LTD: Americans Create Apathetic Halloween Costumes Inspired by 2020

Published

3 years ago

October 20, 2020

CLEVELAND, Ohio — As Halloween 2020 approaches, Americans are preparing to celebrate differently than in years past. Events like Halloween parties, workplace costume contests, and trick-or-treating have been canceled across the country due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For those who still want to get into the Halloween spirit but don’t really feel like trying, 2020 offers quite a few possibilities for lazy DIY costumes.

Local college student Jennifer Jackson described her costume idea: “I found this old tiger Beanie Baby at my parents’ house, so I figured I’d stick some fake flowers in my hair and go as Carole Baskin. Maybe I’ll get a can of sardines from the grocery store.” Shrugging, Jackson said, “It’s been a while since that show came out, so maybe people won’t remember. But whatever.”

Husband and wife Mark and Carrie Phillips have decided to do a “Zoom meeting” couples’ costume. “I’m going to do my hair and makeup, but wear pajama pants and slippers,” Ms. Phillips explained. “And Mark said he’ll wear a shirt and tie, but just boxer shorts on the bottom. It’s kind of funny, I guess,” she said, “but not that great. Honestly, I don’t really care.”

Topical costumes are trending

Nick Weaver, the Phillips’ neighbor, also had an idea. “I’m going to stick a fake fly in my hair and be Mike Pence,” he said. “And my friend is going to wear a red hat and go as a Trump supporter. People might not get it, though, because he’s going to wear a face mask with it. He said he’s more concerned with safety than making it look real.”

Perhaps the easiest Halloween costume of all belongs to local teacher and mother of three Karen Cooper. “People have been making jokes about my name all year, so I just decided to lean into it,” she said. “I’m going to walk around filming people on my cell phone and threatening to call the cops. I might order a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks and ask to speak to a manager, just to get into the spirit.”

A hot idea

Michelle Miller, a local restaurant server, had the most creative idea. “People usually tip well on Halloween, so I want to look cute. I have this firefighter costume from a few years ago, so I’m going to wear that and carry some pink and blue balloons. I bet no one’s ever gone as a sexy gender reveal before.”

Though Americans have been working on their costumes, the CDC advises that staying home is the safest way to celebrate Halloween. Most of the people interviewed for this story said that after making a social media post or two, they planned to sit on their couches, eat candy, and get drunk.

Lighter than Dark

LTD: The Firing Squad

Published

1 month ago

March 10, 2024

Jennifer Weigel

So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.

Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…

In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.

The Firing Squad is coming.

And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…

Ready Aim Fire... The Firing Squad appears digital art by Jennifer Weigel — Ready Aim Fire… The Firing Squad appears

Wing Shot... The Firing Squad takes aim digital art by Jennifer Weigel — Wing Shot… The Firing Squad takes aim

Sharp Shooter... You're a goner! digital art by Jennifer Weigel — Sharp Shooter… You’re a goner!

I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

Lighter than Dark

LTD: Library Rules

Published

3 months ago

January 7, 2024

Jennifer Weigel

Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!

Poster spelling out library rules, featuring extraplanar librarian.

Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.

Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.

1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.

2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.

3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.

4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.

5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.

6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.

Close up portrait of librarian, so you can look deep into her creepy metallic crystalline eyes — Close up portrait of librarian

For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…

Lighter than Dark

LTD Dream Subscription Service now available

Published

9 months ago

July 30, 2023

Jennifer Weigel

If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.

There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.

You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.

There are some caveats, though.

Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.

How do I sign up?

If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.

Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant

There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.

Cannon the Candy Corn Squishmallow all tucked in and waiting for Dream Subscription Service

Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.

Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).

And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.