishing Film Crew
  • Yuki Sighting: In a tree blind!
  • Silver Bolo Award: StabbyTime TV
  • Darcy Cosplay: Devil Cultist Darcy
Someone just walked in on the host playing with himself.

Episode Score

While a fun night overall, the cabin in the woods theme felt a bit hollow, ultimately stripping out some of the communal fun we’re used to on the show. The addition of the wildcard selection of Hack-O-Lantern, as well, kind of created a mid-season episode vibe rather than a special Halloween event. Had this pairing been episode 4 or 5 of the next season I probably wouldn’t be as critical, but for an event as big as a Halloween special, I expected something a little more celebratory.

Where’s the love, man? 🤟 3.5 out of 5 stars (3.5 / 5)

Well, that wraps up the “Halloween Hideaway.” What did you think of the pairing of Haunt and Hack-O-Lantern? Do you think I am a bit too critical of this special? Was the increasing feeling of isolation worth it for the cute Friday the 13th homage? How terrifying is John Brennan when he stomps across the front of the cabin?

Let us know in the comments. See you in season three!

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Movies n TV

Returning to the Soothing World of Evil with “The Demon of Death”

“The Demon of Death” is the season 3 premiere of the supernatural drama Evil, created by Michelle King and Robert King.

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“The Demon of Death” is the season 3 premiere of the supernatural drama Evil, created by Michelle King and Robert King. The central cast includes Katja Herbers, Mike Colter, Aasif Mandvi, Michael Emerson, Christine Lahti, and Andrea Martin. As of this review, it’s available through Netflix and Paramount+ and its add-ons.

The assessors investigate the weight of a soul. Father Frank Ignatius (Wallace Shawn) agrees to participate in this test despite his growing disillusionment. David (Mike Colter) and Kristen (Katja Herbers) deal with the ramifications of their confessions. Kristen’s girls go on the warpath with Leland (Michael Emerson). Andy (Patrick Brammall) signs his death warrant.

Evil written in bold, a snake reaches for an apple. Beneath reads Season 3
Evil Season 3 Cover

What I Like about “The Demon of Death”

As season 2 ended with a cliffhanger, “The Demon of Death” picks back up with an interesting addition. The episode provides a more obvious stopping point that Season 2 should have taken advantage of. It dumbfounds me because this addition makes for a more interesting and darker cliffhanger. The added context would have made the cliffhanger more palatable. However, it’s a nice twist for the episode.

Dr. Boggs (Kurt Fuller) and Sister Andrea (Andrea Martin) make an interesting pair that adds complexity to both. We even explore some of Sister Andrea’s character flaws, best displayed by her interaction with Kristen in the next scene. Few wise sage characters that display flaws, making this addition appreciated.

Father Ignatius’ introduction adds layers of interest for a character who will play a recurring role, tying into Monsignor Korecki directly. The yet-to-be-explored relationship between Father Ignatius and Monsignor Korecki (Boris McGiver) evokes an interest.

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While “The Demon of Death” isn’t a haunting episode, but explores the mysteries and terror of death through science to provide an interesting environment for an episode. It introduces a new character that adds to the cast.

White background, rubber stamp with disclaimer pressed against the white background.
Disclaimer Kimberley Web Design

Tired Tropes and Triggers

There’s not much to report here that particularly crosses the line and what teeters on the line holds a dark comedic tone.

Perhaps Sister Andrea’s flaw might rub some the wrong way, as it deals with her overwhelming faith. However, it’s a minor point at the moment. Again, I lean on liking some complexity for the wise sage archetype.

A nun looks down at a therapist who lays on his back. The room suggests a therapists office with certifications lined up on the wall.
A Nun and a Therapist Discuss Certainty

What I Dislike about “The Demon of Death”

“The Demon of Death” still plays it safe with its supernatural elements, but that does seem to be Evil’s standard. At this point of the series, it seems a strange restraint. However, the new normal remains functionally paranormal.

While the premiere starts with an interesting procedural plot, it doesn’t direct the season like prior premieres. This episode doesn’t deliver a massive refocus as season 2’s premiere, but that’s because its conclusion doesn’t deliver as focused of a direction. Regardless, “The Demon of Death” is still an episode that slips away despite its premiere status.

Ben (Aasif Mandvi) seems needlessly hostile as they investigate a soul’s potential weight. The study delivers a thorough scientific process, which makes his resistance linger on the “angry atheist” archetype.

The demon shown on screen certainly isn’t the demon of death the title suggests. While the plot revolves around the mystery of death, there is a demon with a more carnal domain. As future episodes dive into their respective demons, it does seem to be an inaccurate title. However, the demon of the episode will get further focus in a different episode.

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Final Thoughts

“The Demon of Death” doesn’t stand out as a premiere but provides an interesting procedural episode. As Father Ignatius will become another key character in the series, giving him an entire episode to introduce him is a nice strategy. While it’s not a haunting episode, it still provides a level of camp with interesting characters to pull it off.
3 out of 5 stars (3 / 5)

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Rare Exports, a Magical Christmas Horror Movie Mess

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Released in 2010, Rare Exports asks an important holiday question. One that no one else has dared to ask.

What if Santa was a ten-story-tall monster buried under the ice for centuries?

The story

Rare Exports is the story of a little boy named Pietari. After doing what is frankly too much research for a little boy, he realizes that Santa is not the jolly old elf we all think of. He is, in fact, a monster who eats bad children. And it turns out that Santa was trapped in the ice near Pietari’s little town. All this would be well and good if a Russian mining team weren’t in the process of cutting him out of the ice. So it’s up to Pietari to convince everyone of the dark, horrific truth.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

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Peeter Jakobi in Rare Exports.

What worked

Some movies need to make sense. Some don’t. Rare Exports is one of the latter.

