MILLERSBURG, OHIO — In a small town located in the heart of Ohio’s Amish country, local resident Nicole Jackson recently reported episodes of paranormal activity taking place in her home.
“For a few days, I just thought my oven was broken,” Ms. Jackson explained. “I’d try to preheat it, but it kept turning itself off. Same thing happened with the stove when I tried to boil water for pasta. I called someone to come repair it, but he couldn’t find anything wrong with it. That was weird, but when my microwave exploded, I knew something was really wrong.”
Ms. Jackson went on to describe other kitchen malfunctions, such as the refrigerator blowing a fuse, and the motor burning out on her Kitchen Aid mixer. “I was freaked out, and ordering pizza every night was getting expensive. Then I had an idea.”
The haunting left Ms. Jackson unable to use her kitchen.
A thrift-store find
Ms. Jackson recalled that the week prior to the haunting, she had shopped at a Goodwill frequented by the local Amish community. “I got this really nice set of vintage Tupperware and some Pyrex dishes,” Ms. Jackson explained. “I noticed they all had the same initials on the bottom, so I figured they were from the same owner. Maybe someone’s grandmother passed away, so they donated them.”
It was these dishes, Ms. Jackson believes, that caused her kitchen appliances to malfunction. “I think I brought this Amish lady’s ghost into my house, and she was really upset that I was using her cookware with the electric appliances. I felt pretty bad about it, but I really needed my oven fixed. Thanksgiving is coming up.”
Advertisement
A simple blessing
Ms. Jackson attempted to research the problem, but was unable to find much information online. “I thought about calling an Amish minister to bless the house, but I didn’t know how to get in touch with anybody,” she said. In the end, Ms. Jackson decided to scour the cookware with salt, for protection, and to try to reach out to the ghost personally. “I asked her to move on, and told her I’d try to honor her memory by being kind to others, living more simply, and maybe learning to quilt. I’d been thinking about it anyway,” she explained.
After performing the cleansing, Ms. Jackson said she felt much lighter, and briefly smelled the scent of freshly-baked apple pie. “I never had any trouble after that,” she explained, “and I think my cooking is better than ever.” Mrs. Jackson went on to mention, however, that her clothes dryer has been on the fritz lately.
Kristin Cleaves writes horror and dark fiction. Her work has been published by Quill and Crow Publishing House, Ghost Orchid Press, Black Telephone Magazine, and more.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
Advertisement
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Advertisement
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Cannon the Candy Corn Squishmallow all tucked in and waiting for Dream Subscription Service
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.