If you’re going into this episode of Netflix’s Witcher with an expectation of great battles, spectacular monsters and a shocking plot reveal that will leave you counting the minutes until July 27th then I’m sad to say you’re going to be disappointed.
What we got instead was a catty party full of unlikable and irritating people, all lying to each other and trying to gain the upper hand.
And these are supposed to be our heroes?
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
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The Story
We begin the episode with Geralt and Yennefer walking into the ball before the Conclave. They flutter around, having conversations with all of the big players of the season so far. Then, they retire to their bedchambers.
Allow me now to sum up each of these conversations. “You cannot trust anyone in this room. Trust me!”
Ah, but wait! When it looks like we’ve reached the end of the night, we go back to the beginning again. We again see Geralt and Yennefer go into the ballroom and are treated to another round of repetitive conversations with people who are too full of themselves in dark corners. But this time Geralt creates a diversion by getting into a fist fight with Istredd. As though anyone thought for a moment that was real.
But wait! We have to go back a third time and start the party all over again. Because it turns out there were yet more conversations we missed, with no one saying anything very interesting. At least this time Stregobor’s arrested for kidnapping the missing novices, so that was something interesting.
But wait! All is not, as the song says, as it seems. And as Geralt and Yennefer think back through their conversations, they realize that Stregobor isn’t the one behind the novices disappearing after all.
Shocking.
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What works
Here’s the one and only thing that I think was done well in this episode. Ciri wasn’t in it at all.
This isn’t to say that the character is so irritating that her absence was the only thing to like about the episode. Ciri’s a fine character. The season has been at its best when it focuses on her, Yennefer and Geralt.
But this episode left me with just one question that couldn’t be answered by a genre-savvy twelve-year-old.
Where is Ciri, and why didn’t we hear from her all night?
To be clear, if it turns out that we didn’t hear from her because there was nothing to tell, I’m going to feel cheated. If she spent all night playing cards with Jaskier, instead of being kidnapped, I feel like that was a missed opportunity on the writer’s part.
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What didn’t work
Nothing else in this episode worked for me. I hated the repetition. I see what they were trying to do, adding layer after layer to the story. Showing us parts of conversations that we missed before. But in the end, it’s still just conversations. It’s still just unlikable people standing around talking, trying to score points off each other.
Then, there is the bloody song that keeps playing in the background. It’s a repetitive song to start with, so having to hear it over and over didn’t help. And frankly, it was insulting. Did we need someone singing in the background that all is not as it seems? Frankly, the twists and revelations in this episode were about as surprising as a politician at a strip club.
I especially hated the fight between Geralt and Istredd. I know it was supposed to be a distraction, playing to the low attention span of the people at this party, but it was just gross.
And keep in mind, we are supposed to like the kings of the North. At least some of them. We’re supposed to want them and the mages to win against Nilfgaard. But I don’t like any of these people. I have yet to be presented with a compelling reason why Nilfgaard shouldn’t wipe them off the face of the Earth. And I sure as hell don’t see why Geralt and Yennefer don’t just take Ciri and walk away.
Because at this point, I’m just ready to walk away from the whole series.
The last three episodes of the season will be released on July 27th. I honestly can’t say that I’ll be looking forward to them.
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(What you should be looking forward to is the second season of AA, our original dark scifi podcast, coming August 15th. You can listen to season one right now.)
(2 / 5)
We’ve reached the final episode of American Horror Stories, season three. After the ups and downs of the season, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that we were due a big finish, Killer Queens. But I feared we were in for a big letdown.
As it turns out, The Thing Under The Bed was neither.
The story
We begin our story with a little girl named Mary, who is scared of something under her bed. She sneaks out of her room, only to be caught by her father and sent back to sleep. And of course, there is something horrible waiting for her under her bed.
This scene cuts away to a woman named Jillian. She has strange dreams, including one about Mary. But her husband, Mark, doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s only interested in a little lovemaking because he wants a baby. Jillian doesn’t, which makes total sense because she’s already married to one. But her irritation with her childish husband goes away when he goes away. And by goes away, I mean he’s sloppily devoured by something vicious under their bed.
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What worked
In short, this episode just worked. The acting was professional and believable. The cinematography and lighting work were wonderful, adding spooky effects and startling moments without impairing visibility.
Best of all, the story was solid. There were no plotholes to be found. Our main character, Jillian, was relatable and sympathetic.
This was maybe my favorite part of the story. I thought Jillian was a remarkably sympathetic character. She was dealt a hand she never asked for, having her husband slaughtered in their bedroom. I don’t think she missed him, so much as she was afraid of the legal ramifications of being caught with literal blood on her hands.
Then, when it would have been safest for her to just lay low and save up for a good defense attorney, she instead goes into unlikely hero mode. She does her best to save people, putting herself in legal and physical danger. It’s hard not to root for her.
It’s also a little hard not to root for the antagonist, too. I don’t want to ruin the twist for you, so I’m going to tread lightly here. But it’s great when you have an antagonist who might be off their rocker, but also maybe has a point.
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What didn’t work
I can only really think of one complaint with this episode. And that is how frequently one character says the word Chickadee. And if you’ve seen the episode, you know what I am talking about.
