LOS ANGELES, CA. They were maybe our last shot, the baby witches of Tik Tok. They are confident, educated, socially aware young people who can talk to the moon, read tarot cards, and otherwise live out their dreams as Marnie from Halloweentown. But unfortunately, our dear Grandma Debbie Reynolds is dead, and the world is fucked, with or without witchcraft.
Beatrix Brew, a seventeen-year-witch with over 200,000 Tik Tok followers, shared how she and her fellow Tik Tok witches tried to help the world this week.
“So the girls and I thought we should cast a curse on all anti-maskers. We thought we were strong enough to shut down at least one villainous demographic. Then, slowly but surely, we would take over and eradicate every idiot on this planet,” Beatrix explained.
“We’re going to need Stevie Nicks to tackle the All Lives Matters crowd, but I think Stevie is astral projecting to another dimension. She hasn’t answered my telepathic texts. I manifested her response for three days straight, but I didn’t hear jack shit from my witch queen,” Beatrix said.
Stevie, if you’re reading this, it’s 100% understandable that you would use your witchy powers to escape this dimension. All we ask is that next time, please take us with you.
Beatrix then explained, “My friends Witch Hazel, Witch Cordelia, Witch Hermione, and I had a Zoom call on the full moon to put our spells to good use. We made a potion by combining Purell hand sanitizer, the juice from Lysol wipes, and our COVID negative blood. We then wiped it all over a mask to protect everyone who does wear a mask, and enchant everyone who doesn’t wear one. The idea was to get EVERYONE to do their part. Almost like every other country has done during this worldwide pandemic,” Beatrix said through gritted teeth.
“Sure, it was a new recipe, but we thought it would do the trick and possess people to wear masks, maintain proper sanitation, and flatten the curve of COVID. BUT since we’re baby witches, it only worked on anti-maskers within a fifty-foot radius of us. So at least my dad wears a mask now,” Hazel added.
Apparently, the failed attempt to use their supernatural powers to force people to commit an act of human decency went viral on Tik Tok. Other witchy teens commended them for their courage. However, the witch pals were disappointed.
“This whole experiment really sucked the life out of me. I might retire from witchcraft for good, and I’ve only done it for two full moons,” Hermione explained.
“I’m trying to be positive,” Hazel said while she wiped her teary eyes. “So can you at least sign this petition to replace Ellen DeGeneres with Eric Andre? I’m trying everything I can to improve 2020.”
Okay, that we might be able to do.