Buffy the Vampire Slayer S1E5: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
AKA: How to know when you’ve found The (Anointed) One
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Anointed One
We open with Buffy fighting a vampire (no, not the titular Anointed One). She’s quippy, cute, and living her best life. Oh, and kicking undead butt. That doesn’t stop Giles – who has been sitting on the sidelines and NOT HELPING – from critiquing her.
They find a ring in the pile of vamp dust. Oooh, a mystery!
Underground, the Master provides CliffsNotes for this week’s episode: there’s an Anointed One who will rise from the ashes of five. The Slayer will not know him and he will lead her into hell.
Sir, this is a library
In the library Giles has already deciphered the runes on the ring. They symbolize the Order of Aurelius. The Scoobies don’t get to talk about this for too long, though, because a student comes into the library. That’s right folks: the Sunnydale High library is open to the rest of the student body. Meet Owen: he loves Emily Dickinson and flirts by telling girls he didn’t think they could read. Negging is evidently in this week, because Buffy is smitten.
At lunch, our trio discuss Owen and slaying – I mean laying (good recovery, Xander). Buffy and Cordelia simultaneously spot Owen sitting alone and go for it. Hot take: they’re both too good for him. He’s only got eyes for Buffy, though. He invites her to The Bronze that night – right in front of Cordy. Surely she won’t use that information to her advantage.
Best laid plans
Giles has intel regarding the Order of Aurelius. There’s an Anointed One who, according to Giles’s research, is rising tonight. Buffy is forced to cancel her plans with Owen and sit in a more-dead-than-usual graveyard with Giles as he lectures her about her duty as Slayer. Since the rising of the Anointed One didn’t pan out, Buffy is free to head to the Bronze. When she gets there she sees Owen and Cordy dancing together. She promptly turns around and leaves.
Meanwhile, we see a typical Greyhound ride unfolding. A guy is pacing up and down the aisle monologuing as the rest of passengers stare ahead, eyes glazed over. One of the Master’s minions stands in the road and causes a crash. Once the bus stops he hops aboard and presumably does some vampirin’.
In the hall the next day, Buffy and Xander talk about Buffy’s insecurity over her singleness. Attuned to her self-consciousness Owen walks over. Buffy gives an obvious yet cute story about missing their date due to a broken watch, so he gives her his. Then teaches her how to tell time. He’s seriously making me wish we got more Xander this episode.
Buffy informs Giles of her plans that night and leaves before he can say boo.
Willow and Xander help Buffy pick out an outfit for her makeup date, and Xander is already making me eat my words. He calls her lipstick slutty and actually peaks at her getting dressed in the mirror. What is it with the men in this episode?
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Giles shows up with a newspaper article that absurdly refers to the bus crash as a van crash. Five people died in the wreck, one of whom being the preachy Andrew Borba, a wanted killer. Andrew seems to be a good fit as Anointed One. Giles wants to investigate the funeral home and lecture Buffy about her social life some more. Owen shows up during their back and forth, amazed and frightened at Giles’s supposed dedication to his job. Buffy departs with Owen and the advice that, “if the apocalypse comes beep me.”
Giles decides he still wants to investigate, and Willow and Xander, fully aware of how many times he’s been knocked out already this season, opt to follow. This is a good call because he is immediately accosted by some vampires. He gets away, but ends up stuck in one of the funeral home rooms. Willow and Xander peak through a window and offer to go get Buffy,
At The Bronze, Owen confesses that it seems like there’s two Buffys. He isn’t entirely wrong. In addition to having to fend off a crimp-haired Cordelia, she is now having to explain Angel, Willow, and Xander’s appearances. As far as Owen knows Buffy and Angel are coworkers and Willow and Xander are a couple looking to double. (In reality, Angel is warning Buffy about the Anointed One and Willow and Xander are trying to get her to the funeral home.) Owen takes it like a champ when Buffy says she is going to duck out real quick. It doesn’t hurt that she also plants one right on him to tide him over.
