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Since my Glorious Spouse and I have moved into a charming new home, built in in the late 1940’s, I have been waiting for ghosts to appear. I’ve left doors open to suspiciously creak close. I’ve put cans on the kitchen counter, prime for eerie stacking. I’ve even opened the lid to the piano for some other-worldly plinks and plunks at midnight to cry out to, “W-who’s there?”

Nothing.

Not even a little ghost fart to cast doubt upon or question our very role in the universe. Nada.

So, I looked for a spooky movie that maybe could drum up some business. Maybe the ghosts needed some motivation, or a how-to type guide. Maybe they just needed some inspiration…

The movie I found was Restoration (2016). The movie I probably should have watched was Restoration…the 1995 version with Sam Neill and RDJ playing fancy-pants kings and stuff. Oh well, onto….

She’s okay, she’s just a little crispy, she can walk it off.

The Plot:

Moving to a new town to complete her residency, a new doctor and her husband find a charming home they decide to renovate. During its restoration, they find an old teddy bear behind the walls that holds secrets within it. Secrets to the haunting within the house…

Also, they have obnoxious neighbors.

You can tell by the beard, Hawaiian shirt, AND glasses.

Thoughts:

Oof. Just…not great. The most interesting line in the film was how the previous owner had 400 teddy bears in the house when they bought it, so there’s still teddy bears all around (to the point they have a teddy bear fight). But seriously….

And they totally won’t come to life and eat you…

The leads tried to bring something to it, but just had really weak chemistry, and I think some of the lines were improvised…but not terrifically done. Honestly, the asshole neighbors were the most engaging and fun to watch, but even then, it wasn’t much they had to work with, which was sad because Zack Ward (aka asshole neighbor) was the director.

Our leads…

The most frustrating part is that the house and its restoration had very little to do with the plot, even to the point I had forgotten about the latter until the climax was in the basement and there were tarps all around and I was like, “Oh, yeeeah. That’s a thing in this movie.”

Also, let’s talk about the CGI…

Or not, I think this says a lot by itself.

One last bone to pick…the teddy bear itself. Not creepy enough, nor moldy enough. If I find a gross old teddy in my walls from the 70’s, make it worth my time. Fill that sucker up with used spider sacs, clotted mold, and crusty mouse urine. Give it a seriously messed up, stained and soiled face to haunt my dreams.

Looks like he just went behind the couch for a while; just toss him in the washer.

And I thought it was an odd choice that the leads decided to keep wall-bear, like, always within eye-shot or on the counter like a good luck charm. It’s probably full of asbestos and asthma-attacking gremlins – throw that sucker out! The lead is a doctor, she should have better common sense or know how to defeat the asthma monsters (I think that’s how that works).

This is after they cut his chest open, too…Monsters

Brain Roll Juice:

Ahhhhheeehhhhh, I didn’t really have any juice for my brain to roll in. It was kind of messy, all the way around. Kudos for the actors trying to do something with it.

Besides poke at it with a big knife…

The story and the twist were mediocre and convoluted at best. It almost seemed like they had one idea and then started running with another, kind of like a directorial exquisite corpse – throwing something in and hoping it would stick. Unfortunately, nothing really did, except for the 400 teddy bears. I wanted to see the real estate agent taking them through “the bear house”. I wanted to see every awkward grimace of looking at each and every bear in the face…until they came upon The One.

Bottom-line:

The ghosts were still not inspired. Neither was I. Unfortunately, I would say it’s not worth even 300 teddy bears!

2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

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1 Comment

  1. John Combo

    March 24, 2020 at 12:55 pm

    I click for the review, I stay for the d̶o̶o̶d̶l̶e̶s̶ original artwork! 🙂

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Movies n TV

Wheel of Time Returns With A Bang

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Wheel of Time is back for season three. There are mixed feelings regarding this. Last season, there were some serious pacing issues. And some serious sticking to the book’s storyline issues. But we’re two seasons in, and we don’t give up so easily. So let’s dive into episode one, To Race the Shadow.

