RICHMOND VA. On Monday night, an entire street took part in a 3 a.m. shame session when the ghost of confederate Jefferson Davis showed up to haunt one family.
The Johns family awoke from their slumber because the Godawful smell of something, or someone, was filling the air. Mr. and Mrs. Johns along with their two daughters were so offended by the putrid smell that they got out of bed to investigate the source.
Mrs. Johns said, “So there I was, my titties hanging out, smelling an unearthly smell when I saw this Confederate bitch in my kitchen. It’s one thing to see a ghost in your home. And it’s another thing to see fucking Jefferson Davis in your kitchen looking to take more of what isn’t his.
Once I realized who the ghost was, every ounce of fear left my body because I realized, while I couldn’t physically beat him up, I could verbally abuse him to obliteration. I called the whole family down so we could all participate. My girls were so excited.”
Apparently, the ghost of Jefferson Davis was crying in their kitchen because his wittle statue was torn down. The Johns family, who were very aware that Confederate soldiers and generals deserved to rot in hell, took it upon themselves to really give Jefferson something to cry about.
13-year-old Grace Johns said, “I told that racist sack of shit I would stick my boot where the sun don’t shine if I could. Since I couldn’t inflict physical pain onto his ghost, I chose psychological torment. To do this, I showed him a video compilation of other racist statues being torn down. Enya played in the background, and boy, was it a work of art. Of course, Jefferson sobbed and sobbed. I haven’t cried like that since I was what… maybe ten months old? How embarrassing for him.”
The neighbors of the Johns family apparently heard the sound of wild laughter and pathetic tears coming from the home, and gathered out front to join in. The Johns family, realizing they’d caused quite a stir, opened their door and used their liberal, witchy powers to drag the ghost of Jefferson Davis into the street.
Within a matter of ten minutes, eighty Virginia residents had gathered around the ghost to laugh at him, show off their black excellence, and generally shame everything Jefferson Davis stands for.
Mr. Johns said, “After five minutes of being ridiculed, the ghost of Jefferson started sobbing again. Then Satan himself rose from beneath us and declared, ‘How did you get out you stupid bastard? Your buddy Robert E. Lee misses you. Back to hell we go.’ And then they both disappeared. I can still hear Jefferson’s screams of agony.” Mr. Johns proceeds to laugh.
Once he composed himself after the giggle attack, Mr Johns concluded, “Whenever I need a pick me up, I just replay his screams in my head and tears of joy come to my eyes. It’s foolproof.”
The youngest Johns member, Lucy Johns age 6, concluded the interview by saying, “Man, fuck that guy.”
That’s right little Lucy. Fuck that guy.
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
LTD Happy New Year Baby!
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
LTD: The Horrors of Jell-O
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.
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