LTD: Aliens Slaughter Portland’s Vegan Population And Leave
PORTLAND, OR. Jim from The Office warned us with the film, A Quiet Place, and yet the vegans would not listen. Like all alien encounters, it started with mass hysteria. People were disappearing fast, but not just any people. Hippie folk who preferred kale to beef were dropping like flies. That’s right, the aliens were only murdering vegans. At first no meat-eater understood why.
Vegans are known to have lots of movement down under due to their fibrous diets. The aliens, who had hypersensitive hearing abilities, were on top of a vegan the second their stomach churned from the bean burrito they ate for dinner.
Owner of The Butchery on Main, known as “Meaty Mike” for a few reasons, said, “Those ethical freaks would protest my store every single Saturday until the aliens came down. After that, they were M.I.A. I started to think it was because their fragile little bones couldn’t outrun the aliens, but then it dawned on me. They farted so much that they attracted the aliens by the loud sound waves their butt cheeks produced.”
“You see, when you eat a diet high in meat and cheese like me, you’re constipated as hell, your doctor puts you on countless pills, and your body forgets the sensation of releasing hot wind from your a-hole. And despite all of those disadvantages, we won,” Meaty Mike explained.
Local man, Meaty Mike, sheds some light on this tragedy
“The aliens did not want us because they could not hear us. We consumed our beef jerky in silence, while the herbivores noisily chewed on carrots and sharted until the sun came up. It was almost too easy for the aliens to find them,” Meaty Mike said.
Portland, a very eco-conscious and bizarre city, has a high rate of plant-based eaters. When the aliens came down for a snack, they were in the perfect spot to find people by sound alone. It was a perfect storm that left thousands dead. Once the aliens had their fill of vegan human meat, they went back into their little rocket ship and continued on their way. They didn’t want world domination, just a snack on a road trip.
“Think of it like stopping at a gas station for corn nuts during a seven-hour drive. It has to be done to get you through the trip. That’s precisely what the aliens were doing with that radical left-wing meat,” Meaty Mike said.
“You know, I kind of miss the little rascals. They were annoying, but they were standing up for what they believed in and that’s pretty cool. Do I think they deserved to die? Some of them yes, specifically Radish who would threaten my family, but there were some sweeties like Cilantro, Baby Bok Choy, and Purple Potato. Oh, Purple Potato he was something special. He would mouth, ‘I’m sorry’ to me before screaming, ‘Meat is Murder!’ in my face,” Meaty Mike explained before tearing up.
Portland folks remain heartbroken, yet strong
“God damn it. Screw those aliens, man. Why couldn’t they have eaten some goddamn ham and steak like the rest of us? The vegans just wanted to help the planet and save a few cows from death. It’s not a life I would choose to live, obviously, but Jesus they did not deserve a death sentence for their poor food choices,” Meaty Mike said before walking away while sobbing.
While Portland may never rebuild their vegan population to the status it was pre-Alien encounter, we can all learn something from this experience. Maybe we should eat some beans once in a while. Unless the aliens come back, there’s no harm in a regular farting and shitting routine.
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
John Combo
March 3, 2020 at 1:40 am
This was golden! Awesome job!
Brianna S.
March 4, 2020 at 8:05 pm
Thank you!