NEW YORK CITY – Prominent Satanists Roman and Minnie Castavet have extended a shower invitation to all NYC-area cult members in honor of their neighbor Rosemary Woodhouse and her newborn baby, the Antichrist. “The timing’s been a little tricky, because there was a bit of miscommunication with Rosemary during her pregnancy,” Mrs. Castavet explained. “She had some misgivings at first, but after she saw that beautiful baby, she just couldn’t resist joining our group. We really want to make her feel welcome. Hail Rosemary!”

Rosemary Woodhouse, wife of well-known actor Guy Woodhouse, recently gave birth at her home in the prestigious Bramford apartment building. Local physician Dr. Abraham Sapirstein attended the birth. “I typically don’t do home births, but these were special circumstances,” the doctor explained. “We took all medical and sanitary precautions, and also burned the herbs and incense appropriate for the occasion,” said Dr. Sapirstein, who is known for his use of tannis-root cologne.

Gift advice: black is really his color

When asked about baby gifts, Mrs. Castavet had several suggestions. “Rosemary’s not registered anywhere, because the stores here don’t carry the things her special baby needs,” she said. “Instead, my friends and I have been knitting the most adorable clothes for him — cozy covers for his tiny horns, onesies with a hole for his little tail. We’ve been making extra-large booties, too, for his hooves. He could always use more of those. And we bought him a sterling-silver incense burner from Tiffany’s.” Mrs. Castavet did specify that stuffed animals or toys were not needed, because the baby had already destroyed quite a few. “He was born with teeth, you know,” she explained. “He might like some real animals to play with, though. That’s an idea. And Rosemary said she needed some more blankets and bibs. Just get black,” Mrs. Castavet advised. “It goes with everything.”

Some of the baby shower decorations Mrs. Castavet has created.

Rosemary’s husband Mr. Woodhouse is supportive of the non-traditional parenting arrangement, even though he is not the baby’s biological father. “I thought it was strange at first, but after a while, the idea started to make sense,” he said. “Oh, excuse me — I have another call from my agent.” As Mr. Woodhouse stepped away, Mr. Castavet explained, “Our Dark Lord has a lot of responsibilities right now, so it’s good to have the baby’s step-father involved. There’s a lot of planning that goes into the apocalypse, and Satan can’t attend every PTA meeting, you know? We’re hoping he might stop by the party, but his schedule’s pretty unpredictable.”

Mr. and Mrs. Castanet plan to mail the shower invitations soon to the Satanic elite as soon as they have been professionally printed. “The black stationary and ribbon look so classy,” Mrs. Castanet said excitedly. “And the food is going to be to die for. I found the best chocolate mousse recipe on Pinterest.”

About the Author

Kristin Cleaves writes and reads horror all day, every day. She has a Master's in English and has worked as a writer, editor, proofreader and educator.

View Articles