Connect with us

Published

on

AKA: How to know when you’ve found The (Anointed) One

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Anointed One

We open with Buffy fighting a vampire (no, not the titular Anointed One).  She’s quippy, cute, and living her best life.  Oh, and kicking undead butt.  That doesn’t stop Giles – who has been sitting on the sidelines and NOT HELPING – from critiquing her.

Giles ruins Buffy's plans with prophecies of an Anointed One
Ever heard of a compliment sandwich, Giles? (credit: IMDb)

They find a ring in the pile of vamp dust.  Oooh, a mystery!

Underground, the Master provides CliffsNotes for this week’s episode:  there’s an Anointed One who will rise from the ashes of five.  The Slayer will not know him and he will lead her into hell.

Sir, this is a library

In the library Giles has already deciphered the runes on the ring.  They symbolize the Order of Aurelius.  The Scoobies don’t get to talk about this for too long, though, because a student comes into the library.  That’s right folks:  the Sunnydale High library is open to the rest of the student body. Meet Owen: he loves Emily Dickinson and flirts by telling girls he didn’t think they could read.  Negging is evidently in this week, because Buffy is smitten.

At lunch, our trio discuss Owen and slaying – I mean laying (good recovery, Xander).  Buffy and Cordelia simultaneously spot Owen sitting alone and go for it.  Hot take:  they’re both too good for him.  He’s only got eyes for Buffy, though.  He invites her to The Bronze that night – right in front of Cordy.  Surely she won’t use that information to her advantage.

Advertisement

Best laid plans

Giles has intel regarding the Order of Aurelius.  There’s an Anointed One who, according to Giles’s research, is rising tonight.  Buffy is forced to cancel her plans with Owen and sit in a more-dead-than-usual graveyard with Giles as he lectures her about her duty as Slayer.  Since the rising of the Anointed One didn’t pan out, Buffy is free to head to the Bronze.  When she gets there she sees Owen and Cordy dancing together.  She promptly turns around and leaves.

Meanwhile, we see a typical Greyhound ride unfolding.  A guy is pacing up and down the aisle monologuing as the rest of passengers stare ahead, eyes glazed over.  One of the Master’s minions stands in the road and causes a crash.  Once the bus stops he hops aboard and presumably does some vampirin’.  

In the hall the next day, Buffy and Xander talk about Buffy’s insecurity over her singleness.  Attuned to her self-consciousness Owen walks over.  Buffy gives an obvious yet cute story about missing their date due to a broken watch, so he gives her his.  Then teaches her how to tell time.  He’s seriously making me wish we got more Xander this episode.

Buffy informs Giles of her plans that night and leaves before he can say boo.

Willow and Xander help Buffy pick out an outfit for her makeup date, and Xander is already making me eat my words.  He calls her lipstick slutty and actually peaks at her getting dressed in the mirror.  What is it with the men in this episode?

Advertisement

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Giles shows up with a newspaper article that absurdly refers to the bus crash as a van crash.  Five people died in the wreck, one of whom being the preachy Andrew Borba, a wanted killer.  Andrew seems to be a good fit as Anointed One. Giles wants to investigate the funeral home and lecture Buffy about her social life some more.  Owen shows up during their back and forth, amazed and frightened at Giles’s supposed dedication to his job.  Buffy departs with Owen and the advice that, “if the apocalypse comes beep me.”  

Giles decides he still wants to investigate, and Willow and Xander, fully aware of how many times he’s been knocked out already this season, opt to follow.  This is a good call because he is immediately accosted by some vampires.  He gets away, but ends up stuck in one of the funeral home rooms.  Willow and Xander peak through a window and offer to go get Buffy,

At The Bronze, Owen confesses that it seems like there’s two Buffys.  He isn’t entirely wrong.  In addition to having to fend off a crimp-haired Cordelia, she is now having to explain Angel, Willow, and Xander’s appearances.  As far as Owen knows Buffy and Angel are coworkers and Willow and Xander are a couple looking to double.  (In reality, Angel is warning Buffy about the Anointed One and Willow and Xander are trying to get her to the funeral home.)  Owen takes it like a champ when Buffy says she is going to duck out real quick.  It doesn’t hurt that she also plants one right on him to tide him over.

