HADDONFIELD, IL – Horror villains from across the nation have arrived in the small town of Haddonfield for a Coronavirus Summit at the request of Michael Myers, chairman of the Society for Terrifying Assault and Battery (STAB). “I wanted to bring our members from around the country together so we could prepare as a group,” explained Myers, who had replaced his usual face mask with a standard N95 respirator. “This is a challenging time for the villain community.”
Jason Voorhees, lifelong friend and colleague of Myers, nodded in agreement. “I read the CDC instructions, and my old mask had too many holes,” he said from behind an identical respirator. “Everyone’s wearing these masks now! Nobody even recognizes me.”
Myers and Voorhees are not alone in their struggles to prepare for the virus. Frederick Krueger of Springfield, Ohio, is also frustrated. “I went through an entire case of latex gloves in a day!” he complained. “At this rate, I’ll never get any work done.”
Myers then called the meeting to order, making sure to address the tenuous situation of STAB’s members overseas. “Some of our members are unable to be here today, such as our colleague Sadako in Japan, and the teachers from the Freiburg Dance Academy who got waylaid in Italy,” he explained. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to them at this difficult time.”
Villains concerned about working conditions, job security
Members of STAB were anxious to know how the spread of the coronavirus, which causes the disease COVID-19, would affect their day-to-day lives and careers. A member of the community known only by the name “Leatherface” (who appeared to be wearing a respirator crudely fashioned from human skin) stood up and raised his chainsaw silently. “He wants to know how we’re supposed to work in these conditions,” a voice with a strong brogue piped up from the back. Standing on a chair, the Leprechaun continued, “The other day someone sneezed on my pot of gold, and I had to sanitize every coin. Between that and cleaning up his blood, my whole day was shot.”
Myers acknowledged the group’s concerns, and agreed that potential victims might be taking fewer vacations to haunted castles, summer camps, or secluded hotels in the mountains. However, he reminded the assembled villains to prioritize their own safety. “Try staying home and terrifying victims in other ways, such as cyberbullying or creepy phone calls,” he suggested. A man in a ghost mask could then be heard sighing and complaining that no one even answers their phones anymore.
Myers advises members to stay in touch: “Communication is key.”
Myers then thanked the STAB members for coming and reminded them to wash their hands thoroughly. “Personal hygiene is extremely important to prevent the spread of disease,” he emphasized. In response, STAB member Norman Bates tried to put a positive spin on the recent viral outbreak. “I do my best work in the bathroom,” he said.
The STAB Coronavirus Summit will run for seven days total. Members of STAB who cannot attend in person can view the recorded sessions, which will be available afterwards in VHS format only (members are encouraged to make and distribute copies). For more information, members can reach the group via their private Facebook page or on Twitter @STABUSA.
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Lighter than Dark
LTD: Revisiting Broken Doll Head, Interview 2
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Lighter than Dark
LTD: Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Lighter than Dark
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
March 1, 2020 at 8:52 am
I want a STAB t-shirt.