LTD: Aliens Slaughter Portland’s Vegan Population And Leave
PORTLAND, OR. Jim from The Office warned us with the film, A Quiet Place, and yet the vegans would not listen. Like all alien encounters, it started with mass hysteria. People were disappearing fast, but not just any people. Hippie folk who preferred kale to beef were dropping like flies. That’s right, the aliens were only murdering vegans. At first no meat-eater understood why.
Vegans are known to have lots of movement down under due to their fibrous diets. The aliens, who had hypersensitive hearing abilities, were on top of a vegan the second their stomach churned from the bean burrito they ate for dinner.
Owner of The Butchery on Main, known as “Meaty Mike” for a few reasons, said, “Those ethical freaks would protest my store every single Saturday until the aliens came down. After that, they were M.I.A. I started to think it was because their fragile little bones couldn’t outrun the aliens, but then it dawned on me. They farted so much that they attracted the aliens by the loud sound waves their butt cheeks produced.”
“You see, when you eat a diet high in meat and cheese like me, you’re constipated as hell, your doctor puts you on countless pills, and your body forgets the sensation of releasing hot wind from your a-hole. And despite all of those disadvantages, we won,” Meaty Mike explained.
Local man, Meaty Mike, sheds some light on this tragedy
“The aliens did not want us because they could not hear us. We consumed our beef jerky in silence, while the herbivores noisily chewed on carrots and sharted until the sun came up. It was almost too easy for the aliens to find them,” Meaty Mike said.
Portland, a very eco-conscious and bizarre city, has a high rate of plant-based eaters. When the aliens came down for a snack, they were in the perfect spot to find people by sound alone. It was a perfect storm that left thousands dead. Once the aliens had their fill of vegan human meat, they went back into their little rocket ship and continued on their way. They didn’t want world domination, just a snack on a road trip.
“Think of it like stopping at a gas station for corn nuts during a seven-hour drive. It has to be done to get you through the trip. That’s precisely what the aliens were doing with that radical left-wing meat,” Meaty Mike said.
“You know, I kind of miss the little rascals. They were annoying, but they were standing up for what they believed in and that’s pretty cool. Do I think they deserved to die? Some of them yes, specifically Radish who would threaten my family, but there were some sweeties like Cilantro, Baby Bok Choy, and Purple Potato. Oh, Purple Potato he was something special. He would mouth, ‘I’m sorry’ to me before screaming, ‘Meat is Murder!’ in my face,” Meaty Mike explained before tearing up.
Portland folks remain heartbroken, yet strong
“God damn it. Screw those aliens, man. Why couldn’t they have eaten some goddamn ham and steak like the rest of us? The vegans just wanted to help the planet and save a few cows from death. It’s not a life I would choose to live, obviously, but Jesus they did not deserve a death sentence for their poor food choices,” Meaty Mike said before walking away while sobbing.
While Portland may never rebuild their vegan population to the status it was pre-Alien encounter, we can all learn something from this experience. Maybe we should eat some beans once in a while. Unless the aliens come back, there’s no harm in a regular farting and shitting routine.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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John Combo
March 3, 2020 at 1:40 am
This was golden! Awesome job!
Brianna S.
March 4, 2020 at 8:05 pm
Thank you!