ROSWELL, NM — A recent telephone survey conducted in the United States shows that most citizens would be amenable to being abducted by aliens if they had the opportunity. On a scale of “Eh, Whatever” to “Hell, Yes,” most respondents to the question “Would you like to be abducted by extraterrestrials from an advanced alien civilization?” answered in the affirmative.
Survey participants cited national concerns such as the COVID-19 pandemic, police brutality, systemic racism, high unemployment, and general ennui as reasons they might be interested in abduction. Many who took the survey were convinced that the alien civilization would have a cure or vaccine for the coronavirus, with some citing “that tank thing Luke Skywalker was in” as an example of the aliens’ presumably advanced medical technology.
Other abduction incentives cited by respondents included the replicator and the holodeck from “Star Trek,” as well as the possibility of extended cryogenic stasis during the journey. Many participants expressed a desire to “sleep for a hundred years, maybe more, hell, I don’t care.”
When asked if they would consent to intrusive medical experiments, such as internal probing, dissection, and/or eventual taxidermy, many survey respondents said they would prefer it to dealing with the American health care system. While some expressed fears of a nightmare scenario such as being used as a host for alien larvae and/or covered in extraterrestrial body fluids and slime, others said they were willing to roll the dice.
Participants have had no follow-up contact from the unidentified organization that conducted the survey. When asked to comment, a representative from the organization stated that upon further research, they were no longer interested in Earth’s population and planned to stay as far away as possible.