Going from finding “the one” to finding the Anointed One
When the trio arrives to the funeral home they discover Owen has followed them. Buffy puts Willow and Xander on Owen duty while she goes to rescue Giles. Giles, of course, reprimands Buffy for bringing Owen there (dude, give her the benefit of doubt once in a while). Buffy says the two of them are free to search for the Anointed One because Willow, Xander, and Owen are safely tucked away in an office.
Little does she know, Andrew’s body is in the office her friends and date have barricaded themselves in. To make matters worse, he is going all Re-Animator. Even worse: he is singing and shouting such nonsense as “pork and beans.” Buffy and Giles break in so those three can get out. However, Owen decides to white knight the situation and comes back to “protect” Buffy. He immediately gets knocked out.
Buffy fights Vampdrew and uses the setting to her advantage by shoving him into the incinerator. Willow and Xander walk a very concussed Owen home.
The next day Buffy is bemoaning the social damage caused by their date. Owen, however, wants to go out again. But not out-out. He wants to live on the edge with Buffy as his personal bodyguard. Buffy realizes he’ll end up getting himself killed and lets him down gently.
It’s never the end
Giles finally shows some compassion to the 16 year old and tell her he learned of his Watcher destiny at ten years old. They commiserate then celebrate the sunny side of the situation: the Anointed One is taken care of.
The Master repeats his opening monologue as we see the face of one very, very young newly Anointed child.
Trav’s one sentence review: Angel wasn’t cryptic, which was surprising, and I couldn’t figure out Owen.
I really like this episode. It’s a fun episode with a bit of farce. The storyline is self-contained but still pushes the seasonal arc and character progression forward. It’s promising for the rest of the first season. 
(5 / 5)
Where to watch Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (sponsored links)
Mutant family, please gather ’round as February kicks rocks and we shove our way into March. With the new month comes the shifting from winter to spring as death beautifully resurrects back to life, drunken patrons swarm our local bars like rabid locusts for St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, and of course new exclusives and returning favorites on Shudder to satisfy the horror fiend in us all. To quote the prestigious Samuel L. Jackson, “hold onto your butts” and let’s dive right into Shudder’s March 2023 release schedule.
Shudder Exclusives
While it is true that the release schedule for the start of 2023 on Shudder has been minor and slightly mixed, with films such as the much talked about experimental low-budget indie ‘Skinamarink‘, the surprisingly entertaining horror comedy ‘Sorry About the Demon‘, and writer/director Neil Marshall’s return to the genre with ‘The Lair‘. We also graciously received the wildly fun ‘The Last Drive-In: Joe Bob’s Vicious Vegas Valentine” special, with season 5 currently in production and premiering later this year; though it can’t come soon enough. As we like to do here at HauntedMTL, let’s kick off March with Shudder’s newest exclusives currently streaming now and in the coming weeks.
Spoonful of Sugar – Now Streaming
Starting off this list we begin with director Mercedes Bryce Morgan and writer Leah Saint Marie’s latest film ‘Spoonful of Sugar‘, now currently streaming.
Millicent (Morgan Saylor), a disturbed college student working on her thesis about children with severe allergies, is hired to babysit little Johnny (Danilo Crovetti), a sickly, mute child who suffers from every allergy under the sun. His mother Rebecca (Kate Foster) is an accomplished author currently focused on her newest book release, while his father Jacob (Myko Olivier) spends his days in the backyard working on frivolous carpentry projects. After experiencing a bizarre sexual awakening while using LSD as an alternative treatment for Johnny, she soon uncovers the family’s dark secrets as things begin to become unhinged.
Leave – Premiering Friday 3/17
After having been abandoned as an infant at a cemetery wrapped in a cloth with satanic symbols, Hunter White (Alicia von Rittberg) grows obsessed with figuring out who her biological parents are and why they seemingly abandoned her. However, as she gets closer to the answers she so desperately seeks, a malevolent spirit is warning her to leave.
