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Since my Glorious Spouse and I have moved into a charming new home, built in in the late 1940’s, I have been waiting for ghosts to appear. I’ve left doors open to suspiciously creak close. I’ve put cans on the kitchen counter, prime for eerie stacking. I’ve even opened the lid to the piano for some other-worldly plinks and plunks at midnight to cry out to, “W-who’s there?”

Nothing.

Not even a little ghost fart to cast doubt upon or question our very role in the universe. Nada.

So, I looked for a spooky movie that maybe could drum up some business. Maybe the ghosts needed some motivation, or a how-to type guide. Maybe they just needed some inspiration…

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The movie I found was Restoration (2016). The movie I probably should have watched was Restoration…the 1995 version with Sam Neill and RDJ playing fancy-pants kings and stuff. Oh well, onto….

She’s okay, she’s just a little crispy, she can walk it off.

The Plot:

Moving to a new town to complete her residency, a new doctor and her husband find a charming home they decide to renovate. During its restoration, they find an old teddy bear behind the walls that holds secrets within it. Secrets to the haunting within the house…

Also, they have obnoxious neighbors.

You can tell by the beard, Hawaiian shirt, AND glasses.

Thoughts:

Oof. Just…not great. The most interesting line in the film was how the previous owner had 400 teddy bears in the house when they bought it, so there’s still teddy bears all around (to the point they have a teddy bear fight). But seriously….

And they totally won’t come to life and eat you…

The leads tried to bring something to it, but just had really weak chemistry, and I think some of the lines were improvised…but not terrifically done. Honestly, the asshole neighbors were the most engaging and fun to watch, but even then, it wasn’t much they had to work with, which was sad because Zack Ward (aka asshole neighbor) was the director.

Our leads…

The most frustrating part is that the house and its restoration had very little to do with the plot, even to the point I had forgotten about the latter until the climax was in the basement and there were tarps all around and I was like, “Oh, yeeeah. That’s a thing in this movie.”

Also, let’s talk about the CGI…

Or not, I think this says a lot by itself.

One last bone to pick…the teddy bear itself. Not creepy enough, nor moldy enough. If I find a gross old teddy in my walls from the 70’s, make it worth my time. Fill that sucker up with used spider sacs, clotted mold, and crusty mouse urine. Give it a seriously messed up, stained and soiled face to haunt my dreams.

Looks like he just went behind the couch for a while; just toss him in the washer.

And I thought it was an odd choice that the leads decided to keep wall-bear, like, always within eye-shot or on the counter like a good luck charm. It’s probably full of asbestos and asthma-attacking gremlins – throw that sucker out! The lead is a doctor, she should have better common sense or know how to defeat the asthma monsters (I think that’s how that works).

This is after they cut his chest open, too…Monsters

Brain Roll Juice:

Ahhhhheeehhhhh, I didn’t really have any juice for my brain to roll in. It was kind of messy, all the way around. Kudos for the actors trying to do something with it.

Besides poke at it with a big knife…

The story and the twist were mediocre and convoluted at best. It almost seemed like they had one idea and then started running with another, kind of like a directorial exquisite corpse – throwing something in and hoping it would stick. Unfortunately, nothing really did, except for the 400 teddy bears. I wanted to see the real estate agent taking them through “the bear house”. I wanted to see every awkward grimace of looking at each and every bear in the face…until they came upon The One.

Bottom-line:

The ghosts were still not inspired. Neither was I. Unfortunately, I would say it’s not worth even 300 teddy bears! 2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

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When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason. Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. John Combo

    March 24, 2020 at 12:55 pm

    I click for the review, I stay for the d̶o̶o̶d̶l̶e̶s̶ original artwork! 🙂

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Movies n TV

Fallout, The Past

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Episode four of Amazon’s Fallout wasn’t the best-liked. Of course, that’s relative to the rest of the season. While this is the second-to-last-ranked episode, it’s still an 8.1 on IMDB.

So let’s talk about why it might have slipped a bit but was still a great episode of TV.

The story

Let’s start our discussion of this episode with Maximus.

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After he and Thaddeus successfully retrieved the head from the Gulper, they’re in high spirits. Together they celebrate around a fire, giving a lovely impression of two people who have been drinking despite not seeing a bottle in sight. Thaddeus even convinces Maximus to brand him.

Still from Amazon's Fallout.

