SLEDGEHAMMER is the directorial debut of David A. Prior and brought to you by a budget of $20, a firm handshake and a case of room-temperature beer.
Well, let’s jump right in and see what’s so special about SLEDGEHAMMER!
The Plot:
After establishing the hell out of an ordinary house, we sift through days of slow-motion to get the heart-breaking tale of an abusive mother. Meeting her lover, she can’t be bothered with her child, so she locks him in a closet. However her affair is cut short when she and her lover get sledgehammered to death.
What happens to the boy? Nobody knoooows (spooky music)! But seriously, cops are like, “Huh…who cares.”
After a gross food fight and strange homophobic banter later, a group of horny (re: annoying) teens break in. Not only to have sexy times, but also…SATANIC RITUALS!!! Well, at least they’re not playing those awful, violent video games.
However, after goofing around a while, one of them has a bright idea:
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Dude: Let’s have some real fun!
Other Dude: Orgy?
Dude: No. Seance!– this gem of a movie
Unfortunately, as expected, things go downhill fast and they start dying from a blue-collar, flannel-wearing serial killer. But can they find out about the missing boy before it’s too late? Can they escape the wrath of this every-man murderer? Could they show us another establishing shot of the house (because I missed it the first twenty times)?
Come watch to find out!
Thoughts:
This is pure and utter 80’s garbage in its most beautiful form. SLEDGEHAMMER is the type of film that’s now parodied and glorified in today’s hottest Comedy-Horror flicks. Convoluted plot, awkward acting, scant budget, and gallons of fake blood – it ticks all of the boxes. It’s hard to understand, hard to hear, and hard to get any attachment to the characters, but it sure is easy on the eyes and the soul (just kidding, it’s garbage on the eyes, too).
This is a gem of Movie Mania’s Monday bargains, on the bottom shelf of the video rental store, un-rewound because no one cared enough to be kind to it.
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Brain Roll Juice (spoilers):
Okay, two thoughts.
First is the strange fixation of homophobia of the 80’s. I’ve seen this time and time again in 80’s horror – there’s this sudden scene when we’re getting to know our cast of characters when gayness is brought up, usually to establish that our characters are “men” and they ain’t no queeros!This is usually in response to talking about having sex with their girlfriends (which is redundant at best and very suspicious at worst), or to prompt one of the dudes to incite the incident, which leads to their untimely deaths.
So….in a way…homophobia is to blame for the murder counts in a lot of these movies…
Second, I actually like this killer’s concept. Much like what Jason eventually becomes, this killer is very much a victim. I enjoyed the duality of the little boy and the fully grown serial killer. It touches on child abuse in a strange and real way. It’s understandable how the child could think, “If only I were bigger/stronger/older, I could save myself…” So, in death, he does just that. He becomes older and stronger to gain control and agency over situations that he had no prior agency in. As his larger and more blue-collared entity, he can make sure is safe – from everyone.
It is an idealized state of projection of what a small child would imagine what strength and power is.
And for this schlock of a movie to have that kind of depth and empathy…well, it might just be a happy coincidence. But I’m going to take it at face value and call congratulations to making a complex and well-developed killer in the midst of 80’s serial killer mania.
Just, let’s maybe send in J-Lo or Bruce Willis to help the poor ghost kid.
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Bottomline:
If you enjoy movies that can only be found on an unmarked VHS tape from a shady estate sale, then this is your jam, my friend.
(3.5 / 5)
**Footnote: I just got through this whole review without mentioning Peter Gabriel, I’ll take my praise and adoration in the comments, thank you.**
When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason.
Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.
We’ve reached the final episode of American Horror Stories, season three. After the ups and downs of the season, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that we were due a big finish, Killer Queens. But I feared we were in for a big letdown.
As it turns out, The Thing Under The Bed was neither.
The story
We begin our story with a little girl named Mary, who is scared of something under her bed. She sneaks out of her room, only to be caught by her father and sent back to sleep. And of course, there is something horrible waiting for her under her bed.
This scene cuts away to a woman named Jillian. She has strange dreams, including one about Mary. But her husband, Mark, doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s only interested in a little lovemaking because he wants a baby. Jillian doesn’t, which makes total sense because she’s already married to one. But her irritation with her childish husband goes away when he goes away. And by goes away, I mean he’s sloppily devoured by something vicious under their bed.
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What worked
In short, this episode just worked. The acting was professional and believable. The cinematography and lighting work were wonderful, adding spooky effects and startling moments without impairing visibility.
Best of all, the story was solid. There were no plotholes to be found. Our main character, Jillian, was relatable and sympathetic.
This was maybe my favorite part of the story. I thought Jillian was a remarkably sympathetic character. She was dealt a hand she never asked for, having her husband slaughtered in their bedroom. I don’t think she missed him, so much as she was afraid of the legal ramifications of being caught with literal blood on her hands.
Then, when it would have been safest for her to just lay low and save up for a good defense attorney, she instead goes into unlikely hero mode. She does her best to save people, putting herself in legal and physical danger. It’s hard not to root for her.
It’s also a little hard not to root for the antagonist, too. I don’t want to ruin the twist for you, so I’m going to tread lightly here. But it’s great when you have an antagonist who might be off their rocker, but also maybe has a point.
