LTD: Dracula Stops Killing Humans Because He Can Taste Our Despair
ROMANIA. Notorious V.A.M.P.I.R.E., Dracula is reportedly leaving Romanians alone for the first time ever after torturing them for centuries Records report that he killed ten people in January and February (his usual appetite), but by March, he only slaughtered an old man. And nobody has seen him since then. At first, locals were thanking the ground they walked on.
ROMANIA. After torturing human beings for centuries, Notorious V.A.M.P.I.R.E. Dracula is reportedly leaving Romanians alone for the first time ever. Records report that he killed ten people in January and February (his usual appetite), but by March, he only slaughtered one old man. And nobody has seen him since. At first, locals were thanking the ground they walked on.
Elena, a local who’s lineage has suffered at the mouth of Dracula, said, “I can make supper in peace now. I don’t have to turn around every 10 seconds to make sure that ancient bastard isn’t going to have my O+ blood for Happy Hour. I finally feel like I can live again, instead of just survive.
Elena’s neighbor shared, “We couldn’t understand why he stopped his never-ending hunt for our blood. I mean, he’s just always brutally murdered our people and left out our carcasses on the streets like we’re pieces of meat. A lifestyle change like that doesn’t happen overnight. Something had to be deeply wrong with That Pasty Motherfucker.”
After researching Dracula for approximately one minute, our team found his Instagram page @ih8garlic. His bio said, “You might be thirsty for my eggplant, but trust me, I’m thirstier for you. :)” Although we were taken aback by Dracula’s fuckboy nature, we knew we needed to DM him to get an interview.
Within seconds he responded to our message with a, “What’s your Snapchat?” but we shut that down quickly and said we would conduct our interview strictly over Zoom. He agreed anyway, and we sent him the link. Here is how that conversation went.
Dracula: Good afternoon, sweetheart. So nice of you to talk to me. Most people are intimidated by me for some reason. I guess because I’m a bad boy, but I can tell you’re into bad boys.
Me: Sir, I messaged you strictly for business. You know I’m a reporter who isn’t trying to smash in your coffin, right?
Dracula: Oh of course, of course. But afterwards?
Me: *shakes head slowly* I’m really here to ask you about your blood-sucking hiatus. Why did you stop killing the Romanian people at the end of March?
Dracula: You see, my dear human, your kind is just so unbelievably fucked right now that I could taste it, neigh, I could smell it from a mile away. The blood was just… so icky. You see, a normal, happy human has sweet, delicious blood. But a depressed, hopeless human’s blood is sour and bitter. My palette couldn’t take the damage 2020 has wreaked on humanity.
Me: Damn.
Dracula: So, I switched to woodland creatures for the time being. It takes longer to feel full, but they’re so much happier! Until things start looking up for your species, I’m on an all forest diet. Now let’s get back to that virtual date I was talking about.
*Call ends*
Although our “species” was rejected from one of the universe’s most famous monsters, we can count this one as a win.
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
E Derpenton
September 2, 2020 at 4:54 pm
Wait. Dracula is a f*ckboi rather than a smooth talking Brit? Way to make 2020 even worse. Just let me live the dream!
Brianna Schullo
September 2, 2020 at 10:54 pm
I was shocked and hurt too, but I saw it with my own eyes. Dracula is a confirmed Chad.