I get it, he has a pet name for his daughter. It’s adorable. It’s meant to convey that the two of them have a healthy loving relationship and I get it. We all get it. Blind monks get it. But the fact remains that no parent on Earth calls their kid by their pet name every single time they speak an individual sentence to them. It was just too damn much.
All in all, this was a good episode. It was a classic story, turned on its head, told by professionals from start to finish. And I hope that if there is another season, we see more stories like this one. But after the efforts put into this season at large, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last we see of American Horror Stories.
If you’ve watched enough short-form horror anthology shows, you’ll notice that some stories are mainstays. Each show seems to put on the same sort of episodes, with the occasional surprising storyline that we’ve never (or at least rarely) seen before.
Leprechaun was an example of a repeated story—the story of a greedy thief whose punishment far outweighs the crime.
The story
We begin our story in 1841, with a drunk man leaving the bar one late night. He’s distracted by something glowing at the end of the well. When he reaches down for the glowing thing, he falls in. Moments later, he screams.
We then cut to the modern day. The well is still there, and now it’s surrounded by a dying town. In this town lives a young man named Colin. He’s married, his wife is pregnant, and he’s out of work. Like many of his friends.
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Desperate for cash, Colin and his friends decide to rob a bank. They put together an Equate version of Ocean’s Eleven, and break in one night. But, of course, they find that the gold is nothing more than bait. And the creature waiting for them is something they never expected.
What worked
The first thing I want to point out is how real this episode felt. At least to anyone currently living in the same small town they grew up in. These characters felt like guys I went to school with. Guys I would see at the bar.
I appreciated the real anger and frustration these characters are feeling. Especially Colin. He’s bitter, and maybe he has a right to be. He did exactly what he was supposed to do to succeed. He went to school and invested in his career, and yet now he’s out of work and struggling to support his family. I probably don’t need to tell you how that feels. Because of this, we can all kind of understand why he was tempted to rob a bank.
I also want to talk about the fact that this was, as I said, an often-explored story. That can be a bad thing, but it can also be a good thing. This story is told over and over because it’s a good story. A relatable story. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
What didn’t work
That being said, this version didn’t try to do much to break out of the mold.
Because we have seen this story so many times, most of us could tell the story themselves. I would have expected something new, or some twist. But, in the end, the story didn’t bring anything new to the discussion.
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Maybe because of this, the ending left a lot to be desired. Trapped in the basement of the bank, everyone just sort of stares at everyone else, until the thieves give up. And that’s it. The ending wasn’t scary, shocking, or funny. It was just sad, on multiple levels.
Overall, this was an okay story. It was entertaining, if not surprising. I would compare this episode to homemade macaroni and cheese. Everyone’s got their own version, they’re all pretty good, and none of them are exciting.
There’s just one episode left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope they’ve saved the best for last.
We begin our story late at night, with a hospital security guard named Malcolm. He is frightened one night when he sees a woman with a distorted face in the hospital parking lot.
We then joined an RN named Claire. She’s doing her best to explain to a struggling mother that the hospital will not be able to treat her son with cancer because she can’t afford the treatment.
Not like she’s happy about it.
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Fortunately, Dr. Nostrum, played by the legend Henry Winkler, swoops in at the last moment to tell the mother that her son qualifies for a special place in his cancer treatment clinic.
Claire is lamenting the fact that she became an RN to help people, but it feels like she isn’t doing anything good. Then, she and her friend Lilly stumble upon the same woman who menaced Malcom the night before.
While Claire is trying to figure out what’s wrong with this woman, she brutally slaughters an orderly and vanishes into the hospital. But not before struggling to say two words to Claire. Ward X.
What worked
I want to start by praising the effects of this episode. Because they were fantastic. Aided by the black and white filming, the bloody and distorted faces of Alice and her fellow victims are nightmarish. They look like a horrific version of Lockjaw taken to a terrifying extreme.
I also want to discuss the fantastic work of Henry Winkler. He is an absolute legend and never has a bad project.
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Winkler’s character in this episode was exactly what we’d expect from him. He seems genuinely warm and kind, concerned about others’ well-being. Even when he’s planning to kill Claire, he comes off as such a caring guy.
Finally, I want to talk about the historical significance of this story. Because, like I always say, the scariest stories are the ones based on truth. And I’m sorry to say, this story has a basis in truth.
Mankind has a dark and twisted history when it comes to medical advances. Most doctors and scientists are good, moral people who abide by the first line of the Hippocratic oath, to first do no harm. Some, historically, are little more than monsters in white coats. Consider the Tuskegee Experiment, Unit 731, and the horrific acts of Josef Mengele. If you’re going to look up that middle one, be warned that it is NSFL.
While this episode of American Horror Stories was a work of fiction, it wasn’t that far off. I don’t think many of us want to admit how close to real life it was. This is the gift of good horror, to force us to come face to face with the worst aspects of humanity. To acknowledge them, accept them, and change them.
All in all, this was a perfect episode. The acting, the effects and the story were all top-shelf. And it’s certainly a story that will stick with you.
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There are just two episodes left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope that they reach closer to the quality of X, and away from the dull and dismal episodes that began the second half of this season.
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