MEXICO CITY — In response to recent events, Satan spoke to the media today to apologize for causing an ocean fire in the Gulf of Mexico. The evil entity — also known as Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Father of Lies, Lord of the Flies, and Beelzebub — expressed regret about the incident. “I’m sorry about the fire. I was on Earth to attend a secret gathering of billionaires, and maybe had a little too much to drink. When I got home, I had my hands full, Cerberus was barking, Bill Cosby was calling my phone; in all the commotion, I forgot to close the door behind me.”
The ocean fire, which was originally suspected to be caused by an underwater pipeline break near the Yucatan peninsula, took over five hours to extinguish. Citizens across the world were horrified by images of the environmental disaster. “I realize it freaked people out, and I’m sorry,” Satan continued. “Everyone was already pissed off at me about the heat wave, too. Look, I have a lot on my plate right now.”
Satan explained he did not realize at first that he had caused the fire, so the blaze went on for some time before he was able to close the portal. “When I first heard about it, I assumed Cthulhu had fallen asleep smoking again. I figured the Deep Ones would deal with it. But after a while, I remembered I had forgotten to lock up when I left.”
No injuries were reported due to the fire, though the environmental impact will likely be severe. Satan is unsure if there will be further repercussions due to the incident. “I’ll be honest, it’s fairly likely that some demons got out and are currently wreaking havoc, sowing discord, despair, and panic all over Earth. But let’s be real, that’s nothing new.”
In defense of his actions, Satan explained, “I’ve been stuck in the house forever. I had to get out. And yes, I am fully vaccinated.” He went on to say that he has not ruled out the prospect of opening the portal again, in case any oil company executives want to pay him a visit.