Buffy the Vampire Slayer S1E1 “Welcome to the Hellmouth”
AKA Exposition and Witticisms
Who said romance is dead?
We kick off the great saga of Buffy with the lamest date ever – Welcome to the Hellmouth. A Sunnydale high school graduate of indeterminate recency has brought his petite blond friend to see the gym roof. Apparently the petite blond agrees that this is lame, because she gets all snarly and attacks.
Credits: Howling! Guitars! Cheerleaders! Potions! Stakes! Dancing! Hero formations!
Maybe high school is the real Hellmouth
Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) wakes up from a cryptic nightmare. If the boxes in her bedroom weren’t expository enough, her mother’s urging to not be late to (or get kicked out on) her first day at her new school lets us know she is new in town.
Meanwhile, a teenage boy is clinging for dear life on a skateboard he evidently got that day. This is Xander (Nicholas Brendon) friend to Willow (Alyson Hannigan), resident nerd. She agrees to help him with his trig and suggests he pick up a specific text in the library, “where the books live.” Xander and pal Jesse say the phrase “new girl” back and forth in increasingly distressing ways.
Buffy meets with Principal Flutie (you can call him Bob, but should you?). He desperately wants to give her a clean slate, but he backtracks pretty quickly after learning that her expulsion was the result of burning down a gym that was full of totally not-vampires.
As Buffy is leaving the office, she quite literally runs into Xander. He helps her pick up the spilled contents of her bag with all the goofy charm he can muster. So much charm, in fact, that she forgets her wooden stake.
In class Cordelia (Charisma Carpenter) shares a textbook and many Sunnydale social insights with Buffy, including the need to identify losers on sight. She invites her to The Bronze that night shortly after insulting Willow’s dress – a bold move in lime green pants, Miss Chase.
Slay it ain’t so
In a suspiciously ornate library a suspiciously British librarian named Mr. Giles (Anthony Stewart Head) thrusts a book labelled VAMPYR toward Buffy. But Buffy hates archaic spellings so she quickly leaves.
Since her plan to acquire textbooks has fallen through, Buffy seeks out the tutelage of one very confused Willow. Xander tries to be way too witty (aside from his “tiny fences” joke he makes when returning her stake. I’ll give you credit for that, X). Cordelia runs up to let Buffy know that gym is cancelled due to the dead guy in someone’s locker. Buffy responds in the totally normal fashion of asking if he had holes in his neck and was drained of blood.
Cordelia does not have that information, so Buffy makes easy work of tearing off the gym door and checking out the scene for herself. After confirming her fears re: vamps, she has it out with Giles. He lectures her about her sacred duty as Slayer, his sacred duty as Watcher, and the extra-supernatural nature of Sunnydale. Buffy is well aware of her responsibilities. She is also aware that it is a lonely life. Slaying meant to be a secret identity situation, a la Bruce Wayne/Batman. Too bad Xander was in the stacks and overheard the whole thing.
We quickly cut to a super dramatic, quasi-religious underground monologue given by a very large vampire.
Proper socialization
Then we are back to Buffy. She is struggling to pick out an outfit for tonight, a task she was good at once upon a Slayer-free high school experience. Her mother is trying very hard to remain positive about their move.
On her way to The Bronze, she senses she is being followed. She does this slick little handstand maneuver to turn the tables on her pursuer. He calls himself a friend (but not hers), refers to Sunnydale as the “mouth of hell,” and warns of a harvest. Oh, and he gives her a cross necklace.
[At this point, omnipotent as I am, I warned my first-time viewer husband Trav that this is the least dramatic we will ever see this character. He does not believe this can be possible.]
At The Bronze Buffy and Willow get to know each other a little. Willow details her friendship with Xander (he once stole her Barbie). She also describes her difficulty speaking in front of most guys. Buffy gives her the most generic carpe diem life advice ever. The she spots Giles and excuses herself to confront him.
[Trav cannot emphasize enough how distressed he is that Giles is hanging out at this teenage club.]
