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MILWAUKEE, WI. In 2016, there were clowns running around terrorizing civilians. At the time, this appeared to be the peak of scary, yet ironically funny (because life is already so depressing) situations. Then 2020 happened.

All of life’s bullshit swarming above your pretty little head.

Oh, the icing on top of the cake. It always was the part most rational human beings wanted to throw away. Well, it’s five months into the year and the shitty icing on top of an even shittier cake has been delivered. The head chef in charge (it has to be a man because only a man would be this ruthless) has graciously given the world an extra special treat: the arrival of “Murder Hornets” in the old U.S. of A. And the “chef” expects us to shut up and eat this atrocity. Fuck no. Send it back to the kitchen.

Bees were never adored members of society until word spread on colony collapse disorder and its effects on our food sources. If the pollinators were to die then we would lose everything from coffee to cucumbers to chocolate. But in 2020, the threat of saying goodbye to such precious, yet annoying insects is not nearly as prevalent.

Instead, the problem lies in a more bitchy bee called the Asian giant hornet. The name isn’t an exaggeration because these puppies are 2 inches long with a 3-inch wingspan. Call me crazy, but basic ass honeybees were already too large for my liking. Well, at least these new suckers will be easier to spot. Sometimes a honeybee can creep up on ya and before you know it zap! A lovely sunny day is ruined.

Now, the media has been sensationalizing the killer hornets, which of course led to even more hysteria. However, upon further research, it’s clear that everyone has greater things to worry about than these pesky fellas. It’s not like they’re flying around EVERYWHERE and wielding teeny tiny guns, ready to shoot anyone and every one point black. No, they are merely here.

And while they are a dangerous species of bee, they have their own predators. That’s right; Manny (the praying mantis from A Bug’s Life) is all up on those demons. So next time you see a praying mantis out on your daily quarantine walk, stare into its bulging eyes, and give it a salute for they are our little heroes on this godforsaken planet.

Not all heroes wear capes. God bless these soldiers for their service.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD Happy New Year Baby!

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In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.

Baybee Draconia Feywild Werewoof in her celebratory faerie frolicking unicorns in the woods ensemble
New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Werewoof in her celebratory faerie frolicking unicorns in the woods ensemble

New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.

New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Feywild Werewoof beginning to show telepahtic connectivity
New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Werewoof beginning to show telepathic connectivity

New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.

New Year Baby Baybee Draconia Feywild Werewoof readying to pounce and rip the photographer’s face off
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O

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Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.

But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…

Some seemingly safe Jell-O variants involving fruit, though the pie crust and pink fruit basket mold simply must come into question from a culinary appeal standpoint.
Some seemingly safe Jell-O variants involving fruit, though the pie crust and pink fruit basket mold simply must come into question from a culinary appeal standpoint.

Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.

Some more iffy Jell-O salads involving thinly sliced and pureed vegetables and other substances.

Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?

Some seafood and hot dog based Jell-O concoctions, designed to draw Cthulu & other dark Eldritch horrors to our world.
Some seafood and hot dog based Jell-O concoctions, designed to draw Cthulu & other dark Eldritch horrors to our world.

What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…

To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.

My copper fish mold collection, as shown hanging on my outside covered porch.
My copper fish mold collection, as shown hanging on my outside covered porch.

In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: UFOs Among Us

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When your convoy of UFOs is intergalactic freewheeling from star system to star system to check out the local scene and get jiggy with the cows, you have to know how to stash your ride. Here are two solid options.

UFOs disguised as an apartment complex, with its residents driving around in human cars and acting more or less normal
UFOs disguised as an apartment complex, with its residents driving around in human cars and acting more or less normal

Option 1.) Get enough of a feel for the local architecture to blend your UFOs in. That shiny metal can you’ve been riding around is is going to stick out like a sore tentacle in the middle of any corn field. Sometimes this is a good thing for recruiting cultists, but more often than not it attracts unwanted attention from those men-in-black local government agencies. So, maybe find someplace with lots of shiny buildings to park it, or camouflage it in some way using common local materials. I’ve included some images from a local apartment complex in rural United States so you get the idea.

Another view of the more inconspicuous UFOs disguised as apartments, note the large garage door disguising the airlock
Another view of the more inconspicuous UFOs disguised as apartments, note the large garage door disguising the airlock

2.) If you can’t blend in, make your ship a total destination unto itself, like the Space Needle in the United States or the Sydney Opera House in Australia or even the Pyramids of Giza in Egypt. We all know these iconic spacecraft that have been assimilated and celebrated in the local scene, and examples of this are countless when you know what you are looking for. Even Stonehenge of the United Kingdom has its history in this, though that craft departed a long time ago leaving only the framework upon which it sat. Because why not generate a little tourism revenue while you’re here? We’ve all been doing this for millennia, and it works…

More details of the UFOs apartments from the far side
More details of the UFOs apartments from the far side

The better option for you really comes down to why you’re here and whether you need to lay low. If you’re trying to hide from the Space Coppers pigs, always go with Option 1. If you have been sent by Starfleet to gather followers, it kind of depends on what sort of following you are supposed to be gathering. The more prestigious, the better off you will be with Option 2 but you may have to build up to it. Remember you can always start small and grow your influence; make it look like the locals had some impact in architectural development and the like.

And always remember to wash your hands, tentacles, probiscuses, and any other appendages after ANY interaction with the locals; no one takes kindly to space germs...
And always remember to wash your hands, tentacles, probiscuses, and any other appendages after ANY interaction with the locals; no one takes kindly to space germs…
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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