Going from finding “the one” to finding the Anointed One

When the trio arrives to the funeral home they discover Owen has followed them.  Buffy puts Willow and Xander on Owen duty while she goes to rescue Giles.  Giles, of course, reprimands Buffy for bringing Owen there (dude, give her the benefit of doubt once in a while).  Buffy says the two of them are free to search for the Anointed One because Willow, Xander, and Owen are safely tucked away in an office.

Little does she know, Andrew’s body is in the office her friends and date have barricaded themselves in.  To make matters worse, he is going all Re-Animator.  Even worse: he is singing and shouting such nonsense as “pork and beans.”  Buffy and Giles break in so those three can get out.  However, Owen decides to white knight the situation and comes back to “protect” Buffy.  He immediately gets knocked out.

Advertisement

Buffy fights Vampdrew and uses the setting to her advantage by shoving him into the incinerator.  Willow and Xander walk a very concussed Owen home.

The next day Buffy is bemoaning the social damage caused by their date.  Owen, however, wants to go out again.  But not out-out.  He wants to live on the edge with Buffy as his personal bodyguard.  Buffy realizes he’ll end up getting himself killed and lets him down gently.

It’s never the end

Giles finally shows some compassion to the 16 year old and tell her he learned of his Watcher destiny at ten years old.  They commiserate then celebrate the sunny side of the situation:  the Anointed One is taken care of.

The Master repeats his opening monologue as we see the face of one very, very young newly Anointed child.

The Hellmouth's own Anointed One
Anoint her? I hardly know her!

Trav’s one sentence review: Angel wasn’t cryptic, which was surprising, and I couldn’t figure out Owen.

I really like this episode. It’s a fun episode with a bit of farce. The storyline is self-contained but still pushes the seasonal arc and character progression forward. It’s promising for the rest of the first season. 5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

Advertisement

Where to watch Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (sponsored links)

Movies n TV

Silent Night, Bloody Night is A Bloody Waste of A Christmas Horror Movie

Published

on

There are a lot of holiday horrors with the phrase Silent Night in their title. So, to help keep things straight, Silent Night Bloody Night is the one that no one should waste their time watching.

The story

Released in 1972, Silent Night Bloody Night is the story of an abandoned house. When it’s inherited by a man named Jeffrey Butler, the town tries to buy it from him. He sends his lawyer, John Carter, to negotiate. What follows is a Christmas-time revenge killing spree in the house that used to be an insane asylum and is now just a gross eyesore. Much like in Halloween, a prodigal son came home and started killing. Unlike in Halloween, viewers can’t bring themselves to care.

What worked

I would like to give credit where it’s due when I can find it. There were some legitimately creepy scenes in this movie. Two of them, to be precise.

Mary Woronov and James Patterson in Silent Night, Bloody Night.

The shots of the escaped inmates are well done. The makeup, dull facial expressions, and zombie-like movements were truly unnerving. In what is maybe the only well done scene in the whole movie, an inmate walks into the dining room and slowly drains a glass of wine. He then breaks the glass and uses the broken piece to rip out a doctor’s eye.

Advertisement

I also enjoyed or was at least unnerved by, the phone calls the killer makes from the house. They were great little eerie moments.

What didn’t work

I first need to point out that the production value of this movie is ass. I’m sure I could have shot a better movie on a Tamagotchi.

The whole thing is grainy, dark and dull. Even scenes with bright colors have all the brightness of a mechanics wash rag. And there are parts where the physical film was corrupted, leaving big black splotches.

Maybe I’m being too hard on it. I mean it was released in 1972. It’s not like they had access to advanced filming equipment. Like, for instance, The Godfather or Deliverance.