Buffy gets out some interesting insults, including “skanky” and “textbook with arms” (only one of which is appropriate for a librarian, and I’m not elaborating on which). At the same time, Giles chides her on not honing her Spidey Slayer senses to locate the vampires that are definitely in this club. She wins the argument with a fashion technicality. But this is a short-lived victory, because she sees that the vampire she spotted is leading Willow outside. Buffy tries to intervene but only succeeds in nearly staking Cordelia, who now officially hates her. We see that at that moment Jesse is talking to our petite blond vampire from the beginning, Darla (Julie Benz).
The “why” in Vampyr
Back underground our monologuing vampire, Luke, is monologuing a much uglier vampire out of a red hot tub. This is the Master. He is 1) apparently trapped underground by a mystical forcefield and 2) very hangry. MonoLuke informs him that Thomas and Darla are out hunting for him now.
On her way to save the day, Buffy runs into Xander. He fesses up to eavesdropping in the library earlier. He then insists on helping her help his friends. Darla, Thomas, and their “dates” have wound up in a mausoleum. Jesse is slightly paler than before because Darla had a nibble on the way over. When Buffy and Xander arrive at the scene, Buffy stakes Thomas. He disappears in a cloud-of-dust effect that I will give due credit to for it being 1997. While she fights Darla, Xander and Willow carry Jesse out only to be surrounded by more vampires. In the mausoleum, a new player has entered. He throws Buffy into a coffin and MonoLukes his way all the way to a “To be continued” card.
I asked Trav for a one-sentence review for this episode: “All I can think about is how creepy the librarian is coming across.”
Welcome to the Hellmouth is a fairly pilot-y pilot, what with the exposition, but it’s pretty dang fun and sets you up for action, fun dialogue, and the hope that that SFX will improve along with way. 
(2.5 / 5)
Where to watch Welcome to the Hellmouth (sponsored links!)
The finale of American Horror Story Delicate aired last night. And if you were watching along with us on Threads, then you already know that it didn’t live up to any of my expectations.
Let’s discuss.
The story
We begin with Anna being ushered off stage and into an ambulance. Dex is there because Siobhan called him.
Once in the ambulance, though, the blood starts to spill. And it’s not just Anna’s. She soon finds herself in the clutches of the coven, giving birth in the most anxiety-inducing place possible. And when the baby is born, he’s taken away at once.
Because that’s the agreement that Anna made, without fully realizing what she was agreeing to.
If Anna’s going to get her baby back, she’s going to have to make another sacrifice. She is going to have to join the coven herself. Is she strong enough to do it? Is she strong enough to raise a monster?
What worked
This episode did have some fun elements. As a practicing witch myself, I appreciate the addition of Hestia in a positive light. Especially when this season was so focused on motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood, Hestia was a lovely goddess to include.
For those who don’t know, Hestia is a goddess of the home and hearth, but not a maternal goddess. She was, in fact, a virgin goddess. So Adeline’s devotion to her made sense in a real-world witchcraft way. Adeline was supposed to be a symbol of female love and support. Including Hestia in this made that crystal clear.
This was made most clear with the behavior of Siobhan. She was a perfect example of a toxic person who uses sisterhood to use and manipulate others. This can be seen clearly in the flashback that begins this episode. We see Siobhan show kindness to Anna, who she wants to use while being cruel to the woman who shared her story at the start of the meeting. For Siobhan, kindness is a currency she spends to get something. And that is clear.
What didn’t work
Sadly, those two elements weren’t enough to save this episode. My first concern is that this ending had more holes in it than Swiss cheese.
This wasn’t just a matter of having questions left after the ending. These were elements that we should have seen and just didn’t. Why were the witches diluting and working with blood near the end of the episode? Why didn’t Dex Senior get what was coming to him? What the hell was with those pointed green heels? My largest question, however, is this.
Did Anna imagine all of this? Did any of it happen? We don’t know. Consider the ending. I don’t want to spoil too much of this, so I’ll only point out Anna’s gown. It’s bloody in one scene and newly clean the next. This is only the example I can share without spoiling the ending. But we have no proof that any of these things happened to her.
While it’s fine to leave some questions up to the viewer, there were too many here. Rather than feeling mysterious, it just felt incomplete. And seeing as how this episode was much shorter than a standard one, this could have easily been corrected.
I would also like to hold some space for how this season ruined the good message of the book Delicate Condition. This novel was bloody, gory, and disturbing. But it also had a beautiful message about sisterhood, and women supporting women through motherhood, career choices, and life in general. There is so much pure, sisterly love in that book.
