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HADDONFIELD, IL – Horror villains from across the nation have arrived in the small town of Haddonfield for a Coronavirus Summit at the request of Michael Myers, chairman of the Society for Terrifying Assault and Battery (STAB). “I wanted to bring our members from around the country together so we could prepare as a group,” explained Myers, who had replaced his usual face mask with a standard N95 respirator. “This is a challenging time for the villain community.”

Jason Voorhees, lifelong friend and colleague of Myers, nodded in agreement. “I read the CDC instructions, and my old mask had too many holes,” he said from behind an identical respirator. “Everyone’s wearing these masks now! Nobody even recognizes me.”

Myers and Voorhees are not alone in their struggles to prepare for the virus. Frederick Krueger of Springfield, Ohio, is also frustrated. “I went through an entire case of latex gloves in a day!” he complained. “At this rate, I’ll never get any work done.”

Myers then called the meeting to order, making sure to address the tenuous situation of STAB’s members overseas. “Some of our members are unable to be here today, such as our colleague Sadako in Japan, and the teachers from the Freiburg Dance Academy who got waylaid in Italy,” he explained. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to them at this difficult time.”

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Villains concerned about working conditions, job security

Members of STAB were anxious to know how the spread of the coronavirus, which causes the disease COVID-19, would affect their day-to-day lives and careers. A member of the community known only by the name “Leatherface” (who appeared to be wearing a respirator crudely fashioned from human skin) stood up and raised his chainsaw silently. “He wants to know how we’re supposed to work in these conditions,” a voice with a strong brogue piped up from the back. Standing on a chair, the Leprechaun continued, “The other day someone sneezed on my pot of gold, and I had to sanitize every coin. Between that and cleaning up his blood, my whole day was shot.”

Myers acknowledged the group’s concerns, and agreed that potential victims might be taking fewer vacations to haunted castles, summer camps, or secluded hotels in the mountains. However, he reminded the assembled villains to prioritize their own safety. “Try staying home and terrifying victims in other ways, such as cyberbullying or creepy phone calls,” he suggested. A man in a ghost mask could then be heard sighing and complaining that no one even answers their phones anymore.

Myers advises members to stay in touch: “Communication is key.”

Myers then thanked the STAB members for coming and reminded them to wash their hands thoroughly. “Personal hygiene is extremely important to prevent the spread of disease,” he emphasized. In response, STAB member Norman Bates tried to put a positive spin on the recent viral outbreak. “I do my best work in the bathroom,” he said.

The STAB Coronavirus Summit will run for seven days total. Members of STAB who cannot attend in person can view the recorded sessions, which will be available afterwards in VHS format only (members are encouraged to make and distribute copies). For more information, members can reach the group via their private Facebook page or on Twitter @STABUSA.

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Kristin Cleaves writes horror and dark fiction. Her work has been published by Quill and Crow Publishing House, Ghost Orchid Press, Black Telephone Magazine, and more.

Lighter than Dark

LTD: The Firing Squad

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So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.

Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…

In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.

The Firing Squad is coming.

And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…

Ready Aim Fire...  The Firing Squad appears digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Ready Aim Fire… The Firing Squad appears
Wing Shot...  The Firing Squad takes aim digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Wing Shot… The Firing Squad takes aim
Sharp Shooter...  You're a goner! digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Sharp Shooter… You’re a goner!

I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: Library Rules

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Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!

Poster spelling out library rules, featuring extraplanar librarian.

Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.

Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.

1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.

2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.

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3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.

4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.

5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.

6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.

Close up portrait of librarian, so you can look deep into her creepy metallic crystalline eyes
Close up portrait of librarian

For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD Dream Subscription Service now available

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If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.

There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.

You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.

There are some caveats, though.

Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.

How do I sign up?

If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.

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Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.

Registration Chant

There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.

Cannon the Candy Corn Squishmallow all tucked in and waiting for Dream Subscription Service
Cannon the Candy Corn Squishmallow all tucked in and waiting for Dream Subscription Service

Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.

Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).

And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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