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What didn’t work
I can only really think of one complaint with this episode. And that is how frequently one character says the word Chickadee. And if you’ve seen the episode, you know what I am talking about.
I get it, he has a pet name for his daughter. It’s adorable. It’s meant to convey that the two of them have a healthy loving relationship and I get it. We all get it. Blind monks get it. But the fact remains that no parent on Earth calls their kid by their pet name every single time they speak an individual sentence to them. It was just too damn much.
All in all, this was a good episode. It was a classic story, turned on its head, told by professionals from start to finish. And I hope that if there is another season, we see more stories like this one. But after the efforts put into this season at large, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last we see of American Horror Stories.
If you’ve watched enough short-form horror anthology shows, you’ll notice that some stories are mainstays. Each show seems to put on the same sort of episodes, with the occasional surprising storyline that we’ve never (or at least rarely) seen before.
Leprechaun was an example of a repeated story—the story of a greedy thief whose punishment far outweighs the crime.
The story
We begin our story in 1841, with a drunk man leaving the bar one late night. He’s distracted by something glowing at the end of the well. When he reaches down for the glowing thing, he falls in. Moments later, he screams.
We then cut to the modern day. The well is still there, and now it’s surrounded by a dying town. In this town lives a young man named Colin. He’s married, his wife is pregnant, and he’s out of work. Like many of his friends.
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Desperate for cash, Colin and his friends decide to rob a bank. They put together an Equate version of Ocean’s Eleven, and break in one night. But, of course, they find that the gold is nothing more than bait. And the creature waiting for them is something they never expected.
What worked
The first thing I want to point out is how real this episode felt. At least to anyone currently living in the same small town they grew up in. These characters felt like guys I went to school with. Guys I would see at the bar.
I appreciated the real anger and frustration these characters are feeling. Especially Colin. He’s bitter, and maybe he has a right to be. He did exactly what he was supposed to do to succeed. He went to school and invested in his career, and yet now he’s out of work and struggling to support his family. I probably don’t need to tell you how that feels. Because of this, we can all kind of understand why he was tempted to rob a bank.
I also want to talk about the fact that this was, as I said, an often-explored story. That can be a bad thing, but it can also be a good thing. This story is told over and over because it’s a good story. A relatable story. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
What didn’t work
That being said, this version didn’t try to do much to break out of the mold.
Because we have seen this story so many times, most of us could tell the story themselves. I would have expected something new, or some twist. But, in the end, the story didn’t bring anything new to the discussion.
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Maybe because of this, the ending left a lot to be desired. Trapped in the basement of the bank, everyone just sort of stares at everyone else, until the thieves give up. And that’s it. The ending wasn’t scary, shocking, or funny. It was just sad, on multiple levels.
Overall, this was an okay story. It was entertaining, if not surprising. I would compare this episode to homemade macaroni and cheese. Everyone’s got their own version, they’re all pretty good, and none of them are exciting.
There’s just one episode left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope they’ve saved the best for last.
We begin our story late at night, with a hospital security guard named Malcolm. He is frightened one night when he sees a woman with a distorted face in the hospital parking lot.
We then joined an RN named Claire. She’s doing her best to explain to a struggling mother that the hospital will not be able to treat her son with cancer because she can’t afford the treatment.
Not like she’s happy about it.
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Fortunately, Dr. Nostrum, played by the legend Henry Winkler, swoops in at the last moment to tell the mother that her son qualifies for a special place in his cancer treatment clinic.
Claire is lamenting the fact that she became an RN to help people, but it feels like she isn’t doing anything good. Then, she and her friend Lilly stumble upon the same woman who menaced Malcom the night before.
While Claire is trying to figure out what’s wrong with this woman, she brutally slaughters an orderly and vanishes into the hospital. But not before struggling to say two words to Claire. Ward X.
What worked
I want to start by praising the effects of this episode. Because they were fantastic. Aided by the black and white filming, the bloody and distorted faces of Alice and her fellow victims are nightmarish. They look like a horrific version of Lockjaw taken to a terrifying extreme.
I also want to discuss the fantastic work of Henry Winkler. He is an absolute legend and never has a bad project.
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Winkler’s character in this episode was exactly what we’d expect from him. He seems genuinely warm and kind, concerned about others’ well-being. Even when he’s planning to kill Claire, he comes off as such a caring guy.
Finally, I want to talk about the historical significance of this story. Because, like I always say, the scariest stories are the ones based on truth. And I’m sorry to say, this story has a basis in truth.
Mankind has a dark and twisted history when it comes to medical advances. Most doctors and scientists are good, moral people who abide by the first line of the Hippocratic oath, to first do no harm. Some, historically, are little more than monsters in white coats. Consider the Tuskegee Experiment, Unit 731, and the horrific acts of Josef Mengele. If you’re going to look up that middle one, be warned that it is NSFL.
While this episode of American Horror Stories was a work of fiction, it wasn’t that far off. I don’t think many of us want to admit how close to real life it was. This is the gift of good horror, to force us to come face to face with the worst aspects of humanity. To acknowledge them, accept them, and change them.
All in all, this was a perfect episode. The acting, the effects and the story were all top-shelf. And it’s certainly a story that will stick with you.
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There are just two episodes left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope that they reach closer to the quality of X, and away from the dull and dismal episodes that began the second half of this season.
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