This is entirely missing from this season. It’s often turned on its head, with women betraying each other for their own selfish desires. And honestly, I hated that.
Finally, this season finale is another example of an ending ruining a good season. AHS Delicate wasn’t without its charm. Some episodes were great fun. There were elements that I truly enjoyed as a horror fan, a witch and a woman. But this ending just soured everything good about the season. It spoiled all of the enjoyment I had. Much like Sabrina, Dexter, and the podcast Dolores Roach, the ending ruined everything that came before it.
In the end, this finale was disappointing. It didn’t deliver on its promises, it did a disservice to the source material, and it was poorly executed. This series is more than capable of better. Delicate Condition, the novel, deserved a better interpretation.
However, as a long-time fan, I can honestly say that in twelve years of content, I have genuinely disliked a season and a half of American Horror Story. This one, and the second half of Double Feature. So while AHS Delicate was a disappointment, I am looking forward to season thirteen. In the meantime, I’m going to rewatch Coven and look forward to better stories to come.
(2 / 5)
Episode three of Amazon Prime’s Fallout continued the themes we’ve seen so far, with an added twist. With comedy and gore already blending, the story has added an air of tragic history for one of its least cuddly characters.
Let’s discuss.
The story
Our story starts with a flashback to before the bombs dropped. We see Coop, filming a movie. His wife is on set as well, and their adorable daughter. Coop has a comfortable life with a family he loves.
Isn’t that just a knife in the heart?
Back in the present, Lucy is traveling through the wastelands with the head of Wilzig. And she’s doing so with the same fear and joy that we’ve seen from her so far. Until that is, she runs into a Gulper. And after eating a defenseless deer, it swallowed up the head.
Eventually, The Ghoul catches up with Lucy and decides to capture her. After using her as bait, he decides to drag her along with him.
Meanwhile, Maximus gets a message from the Brotherhood of Steel. Rather than coming clean, he claims to be Knight Titus and is accidentally sent a new Squire. That squire is Thaddeus, one of Maximus’s bullies from the base. And Maximus wastes no time in taking some sweet, sweet revenge.
Finally, we return to Vault 33. The vault is healing from the Raider attack and the loss of Lucy. Norm and Chet are being punished for letting Lucy leave, by being fired from their jobs. This throws Chet because he had a cool job.
Norm, on the other hand, didn’t like his job. He didn’t like any job. So, since this is the only way anyone gets punishments in the vault, he’s given the task of feeding the Raiders.
And talking to the Raiders was maybe not a healthy thing for Norm to be doing. He might learn something he didn’t want to know.
What worked
The first thing I have to talk about is the massive creature called The Gulper.
This thing was fascinating. It was voracious, fast, and horrifying to look like. It was like a giant axolotl from Hell, with human fingers lining its whole mouth and throat. Why did it need fingers lining its mouth and throat? The better to drag someone down its throat and into its stomach. And the better to drag itself into my nightmares. This creature was well done.
On the flip side of this, I love the fact that the people of Vault 33 are so kind. They’re so willing to forgive, willing to care for their fellow man even when their fellow man is trying to kill them.
I don’t trust it, to be clear. But the perceived kindness from these people is uplifting. And I’m sure it will make whatever is going to eventually happen to them all the worse.
Of course, I can’t talk about the goodness of the vault dwellers without talking about the absolute horribleness of The Ghoul. The Ghoul is not a good person. He is cruel, and selfish, and clearly dislikes Lucy for some reason we do not yet know, and is probably not her fault.
But we kind of understand how he got that way, don’t we? During the flashbacks, we see that he’s lost his wife and daughter. We also see that he was used as a mascot for the very company that created the vaults. And, while we don’t have any concrete proof yet, we can probably guess that these are not the good guys. Even if we haven’t played the games, anyone who’s even slightly genre-savvy can already guess that.
Which is the last thing I want to bring up here.
We know something stinks with the vaults. Something beyond the obvious issues of wealth disparities and the people left outside to die while those who could afford a Vault spot were saved. Something is rotten with the vaults, we all know this. What we don’t know is what form this rot will take.
Not yet.
What didn’t work
Now, I wish I could say this was a perfect episode. But sadly, it wasn’t. And my biggest issue with the episode is with the character Maximus.