By the way, I highly recommend watching this episode with the subtitles on. You’ll see why.

The story

We begin this episode with Liandrin facing a trial of sorts for her rampant betrayal. She does her best to gaslight her Aes Sedai sisters into thinking that Siuan Sanche is the real traitor.

When that doesn’t work, she reveals how many Black Aes Sedai have actually infiltrated the tower.

Spoiler, it’s a lot.

In the aftermath, our whole team gathers to drink and enjoy one night of relaxation before they head out to the Tear to form an army for Rand. All is going well until they’re attacked by myriad creatures and a sentient axe.

What worked

This episode was long. It had a run time of an hour and eleven minutes. And a lot of that run time was spent in heavy dialog scenes.

Fortunately, these were well-done scenes.

If you’re going to have a lot of talking scenes, there are good ways and bad ways to do it. Last season, we saw lots of examples of the bad way to do it. But this episode did it well. For one thing, other things were going on while conversations were taking place. The characters are drinking, playing games, walking through an interesting city. And the scenes themselves didn’t stretch out. They weren’t repetitive. We heard what the character had to say, then we moved on.

It was also nice that the point of these scenes wasn’t just info dumps. We had character development. We had romantic interactions. We had plot development and foreshadowing.

Overall, this episode felt like what it was. A moment of calm before a storm.

Taking a step back, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the fight scene at the start of the episode. Because it was epic.

The magic looked amazing. The martial arts that went along with it looked fantastic. The costumes were beautiful. It was just incredibly fun to watch.

More than that, it was emotional. We lost some characters in that fight that were important. And it was clearly emotionally shattering for many of our characters, who found themselves betrayed by people they trusted.

So many of them.

It was a great way to open the season.

What didn’t work

Despite that, this episode wasn’t without its flaws.

First off, there were a lot of dialog scenes. And they were good scenes, as I’ve already discussed. But it was one after another after another. And when your episode is, again, an hour and eleven minutes, it’s maybe a little much to have so much chit-chat. Couldn’t some of these conversations, important as they were, have been moved to maybe another episode?

Finally, I want to talk about Egwene’s travel through the arches.

Still from Wheel of Time season three, episode one.

I feel like maybe there were some deleted scenes here. Because there must have been more to that visit than what we saw, right?

We could have seen Egwene battle Rand. That would have been badass and emotionally devastating. We could have seen her with a quiet life with Rand back home at the Two Rivers. We could have seen anything except for the quick clip of Rand in a bloody river, followed by Egwene being shoved back out in a bloody shift.

No products found.

Bad job. But at least it wasn’t an extended scene of Moiraine collecting bathwater, and then taking a bath while looking sad. If we’d started this season with another scene like that, it might have broken my brain.

Amazon dropped the first three episodes at once. So we’ll be back soon to talk about episode two. See you then.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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Movies n TV

Entertaining as hell: Eight Legged Freaks (2002) Review

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Early 2000s is a special era for the industry. It accepts the cheesiness and corniness of movie making, in turn producing some gems in their own right. Eight Legged Freaks starring David Arquette and young Scarlet Johanson is a horror comedy about giant spiders who overtake a small town. As crazy as that premise sounds, the movie surprisingly has a ton of heart and is super entertaining. Let’s review, shall we? 

Plot

We start Eight Legged Freaks with a shot of toxic waste spilling into the water supply of Joshua, a spider farm owner. He is friends with Mike, one of our protagonists, who is a science geek and a spider enthusiast. Mike notices something quite right upon visiting Joshua, but no one takes him seriously. We are then introduced to the rest of the crew. Mike’s mother Samantha, the town sheriff, is too busy chasing Ashley, his sister, who is dating the town mayor’s son Bret (something Samantha does not approve of). We also have Chris, who returns to the town to save his father’s legacy in the town mines. He has opposition from Wade, Bret’s father, who wants to use the mines for his business ventures. Lots of drama going on that will only get juicier once the spiders get loose. 

