LTD: Family Seeking Pandemic Puppy Accidentally Adopts Werewolf
MUNCIE, IN — A local family was surprised recently when the puppy they brought home was revealed to be a werewolf. Jason Miller, father of two, discussed the situation with the media this week. “My kids were begging me for a puppy because all their friends got one during quarantine. My daughter wanted a French bulldog like she saw on Instagram, but there was no way I was gonna spend $5,000 for a dog. So I figured we’d just go to the shelter and adopt one.”
There were no young puppies available at local shelters, so the Millers turned to Craigslist. “We found this guy out in the country that said he had a husky mix. He insisted we meet after dark, and he was acting super weird the whole time. But he only wanted 50 bucks, so it seemed like a good idea,” said Mr. Miller.
A magical pedigree
At mother Sara Miller’s insistence, the family decided to name the puppy “Lupin” after the lycanthropic Professor Lupin from the “Harry Potter” series. They had no idea how appropriate the name would turn out to be. “I’m totally a Gryffindor, so I wanted him to represent my house,” Mrs. Miller explained. “My kids say it’s weird to still be obsessed with Harry Potter in my 30’s, but they’re just a couple of muggles.”
From the moment they brought him home, the family realized there was something different about Lupin. “The guy said he was a husky mix, but he looked a lot more like a wolf,” Mr. Miller said. “I thought maybe he was half coyote or something. He had this super loud howl and these weird yellow eyes. When I took him outside, all the neighborhood dogs were scared of him. At first, I just thought he was a badass.”
That evening, the Millers began crate training. “We had this setup for him with a bed, toys, and everything. But he howled like crazy all night. I think he finally fell asleep somewhere around 5 a.m. When we went to let him out of his crate…well, that’s when things really got weird.”
That morning, the Millers found a small child, naked and surrounded by shredded dog toys, sleeping on the dog bed. “We freaked out,” Mrs. Miller said. “I thought some psycho broke into our house and left their kid. But when the boy woke up, we saw his yellow eyes. Then we started to put two and two together.”
Though initially terrified, the Millers soon accepted Lupin in his toddler form. “He’s really cute. He does a lot of the typical puppy stuff — chewing on things, digging in the trash, and peeing on the floor. But that isn’t all that different from when our son was little,” Mrs. Miller explained. Although Mr. Miller suggested they take Lupin to the authorities, the family had already become attached. “My kids still really wanted a puppy, and Sarah had been saying she wanted another baby for a while. So they eventually talked me into keeping him,” he said. “At first we told people he was my sister’s kid from out of state, but we looked into it and found that it’s actually not illegal to own a werewolf in Indiana.”
Though the Millers have to keep Lupin crated on nights with a full moon, he is otherwise a happy and healthy toddler. Lupin’s adopted mother says he loves rare burgers, hates cats, and throws a tantrum if Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band comes on the radio.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
-
Book Reviews6 days agoReview: Don’t Eat the Pie, Monique Asher’s delicious trope fest.
-
Movies n TV4 days agoAmerican Horror Stories, Leprechaun
-
Original Creations4 days ago
Religious Icons Revisited for the Second Second Coming
-
Movies n TV2 days ago
American Horror Stories, The Thing Under The Bed
Jennifer Weigel
March 14, 2021 at 8:42 pm
Perfect pandemic puppy…
Kristin
March 18, 2021 at 6:56 pm
Cheaper than a French bulldog!