Now, I love Maximus. He wants to do good things in the world. He’s the underdog, and who doesn’t love that? He’s honorable and believes in the organization he belongs to.
I don’t love that he cannot do anything right. It feels like he wins fights by falling over and tripping into succeeding. And this character deserves so much more than that. Can we please, just once, see him be good at something or make a sound decision?
All that being said, this was still a fun episode. It was funny and bright, with an ominous feel and a horrific finger-ridden monster. I had a great time with it.
(4 / 5)
Last night’s episode of American Horror Story Delicate was wild. From its star-studded start to its powerfully quiet finish, I was enthralled through every moment.
Let’s discuss.
The story
We begin this episode at the funeral of Dex’s mom. While he’s giving a eulogy, which was very nice, Ms. Preecher walks in. She shouts to the room that Virginia didn’t commit suicide, she was murdered. She also tells Dex to listen to his wife.
What a concept!
Touched by this, or maybe just curious, Anna goes to the hospital to check on Preecher. She falls asleep at the hospital. When she wakes up, Preecher is gone. A nurse says that she was discharged to a group of women.
While at the hospital, Anna also discovers that she’s been nominated for best actress.
At a publicity event for the awards, Anna runs into Cora. And she sees the coat she remembers from her late-night visit near the start of her pregnancy.
With the slightest amount of pressure, Cora spills it all. She and Dex have been having an affair, and Cora was trying to sabotage Anna’s pregnancy. So Anna, channeling her inner Madison Montgomery, kicks him out and heads to the awards ceremony with Siobhan.
There, Siobhan asks her if she wants an Oscar more than anything. If she’d be willing to give up anything for it.
And Anna says yes.
The bargain is then sealed with a kiss.
What worked
I’d like to begin, paradoxically, at the end of the episode. We’ve seen Anna have some terrible, loud, frightening hallucinations in this season. At least, we assume they’re hallucinations. But this one wasn’t loud. It was, in fact, very quiet. Anna is led off stage, without a word, leaving nothing but a puddle of blood behind.
In horror, like in all art, the notes you don’t play are as important as the ones you do. And the notes that weren’t played her rang like a bell.
I also appreciated that this episode describes why being a celebrity would be a huge pain in the ass. Imagine going to an event where the whole purpose is for people to take pictures of you while holding their product. Imagine if they invaded your personal space, sprayed things on you, put things over your eyes, and you were expected to smile and pose.
I don’t know what it is about being a celebrity that makes others feel entitled to a person. To talk with them, take their time, and share in their moments. To touch them without consent. Yes, there are way worse things happening to people. But this isn’t a great way to live. It’s no wonder so many of them go nuts. This is most clearly shown in the scene when Anna is sitting next to Preecher’s bed. She wakes up to find the older woman gone. But all anyone wants to talk about is how she was just nominated for an Oscar. At that moment, she doesn’t give a damn. She cares about this kind woman, and where she’s gone. Just like any other person.
Finally, I appreciated that this season didn’t do what so many AHS seasons do. Which is to say that this episode didn’t feel like the last episode. It felt like the penultimate episode. It felt like there was still more story to tell, not just loose ends to be wrapped up. I appreciate that the writers have finally learned that lesson.
For this season, at least.
What didn’t work
The first thing that bothered me in this episode was Cora’s confession. I said something about this during our live-watch event on Threads. (Join us next week for the finale. Bring popcorn and wine.)
I don’t believe Cora’s confession. I further don’t believe that she just dumped all of this incriminating info on Anna with no more prompting than a wide-eyed look. There was just no reason for it. So, Anna saw her coat? Lots of people have similar coats. This feels fake, and she brought no receipts.
I also found Siobhan’s behavior confusing. At times she seems genuinely concerned for Anna’s wellbeing. At other times, she is more than willing to let her suffer and risk her pregnancy.
While this has been going on all season, it was happening every few minutes in this one. Either Siobhan cares about the welfare of that fetus, or she doesn’t. But she needs to pick a lane.
All in all, I don’t know what to expect from next week’s season finale. Anna has her Oscar, but now she might lose her baby. She might also get sucked into some horrible cult and experience a bad death. We won’t know until next week.
See you then.
(4 / 5)