The creepy crawlies quickly dispose of Joshua and make their grand appearance after Ashley rejects Bret’s advances, abandoning him in the middle of a desert. A glorious chase sequence ensues as the spiders make their way towards the town, wreaking havoc on its residents. In a true horror fashion (which the movie acknowledges), it takes some convincing from Mike and then from Samantha for the town to take the threat seriously. The tongue-in-cheek style of narrative adds the comedy aspect to a movie that would otherwise burn out fairly quickly. 

The remaining characters hide out in a shopping mall as it’s the only somewhat sturdy building in the area. This doesn’t last long as the spiders break in, forcing them to run through the mines. Their resources to fight the creepy crawlies off are limited as the methane gas doesn’t allow them to use firearms. Such conditions require resourceful thinking from Chris, who uses perfume to fend off the leader of the spider group and save himself during the climax of the movie. 

Character dynamics are not forgotten once the action kicks in. We have Chris confessing his long-term feelings for Samantha which she knew all along, which provided some comedic relief. Bret also reunites with Ashley and apologises for being an asshole. Mike finally gets the appreciation he deserves as his knowledge saves the townsfolk more than once during the whole ordeal. 

We end the movie with the town’s radio show person telling the story as an urban legend during his segment. This brings it into question – how much of it happened the way he said it did? We can only guess… 

Overall thoughts

Eight Legged Freaks is a fun creature feature with some self-aware commentary on genre tropes that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The acting is good, the pacing fitting and the characters are likeable enough for you to want them to make it through. Definitely a must watch, if you don’t suffer from arachnophobia, that is. 

5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

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Eight Legged Freaks [Blu-ray] [DVD]
  • What do you get when you cross toxic waste with a bunch of exotic spiders? Eaten! The townies of Prosperity, Arizona will all become a screaming smorgasbord if mutated arachnids as big as SUVs have their way in this comedy/horror crowd pleaser whose creators include the producers of Independence Day and Godzilla
  • Spiders that leap like gazelles, web-spitting spiders, spiders that suck your insides out as if through a straw—they’re all among the behemoths conjured up by an inventive effects team
  • David Arquette (Scream) leads the two-legged stars, mobilizing the citizenry in a last-ditch fight to survive

Last update on 2025-03-10 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon Product Advertising API

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Movies n TV

Daredevil: Born Again Episode 1 Recap & Review – A Cautious Stumble into Hell’s Kitchen

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Marvel’s favorite one-man wrecking crew is back, but let’s be real—this isn’t just a Daredevil reboot, it’s a goddamn resurrection. The Netflix show was peak Marvel TV, a brutal, blood-soaked opera of fists and Catholic guilt. And now? Now we see if the Mouse has the stomach for it.


Back at Josie’s – A Familiar Start, No Training Wheels

We open in Josie’s Bar, and thank God for that. None of that “Where has Matt been?” slow-burn nonsense—just straight into the good stuff. It’s him, Foggy, and Jessica..err..Karen, knocking back drinks in the same dive we’ve come to love.

Marvel’s Daredevil Seasons 1 & 2 [Blu-ray] Complete Netflix Series
  • UK DVD Region 2 by Erectogen Idealistic lawyer Matt Murdock (Charlie Cox), along with his long-time friend Foggy Nelson (Elden Henson), uses his newly established firm to tackle the rising levels of criminal activity in New York City
  • By night however, Murdock – who was blinded by a chemical spill as a young boy – uses his heightened senses to fight crime on the streets as vigilante Daredevil
  • With the influence of underworld kingpin Wilson Fisk (Vincent D’Onofrio) continuing to grow, Murdock faces a fight on two fronts to keep the city safe

Last update on 2025-03-09 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon Product Advertising API

This is Daredevil as it should be: dark, dirty, and two drinks away from a bar fight. No need for a reintroduction, no awkward exposition dumps—just throw us in and let us swim.

