ROME, ITALY — Ancient god Cupid (also known by his Greek alias, Eros), spoke to the media today about his campaign to be recognized as a legitimate horror villain. “I don’t want to spend one more Valentine’s Day as a worldwide joke. I want to strike fear into the hearts of millions! Literally!” he exclaimed, notching an arrow into his bow. “What’s more terrifying than being in love? It checks all the boxes: pounding heart, sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach — not to mention the desperate fear of being rejected and dying alone. What could be worse?”

The misunderstood deity continued, “I never get any respect, but I should be feared and worshiped. Think of all the crimes I’ve inspired. Spying, stalking, even murder — people literally kill for me! I mean, my dad is Mars, the god of war. He’s like the most violent guy ever! He taught me everything he knows!”

Heartbreakingly unappreciated

Cupid held up a greeting card depicting him as a chubby-cheeked cherub, naked except for a diaper. “Look at this trash!” he cried. “How would you like it if people only knew you from your old baby pictures? I lost all the baby fat. I work out all the time! I’m a total badass now, and no one even knows about it.”

Now visibly upset, Cupid took a break and collected himself. “All I want is my own movie franchise, maybe some merch. Look at that jerk Michael Myers. Everyone goes nuts over him, and he doesn’t even have any powers. He just stabs people. I’m a freaking god! Even the Leprechaun got his own series. That little bastard worked with Jennifer Aniston! It’s so unfair.”

As a final warning to the world, Cupid issued the statement: “Watch out for me this Valentine’s Day, because I’ll stick an arrow in your heart when you least expect it. And if you piss me off, I’ll make you fall in love with your creepiest coworker.” When asked by a reporter if he still wears a diaper, Cupid responded, “No comment.”

About the Author

Kristin Cleaves writes and reads horror all day, every day. She has a Master's in English and has worked as a writer, editor, proofreader and educator.

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