Oh, wait. Both those films also came out in 1972. And they sure as hell don’t look like this. Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and Twelve Chairs came out the year before and they look great.

Advertisement

Granted, those films were preserved, digitized, and treated like the works of art they are. Silent Night, Bloody Night was apparently kept near a furnace, in the hopes that it might catch fire and never trouble anyone again.

Mary Woronov in Silent Night, Bloody Night.

None of that would matter, though, if the movie was any good. But it’s not. Let’s start with the voiceovers because that’s what the movie starts with.

Voiceovers are great when they add context or interesting commentary. A Christmas Story has voiceovers through the whole thing, and that’s great. This commentary, however, is a cautionary tale against telling not showing. It fails to be interesting or give additional information. It’s just bad.

What bothered me most is that not one shred of joy seems to have gone into this film. Unlike Mercy Christmas, which we talked about last week, nobody is having a good time.

The music is morose rather than eerie. The acting is lazy and half-hearted. Even in the most dramatic scenes, everyone delivers their lines like they’re reading off a list of instructions to build something they don’t care about building. And the effects are just horrific. We don’t see a single blow in any of the fight scenes. We see people wincing in pain, and weapons being raised. And that is it.

Advertisement

I suppose we might say this is to stave off the censors. But my God, that’s not what a Christmas horror movie is for. And it still has an R rating, even though we see neither boobies nor an axe biting into flesh. If you’re going to get stuck with the R rating, earn it.

Overall, Silent Night Bloody Night was devoid of anything joyful. It wasn’t fun to watch, it didn’t leave me with anything to ponder or savor. It was just a bad movie, from start to finish. 1 out of 5 stars (1 / 5)

Continue Reading

Movies n TV

Mercy Christmas is a horrible, delicious Christmas horror movie

Published

on

Christmas time is here! It’s time to listen to the same five songs until your ears bleed, spend time with people you’d fake your own death to avoid the rest of the year and stuff yourself with way too much food. And, it’s time for my favorite holiday tradition, watching horrible Christmas movies to tell you all exactly how god-awful they are. Let’s start with Mercy Christmas, a film about a family with a unique set of holiday traditions. And, a unique holiday menu.

The story

Our main character is named Michael Briskett. He’s a lonely man working a dull job with an abusive boss. But he’s doing his best to have a good Christmas. He even throws a party for everyone at his work.

No one shows up, though, except for the boss’s beautify assistant, Cindy. Together they have some drinks, and eventually, she invites him to her family’s Christmas celebration.

Personally, if a woman that beautiful had asked me out, I’d assume she thought I had money. But poor Michael is so swept up in being included that he jumps on the chance.

Advertisement

When he arrives at the family home of the Robillards, he finds two nasty surprises waiting. The first is that Cindy’s brother is Andy, his horrible boss. The second is that the family intends to eat him and three other people throughout Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.

After that is, Michael finishes up a work project for Andy. Because it’s not bad enough that he will be eaten, he also has to work over Christmas.

Casey O'Keefe in Mercy Christmas.

What worked

There are two kinds of bad Christmas movies. The ones that are actually bad, like Gingerdead Man, and the ones that are bad in all the wonderfully right ways that make them a real holiday treat. Mercy Christmas was one of the latter.

First, no one is taking a single second of this seriously. The writers sure didn’t, when they wrote a scene in which Michael and Eddie are tied together by Christmas tree lights to battle the Robillards. The actors didn’t. Half the time you can see them holding back a mighty laugh with all of their might. The stunt coordinators, the costume department, and the effects team were all doing their very best to make this movie as hilarious as possible. Because at every moment, every detail was selected to be funny and festive rather than serious. Cindy wearing a cross to church service. The pineapple on the roast leg. Grandma insisting that they do stockings at her specific time, as though they haven’t got three strangers tied up in the basement. All of this was funny as hell, exactly as it was supposed to be.

