LTD: Jeepers Creepers! NY Man Follows Pinterest Life Quote & Takes Out His Eyeballs
NEW YORK CITY, NY. On Sunday night, emergency services received a call from an Upper East Side apartment complex where investigators discovered a man who scooped out his own eyeballs. According to the man’s neighbors, his dog was barking so loud that they knocked on his door to tell him to “Shut up or go back to Staten Island like the trash disguised in a suit you are!”
NEW YORK CITY, NY. On Sunday night, emergency services received a call from an Upper East Side apartment complex where investigators discovered a man who scooped out his own eyeballs. According to the man’s neighbors, his dog was barking so loud that they knocked on his door to tell him to “Shut up or go back to Staten Island like the trash disguised in a suit you are!” They found the door unlocked and naturally, went inside to snoop. The elderly couple were horrified to find weed and a bong. They immediately called the police to report the drug possession. When the cops arrived, they saw the body with missing eyes and asked, “Um, why didn’t you tell us about him?” The couple apparently replied, “You smoke the Devil’s lettuce, the Devil smokes your ass.”
The victim, identified as Simon Saiz, was transported to the Lenox Hill Hospital and immediately pronounced dead, considering the medical team could see each other through his brain. The emergency room doctor, Dr. Emoio said, “I’ve never seen anything like that before. Hehe. Eye jokes. We try to have fun here.”
After our crew told him that was insensitive given the grotesque and unfortunate death of Simon Saiz, Dr. Emoio replied, “C’mon, it’s New York, baby. The other day I saw a rat humping a meatball sub get run over by a pedicab. The blood and meat, from both the rodent and sandwich, sprayed all over the tourists riding in the pedicab. They don’t call this place the concrete jungle for nothin’.”
Our crew didn’t even bother to ask Dr. Emoio more on Simon’s death. The man was clearly unable to feel emotion towards living beings. The investigators were a little bit more helpful. Well, actually, from the afterlife, Simon was the one who helped solved his case. After sweeping the apartment, a detective came across a note that said,
“I’m always seeing the quote, ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ on my Pinterest wall, but I didn’t really ‘get’ what that means until recently. Suddenly it clicked, if I can’t see shitty things…. then there won’t be shitting things. So tonight I’m taking out my old peepers. And if you think I’m nuts, Justin Long has a fruitful career and life even though his eyes were removed! I think they just CGI his old eyes in and BOOM. He’s set.
All I know is, I have to SEE for myself if what they say is true <3
Out of sight, out of mind.
Oh, Simon. Jeepers Creepers wasn’t a documentary, and you never really did figure out what the saying means. Poor, Simon Saiz. Always doing what he’s told.
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
LTD Happy New Year Baby!
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.
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