While having a good time, Maximus’s consciousness gets the better of him. He admits to Thaddeus that he’s not Knight Titus, but he is Thaddeus’s old punching bag.

Rather than responding to this act of honesty with an equal measure of grace and brotherhood, Thaddeus immediately disables Maximus’s suit, taking the power source and the head. He then leaves Maximus trapped in the suit that he wanted so much, doomed to die in it.

Lucy isn’t in a much better place. If you’ll recall, last episode she drank radiated water out of desperate thirst. She’s now suffering from radiation poisoning. Fortunately, before she succumbs to this poison, she finds Maximus. He has the medicine she needs, and she can free him from his suit before he’s eaten by giant cockroaches. It seems like a win/win. If that is, the two of them can trust each other. And haven’t they both learned that trusting other people might be the most dangerous thing in this very dangerous world?

Ella Purnell and Aron Moten in Fallout.

What worked

The first thing I want to draw attention to is the relationship between Lucy and Maximus. A lot has happened since the last time the two saw each other when there were some sparks but no time to do anything about them. Both have been betrayed and hurt. So while they’re instinct is clearly to trust each other, it’s also to be cautious. And that makes sense. They are both good people, driven by the desire to help others. But both are cautious of being hurt again.

This was not only relatable, but it gave a much different feel to a standard will they/won’t they relationship. Will they be able to trust each other enough to let their feelings out is the real question. Which is a lot more interesting, in my opinion.

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I also found the giant, mutated bugs to be fantastic. They were the perfect blend of cute and terrifying. At first glance, they seem like a larger version of Hal from Wall-E. Then, you realize how few of them it would take to eat someone trapped in place. And how little time it might take.

And how long it might feel like while it’s happening.

We don’t need to see that happen to feel the terror there. And to feel some concern about the tiny pests that sometimes share our homes.

Of course, the highlight of this episode was the political intrigue surrounding Vault 33, and how its leaders always seem to be from Vault 31. This storyline is quickly becoming my favorite part of the season. It’s a dark and creepy mystery, which is always fantastic. But it’s also fascinating to see the character of Norm blossoming into someone whose life has meaning. Because at the start of the season, he was lacking that.

All in all, while this was a slower episode it was still a good one. And its ending certainly left me excited for what was to come.

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4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

If you like my work, you can check out my latest science fiction/horror novel, Nova, launching on May 17th. Pre-orders are available now on Amazon.

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Movies n TV

Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022), a Film Review

Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) is a horror comedy directed by Halina Reijn. This R-rated horror film stars Amandla Stenberg and Maria Bakalova.

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Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) is a horror comedy directed by Halina Reijn. This R-rated horror film stars Amandla Stenberg, Maria Bakalova, Myha’la, Rachel Sennott, Chase Sui Wonders, Pete Davidson, Lee Pace, and Conner O’Malley. The film is currently available on fuboTV, Netflix, Hoopla, and Showtime.

Sophie (Amandla Stenberg) brings her girlfriend (Maria Bakalova as Bee) to her friend’s hurricane party. Lasting resentment and toxic relationships infest the group, leaving Bee to witness increasingly uncomfortable situations. Soon after, bodies start dropping.

Three Bodies written in white text. Three characters atop the text. Two carry phones while the other carries a sword.
Alternate Cover

What I Like about Bodies

The chemistry between these toxic friends gives me anxiety. If toxic friendships aren’t a universal experience, toxic traits certainly make themselves apparent in any friend group, and this film maximizes this experience. It’s not revolutionary, but effective and uncomfortable.

Several subtle clues hint at the relationships of these friends, building up as the story progresses and chaos ensues. I love these moments, though the film doesn’t seem confident that the viewer picks up these clues. This decision hinders execution, an unfortunate point for later.

While the performances are strong throughout, Amandla Stenberg and Maria Bakalova remain the main characters and receive the most opportunities to perform. However, almost every character has a moment, or several, and lives up to those moments once given.

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The twist seems obvious, but that doesn’t hinder the viewing experience. While not the biggest fan of the execution, I enjoy the spiraling chaos it creates.

The opening scene shows the two leads making out for viewer engagement. However, I think the contract toward the end gives this scene added context and plot relevance beyond simply sex appeal. While it is unavoidable that so well, many films will go no further. So, added relevance deserves a nod.

Far from the bloodiest film out there, but it doesn’t hesitate to bleed its cast. It uses this blood and limited gore to add weight to the deaths as opposed to haunting or nauseating its audience.