Steven Hubbell and  D.J. Hale in Mercy Christmas.

Every single person involved with Mercy Christmas was having a fantastic time. As I mentioned, the whole cast felt like they were about to start laughing. There is so much joy in their faces, even when it’s not exactly a joyful scene. But it’s the attention to comical detail that makes it clear that this movie was a labor of love for everybody.

Finally, I adore that the Robillard family acts exactly how we all picture people behaving at a big family Christmas. At least, if the family has money. Everyone’s arguing over food, talking about how they miss their mom, and fussing at each other. But everyone is also doing their little part to make Christmas great for their family after suffering the loss of their beloved mom.

Advertisement

If they weren’t eating people, this could have been a Hallmark Christmas movie.

What didn’t work

All of that being said, there was one thing that bothered me about this movie.

Over and over, we come back to the fact that Mrs. Robillard died. It’s brought up often enough that I thought for sure that it was going to be a bigger plot point. But it isn’t. That just seems to be window dressing for the family.

This felt like failed misdirection. When misdirection is done well, we don’t care about it anymore after the sleight of hand is accomplished. But there is no sleight of hand here. There is no misdirection. We’re just left wondering why the hell the mother was brought up so often if nothing was going to come of it.

All in all, Mercy Christmas was a fun, bloody movie with some incredibly satisfying moments. And while I don’t know if it’ll make it on my list every year, I can see myself coming back for seconds.

Advertisement

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

Continue Reading

Movies n TV

Low point or a daring experiment? Halloween VI (1995) Review

Published

on

To a lot of fans, this is the film that killed the franchise. It says a lot that the next installment is yet another retcon. Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers attempts to explain Michael’s unrelenting evil, which lead to mixed opinions from longtime fans. There are two cuts of the film, theatrical vs producer’s. For a lot of people, the latter is the only one worth mentioning. Aiming to be as accurate as possible, I will be talking about the producer’s cut. Let’s begin! 

Plot

We start Halloween VI with a six-year time jump from part five. Jamie is now barefoot and recently pregnant, running away from Michael as he wants her baby. While she manages to hide the little one away, Michael finally gets his hunger satiated by killing her. The moment is one of the most brutal ways in the franchise up until that point. Rest in peace, Jamie, you held your ground for as long as you could, the sequels were just too relentless. 

The movie then cuts to a whole different scene going on. We have a new family living in the Myers house and their youngest child is hearing voices telling him to kill his loved ones. Tommy Lloyd is watching the family, played by none other than Paul Rudd in his first-ever theatrical role. Tommy still carries trauma from the events all those years ago when Laurie Strode was babysitting him. So when he finds Jamie’s baby, his part in the story becomes even more essential. 

Advertisement

Dr Loomis also stars in what was Donald Pleasance’s final role before his passing. He and Tommy try to stop Michael once and for all before the cycle can repeat itself. As it turns out, Michael is a victim of a druid cult which makes him want to kill his family members every Halloween. Thorn, the cult in question, thinks they can control Michael and make him do their bidding. This results in catastrophe and Michael goes berzerk and kills all the cult members. Once again, it’s one of the most gruesome montages for the franchise up until that point.  

Tommy and Kara are left to face Michael on their own which they manage to do with some corrosive liquid and good luck. However, nothing stays dead in this franchise as it’s soon revealed Michael somehow escaped and this time Dr Loomis might not be so lucky… 

Overall thoughts

I would say for me personally Halloween VI definitely ranks somewhere near the bottom. The whole point of Michael is that there is no rhyme or reason to his killings and this film tries to go against that. I am glad the mistake was rectified by the upcoming installment. There were still some good things about it, such as Paul Rudd’s acting that reveals some raw talent as far as I’m concerned, as well as some direction choices and musical score. However, I also think it absolutely deserves all the criticism that it gets. 

Advertisement
2.5 out of 5 stars (2.5 / 5)

Continue Reading

Trending