Personal Take: This was the right way to start. No fluff, just boom, back in Hell’s Kitchen. That down-to-earth, street-level grime we loved is still here. But then—


Bullseye’s Ambush – AKA Who the Hell is This Guy?!

Enter Bullseye—except if you don’t already know him, you wouldn’t even know it’s him. In fact, ol’ Jimbo had to Google Reverse Image with ‘who the hell is this guy?’ Maybe I missed the ‘last season recap’ button.

One second, Foggy’s making lawyer jokes. The next? He’s got a bullet where his personality used to be.

And here’s the problem: If you never watched Daredevil Season 3 which was what? 30 years ago? Or kept up with Marvel’s deep cuts, this fight has zero emotional weight. It’s just some guy attacking some other guy, and a character we liked gets smoked in the process. I honestly didn’t know who the guy was, so I thought it was just some schmuck low level dude. After googling it…I have a VAGUE recollection of who he was.

Personal Take: This should’ve been a gut punch, but it lands like a lukewarm slap. If you know Bullseye, it’s huge. If you don’t? It’s just another action scene with no setup. Also, this dude has more knives than a goddamn Hibachi chef. Where is he even keeping them all?


The Rooftop Fight – Matt, My Guy, What Are You Doing?!

Now, the fight? Brutal. Perfect. This is what we came for. Matt vs. Bullseye, rooftops, fists flying, bodies slamming into brick walls—it’s exactly the kind of fight that made the original series legendary.

But then… Matt takes off his helmet. Maybe the 3897239428374237842397432 knives sticking out of Matt made him a bit woozie. But wouldn’t he keep that on? I mean not like there’s a copy sneaking up on a guy who can hear a heartbeat of a poodle farting 300 miles away.

What in the name of blind Catholic guilt is happening here?! He just lets a cop sneak up on him? This is Daredevil, the guy who can hear a heartbeat through a concrete wall, and he doesn’t notice an entire cop creeping up behind him?

Meanwhile, Bullseye? Still pulling knives out of nowhere like he’s a goddamn magician.

Personal Take: The fight’s phenomenal, but Matt taking his helmet off is some straight-up horror movie logic. Dude, why?!


Wilson Fisk for Mayor – Did We Miss a Memo?

The Kingpin is back—but wait. Didn’t he get shot in the face in Hawkeye? Like RIGHT in the fucking face!??

No scars. No limping. No “Hey, that bullet wound sure sucked” speech. Just fully intact Fisk, now running for mayor like he didn’t just eat a bullet last time we saw him.

Personal Take: This feels like they wanted you to watch Echo for answers, but who actually watched Echo? Also, Fisk running for mayor makes sense, but it’s been done before. If they’re going to keep him as the villain, they need to give him something new.

Daredevil Born Again S1E1 Review with Daredevil on screen looking very ethereal.

Matt’s New Love Interest – Who? Why?

Now, Heather Glenn enters the chat.

And listen—nobody cares. Karen worked because she wasn’t just a love interest. We saw her character grow, we invested in her. Heather? She’s just here because Karen isn’t.

Personal Take: It’s forced. No build-up, no intrigue—just, “Here’s a new love interest, enjoy.”


Final Verdict – A Strong Start, But Not Magic Yet

This episode does a lot right—
✔ The fights are still phenomenal.
✔ Charlie Cox is still the perfect Matt Murdock.
✔ Hell’s Kitchen still feels real.

But…
✘ Bullseye is a mystery if you didn’t watch Season 3 YESTERDAY or have a memory like a steel trap.
✘ Foggy’s death feels more like actor scheduling than good storytelling.
✘ Fisk just appears back like nothing happened, and that’s weird.

Final Rating: 4 out of 5 Cthulhus—Good. Not perfect. Cautiously optimistic.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

Your Turn – What Did You Think?

Did Born Again Episode 1 hit for you? Or did you have that same something-feels-off reaction? Drop your thoughts below, let’s talk Daredevil.

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