White background, rubber stamp with disclaimer pressed against the white background.
Disclaimer Kimberley Web Design

Tropes, Triggers, and Considerations

As previously hinted, toxic relationships remain key points in the plot. Falling in line with this are points of spousal abuse (physically and mentally) that should remain a consideration.

Idiocy to push the plot along certainly plays a role in the plot. In this case, I consider it a feature. However, it’s still a required taste for viewer consideration.

Addiction and recovery drive several characters. I’ll avoid pointing to them so as not to give away plot details. However, usage and relapse deserve a mention in this section.

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If any of these are deal breakers, give this film a skip.

A group of friends screaming outside. They all are dressed in swim suits or robes.
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What I Dislike, or Food for Thought, about Bodies

Bodies shifts between a mindless and clever horror comedy, never comfortably sticking to one or the other. It pulls off elements of both with expertise, but the tugging and pulling of these different elements limits the execution of either. Because of the above friction, Halina Reijin gives us all the clues to piece everything together and still tells us. Pick an audience and trust them.

As a horror comedy, this film leans on the humor over the horror. The unraveling of characters certainly earns respect but expect a comedy for a better experience. It’s not a particularly scary film, and it doesn’t try to occupy that space.

Final Thoughts

Bodies Bodies Bodies spirals into a chaotic horror comedy, banking on the toxic chemistry of its cast to deliver both. The film never makes a strong stance in either claiming a mindless or clever horror comedy, shifting between both at the expense of the whole. It remains a bumpy but engaging viewing experience, nonetheless.
3 out of 5 stars (3 / 5)

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Movies n TV

Fallout, The Ghouls

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Episode four of Amazon Prime’s Fallout was a great one for character development. It was also great because one of my personal favorite actors was involved.

Let’s discuss.

The story

This episode’s story revolved largely around Lucy and The Ghoul. He’s still dragging her about on a rope, but we aren’t sure why. While she can track the Head, she certainly hasn’t shared that information with the Ghoul.

What he wants her for soon becomes clear, when he barters her for vials of the medication that keeps him from losing himself to the ghoul illness.

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Ella Purnell in Fallout.

At first, Lucy thinks this is a step up. She’s taken by a robot surgeon named Snip Snip to get a new thumb. Since, you know, The Ghoul shot her thumb off.

However, after stitching a new thumb on, Snip Snip takes her to his masters. Who then say they want him to cut her up for her organs.

Lucy manages to escape and even frees the other people trapped by these organ brokers. In doing so, she comes into the possession of many, many of those vials that The Ghoul needs so desperately.

Meanwhile, Norm is starting to suspect that all is not what it should be in Vault 33. While the rest of the vault is preparing to elect a new overseer, he takes Chet and sneaks off to Vault 32. There, they find some horrific sights. Long dead bodies, next to messages scrawled in blood. There are especially bodies around the door that leads to Vault 31, where someone has written We Know What’s in There on the wall.

Of course, we don’t know what’s in there. But I’m sure we’re going to find out.

Moises Arias and Dave Register in Fallout.

Norm continues to dig, checking for information on the old Overseer’s computer. And he finds that the door to Vault 32 was opened by a Pip-Boy. To be specific, it was a Pip-Boy owned by Norm and Lucy’s mother.

I’m sure that won’t be relevant later.

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What worked

The more I see of this season, the more I like Lucy. She is growing and evolving as a person, just like Wilzig told her she would have to do. She is becoming harder. But her kindness and values haven’t changed yet. She is still a good person. I love that.

I also love the dark, creepy storyline with Norm. I love how serious he is, especially when compared to the rest of his community. I especially love that, even as emotionally disturbed he is by what he’s learning, he seems passionate. And from what we’ve seen of this character, this is possibly the first thing he’s felt passionate about his entire life. I am impressed with the writing and acting that have allowed us to see his lack of passion with minimal focus. He is a fun, well-written character.

Finally, I’d like to shine the spotlight on Matt Berry. He is a delightful actor known for What We Do in the Shadows and IT Crowd. And he is playing the remarkably funny role of Snip Snip, the robot surgeon. His voice lends an extra level of humor to an already funny premise. This was another example of the great casting we’ve seen so far on Fallout.

In the end, this was a great episode from all points. It was fun, heartfelt, and dark. In short, I have no notes. I’m only excited to see what happens in the next episode. 4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

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