LTD: Dracula Stops Killing Humans Because He Can Taste Our Despair
ROMANIA. Notorious V.A.M.P.I.R.E., Dracula is reportedly leaving Romanians alone for the first time ever after torturing them for centuries Records report that he killed ten people in January and February (his usual appetite), but by March, he only slaughtered an old man. And nobody has seen him since then. At first, locals were thanking the ground they walked on.
ROMANIA. After torturing human beings for centuries, Notorious V.A.M.P.I.R.E. Dracula is reportedly leaving Romanians alone for the first time ever. Records report that he killed ten people in January and February (his usual appetite), but by March, he only slaughtered one old man. And nobody has seen him since. At first, locals were thanking the ground they walked on.
Elena, a local who’s lineage has suffered at the mouth of Dracula, said, “I can make supper in peace now. I don’t have to turn around every 10 seconds to make sure that ancient bastard isn’t going to have my O+ blood for Happy Hour. I finally feel like I can live again, instead of just survive.
Elena’s neighbor shared, “We couldn’t understand why he stopped his never-ending hunt for our blood. I mean, he’s just always brutally murdered our people and left out our carcasses on the streets like we’re pieces of meat. A lifestyle change like that doesn’t happen overnight. Something had to be deeply wrong with That Pasty Motherfucker.”
After researching Dracula for approximately one minute, our team found his Instagram page @ih8garlic. His bio said, “You might be thirsty for my eggplant, but trust me, I’m thirstier for you. :)” Although we were taken aback by Dracula’s fuckboy nature, we knew we needed to DM him to get an interview.
Within seconds he responded to our message with a, “What’s your Snapchat?” but we shut that down quickly and said we would conduct our interview strictly over Zoom. He agreed anyway, and we sent him the link. Here is how that conversation went.
Dracula: Good afternoon, sweetheart. So nice of you to talk to me. Most people are intimidated by me for some reason. I guess because I’m a bad boy, but I can tell you’re into bad boys.
Me: Sir, I messaged you strictly for business. You know I’m a reporter who isn’t trying to smash in your coffin, right?
Dracula: Oh of course, of course. But afterwards?
Me: *shakes head slowly* I’m really here to ask you about your blood-sucking hiatus. Why did you stop killing the Romanian people at the end of March?
Dracula: You see, my dear human, your kind is just so unbelievably fucked right now that I could taste it, neigh, I could smell it from a mile away. The blood was just… so icky. You see, a normal, happy human has sweet, delicious blood. But a depressed, hopeless human’s blood is sour and bitter. My palette couldn’t take the damage 2020 has wreaked on humanity.
Me: Damn.
Dracula: So, I switched to woodland creatures for the time being. It takes longer to feel full, but they’re so much happier! Until things start looking up for your species, I’m on an all forest diet. Now let’s get back to that virtual date I was talking about.
*Call ends*
Although our “species” was rejected from one of the universe’s most famous monsters, we can count this one as a win.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
In keeping with the tradition of celebrating the first New Year Baby, the firstborn of the year, we are excited to announce the birth of Baybee Draconia Werewoof. Draconia was birthed at precisely midnight January 1, 2023 during a demonic ritual. We are still uncertain whether or not her mother survived the event. But, like any demonspawn, Draconia is already well on her way to ruling the world with an iron-clawed fist.
New Year Baby Draconia opened her eyes immediately and ripped apart the fancy 2023 sash she was christened with upon her arrival. She was already walking, teething, and mauling her nursery mates about an hour after her birth. After setting off two minor explosions and a small fire, she is starting to show a propensity for the Dark Magicks. Her experiences are limited so her mind control and delusional tendencies are still fledgling, but are sure to really take off as she takes in more of the world.
New Year Baby Draconia is expected to start schooling this year within her cultist circle. As her skills and following develop, she will begin to pave the way for the Spawn of Satan, Harbinger of the Apocolypse, so Draconia is the New Year Baby to keep an eye on.
Jell-O is horrifying, and not just because of all that has been revealed about its longtime spokesperson Bill Cosby. In its dark past, it has called forth Eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension from the depths of the furthest points of the universe.
But Jell-O itself is harmless you say, besides which it is yummy. And it’s fun to make glowing Jell-O shots and zombie brains & other body parts with my silicone Halloween molds. Just think about all of The Joys of Jell-O, you assert. As both a horror fan and culinary inclusionist, I can tell you’re not convinced…
Now I’m not talking about the fruit salad Jell-O concoctions that have graced every Midwest potluck for nearly a century. No, I’m referring to the 1940s Jell-O terrors involving shredded vegetables, pureed hot dogs, fish, shrimp, and other substances that many of us dare not speak of today, for fear we may slowly lose our sanity by simply mentioning them.
Still don’t believe me? Well, let’s check out some of the most incriminating evidence, shall we?
What in all of Hell’s half acre are these monstrocities? They look like something straight out of Hades concessions? Why would anyone in their right mind do that to perfectly good seafood? And what’s with the hot dog cultists, or worse yet – pureed hot dogs? Remember – if the dog won’t eat it, maybe it actually isn’t food. And the cat is repelled as if she saw a ghost, then perhaps she really did…
To call forth a demigod or other deity of any sort, one does best to craft something in its image, and these culinary masterpieces did exactly that. Imagine all of the Lovecraftian horrors they sought to unleash upon the unsuspecting world. What Eldritch terrors are drawn to the smell and taste of aspic? We must do everything in our power to thwart this great evil.
In response, I have chosen to collect copper fish molds. These kitchen adornments’ sole function was to craft these horrific things, that is their nefarious purpose. No one makes fruit salad Jell-O in the shape of a dead salmon, now do they? Of course not! Give it some thought, and join me in being a part of the solution.
E Derpenton
September 2, 2020 at 4:54 pm
Wait. Dracula is a f*ckboi rather than a smooth talking Brit? Way to make 2020 even worse. Just let me live the dream!
Brianna Schullo
September 2, 2020 at 10:54 pm
I was shocked and hurt too, but I saw it with my own eyes. Dracula is a confirmed Chad.