Why were the Russians digging in the snow to find Santa? What was the plan there? What happened to Pietari’s mom? And who did they sell the elves to? Do the elves need air or water to live?

We don’t get answers to any of those questions. And frankly, we don’t need them to enjoy Rare Exports.

This is a wild story about a little boy who discovers that Santa is a mythical monster with a bunch of scrawny old men with big white beards to do his evil bidding and eats bad children who haven’t been beaten by their parents enough. What sort of explanation would help this story in any way?

Onni Tommila in Rare Exports.

I mean, we could pick apart why it’s suddenly legal to sell people, or at least mythical creatures that look like naked old men, or why this all happened right next to the only little kid who had the exact knowledge needed. But in the end, wouldn’t that be like asking how Santa gets into people’s homes when they don’t have fireplaces? Doesn’t that objective reasoning just piss on the Christmas magic?

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What didn’t work

While Rare Exports was fun, there were parts that I did not appreciate. For one thing, there wasn’t a single woman or person of any color in this film. Literally not one. Not an extra, not in the background. This little Finnish town is populated entirely by white men. And yes, it is Finland and there isn’t a hugely diverse population. But it’s also 2010. People move. Also, women exist.

On the subject of seeing too many white men, we also saw too much of the white men. Specifically, we saw far too many old white male actors entirely nude. There was just no reason for this. These men were portraying elves. They didn’t have to be naked. If they were naked, they didn’t have to have, um, yule logs. Maybe elves are like Ken dolls. There were so many options that didn’t include so much old man wang.

Finally, I wish we’d seen Santa Claus. Not to spoil the ending, but he never actually emerges to attack anyone. And that feels like a cop-out. If we’re going to be teased the whole movie with this depiction of monster Santa, we should at least get to see monster Santa.

Though, after what they did with the elves, maybe it’s a blessing we didn’t see him.

In the end, Rare Exports was well worth watching. It was hilarious, creepy and bloody. And while it wasn’t perfect, it was a delightful holiday horror comedy.

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4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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Christmas Crime Story, A Nonsensical Holiday Romp

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Released in 2016, Christmas Crime Story is about a disastrous robbery on Christmas Eve, and all the many lives impacted by the selfish decisions of one person.

And then, suddenly, it isn’t. But we’ll get to that part.

The story

Christmas Crime Story is the tale of a Christmas Eve holdup gone wrong. We see the story from several points of view, starting with Chris, the detective first on the scene.

Scott Bailey in Christmas Crime Story.

Chris is having a hard Christmas Eve. So, on his lunch break, he visits his mom at her diner. It appears that they have a contentious relationship. But nothing is solved in this quick visit.

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Chris goes on to pull over a man speeding. When the man, named David, pulls over, Chris discovers something in the trunk. That something must have been pretty damn incriminating, because rather than open the trunk, David shoots him dead.

We then switch to David’s pov for the night. Then his girlfriend’s pov. Then, the man his girlfriend has been cheating on him with. And on and on we go, until we see how all of these different stories and people come together for a dark, sordid Christmas Eve.

What worked

The first thing I want to say about Christmas Crime Story is that it’s heartwarming. Like, to a fault, which we will be talking about.

The ending is very sweet, in a Christmasy sort of way. Families come together, people are filled with joy, and all is right in the world for almost everyone. Except for Lena, who deserves to have a bad Christmas, everyone gets a happy ending.

That brings me to my next point. The characters, mostly, are all deeply sympathetic. Even when David or James are killing people, you feel bad for them.

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You don’t agree with what they’re doing, but you do feel bad.

You have to feel sympathetic for the man whose girlfriend hired a killer to merk him. Or the woman whose daughter has cancer. Or the guy who just can’t find work, even though he’s trying to make good decisions. You want things to work out for them. You want them to be okay. Even when they do terrible things.

Finally, I always love stories told from so many different points of view. It’s always fun to see a story unfold in a nonlinear way, but in a way that makes more and more sense as we get more points of view. It’s a hard thing to pull off, and I think Christmas Crime Story did it very well.

What didn’t work

Unfortunately, all of the sympathetic characters and clever storytelling methods in the world won’t save a story that doesn’t work. And Christmas Crime Story just does not work.

Eric Close in Christmas Crime Story.

Let’s begin with the ending. The big twist near the end of the movie. I won’t spoil it, but you will for sure know it if you’ve seen the film. Or, if you waste your time watching the film.

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As a rule, twists work when they make sense. Not when it feels like the writers threw up their hands and said, “Okay, but what if everything we just did for the last hour and fifteen minutes didn’t happen, and instead…”

This wasn’t clever. It wasn’t fun. It felt like the writers didn’t know how to end their movie and just decided to cheat.

Finally, I mentioned earlier that Christmas Crime Story was heartwarming. And yes, that is nice.

But is it maybe a little too heartwarming?

I mean, we have an adorable angel of a child with cancer. Her parents don’t have enough money for her treatment. We have two poor guys who are in love with a black-hearted woman. And we have a detective so sweet and kind that he makes you rethink ACAB. And, he’s about to get married to his pregnant girlfriend. And they’re naming the baby after his mom. And his name is literally Chris DeJesus. His mom’s name is Maggie DeJesus. I tried to think of a sillier less subtle name to use as a joke, and I literally couldn’t think of one.

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They could have at least named him De La Cruz. That would be more subtle, and I still would have complained.

In the end, Christmas Crime Story just missed the mark. It came very close to being a good movie. But it focused too much on how it wanted you to feel, rather than telling a satisfying story that made sense. Much like that third glass of eggnog, it’s fun in the moment and regretful after. If you’re looking for a satisfying Christmas horror, I’d suggest looking elsewhere.

2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

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