‘Leave‘ premiers exclusively on Shudder Friday 03/17 and is directed by Alex Herron and written by Thomas Moldestad, starring Alicia von Rittberg, Herman Tømmeraas, Ellen Dorrit Petersen, and Stig R. Amda
The Unheard – Premiering Friday 03/31
‘The Unheard‘ follows the story of deaf 20-year-old Chloe Grayden (Lachlan Watson) after she undergoes an experimental treatment to restore her hearing. While recovering at her family’s beach home after the successful procedure, Chloe begins to fear she is not alone as she begins to experience auditory hallucinations related to the mysterious disappearance of her mother.
‘The Unheard’ is directed by Shudder alumni Jeffrey A. Brown (The Beach House) and written by brothers/screenwriting partners Shawn Rasmussen and Michael Rasmussen (Crawl), co-starring Michele Hicks and Nick Sandow. ‘The Unheard‘ premiers exclusively on Shudder Friday 03/31.
Returning Classic and Fan Favorites
Now that we’ve removed the veil for the new exclusive titles dropping this month, I think it’s time we reveal the returning classics jump starting our transition into spring for 2023. Allow me to highlight some of my favorite films returning to Shudder for March including ‘Gretel and Hansel‘ and ‘The Company of Wolves‘; grim re-telling’s of popular children’s fairy tales. We also cannot forget John Carpenter’s haunted coastal horror ‘The Fog‘; no, not the remake…thankfully.
Gretel and Hansel – Now Streaming
Directed by Osgood Perkins, ‘Gretel and Hansel’ is a terrifyingly dark and unique vision to one of history’s most famous childhood fairy tales. After being thrown out of their mother’s home, Gretel (Sophia Lillis) leads her younger brother, Hansel (Samuel Leakey), through the woods in search of food and work. The children soon discover a quaint cottage where a fragile old woman Holda (Alice Krige) offers fresh food and bed. The children accept all Holda has to offer, with little thought as to what may be asked of them in return.
Though it has been met with mixed reviews, ‘Gretel and Hansel‘ offers astounding performances by veteran actress Alice Krige as the films iconic Witch of the woods and Sophia Lillis as lead Gretel. Director Osgood Perkins does well to draw his viewer in with a beautifully haunting score and unnerving cinematography, making this one grim re-telling worth checking out at least once. ‘Gretel and Hansel‘ is available to stream now.
The Company of Wolves – Now Streaming
Continuing our list of returning classics, we have yet another bold re-telling of a beloved children’s fairy tale, 1984’s ‘The Company of Wolves‘. While the story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood‘ has been retold through various forms of media, including numerous films, ‘The Company of Wolves‘ is a beloved horror interpretation with adult themes and memorable practical effects including one of the genres best werewolf transformations.
A wise grandmother (Angela Lansbury) tells her granddaughter Rosaleen (Sarah Patterson) a disturbing tale of innocent maidens falling in love with handsome strangers … and of their sudden mysterious disappearances when the moon is full and accompanied by the strange sound of a beast in the woods.
‘The Company of Wolves’ is co-written and directed by Neil Jordan and stars Sarah Patterson, Angela Lansbury, Micha Bergese, and David Warner, streaming now.
John Carpenter’s The Fog – Streaming 03/31
Writer, director, musician, and horror master John Carpenter is a legend in the genre having provided countless classics such as ‘The Thing‘, a terrifyingly gruesome remake of ‘The Thing from Another World‘. Or his sci-fi action/horror ‘They Live’ where he deals with societal control through corporations and government. And of course, my personal favorite, the film that jumpstarted his career and created one of horror’s most iconic slashers…’Halloween‘.
1980’s ‘The Fog‘ is a terrifying shoreside tale of vengeful spirits haunting the fictional coastal town of Antonio Bay, OR. as they begin preparations to celebrate its centenary. Following exactly 100 years after a ship mysteriously sank in the town’s waters, a thick unearthly fog harboring the souls of those who perished rolls in and with them, the dark secrets of Antonio Bay’s past.
John Carpenter’s ‘The Fog’ stars scream queen and recent Academy Award winner Jamie Lee Curtis, genre alums Adrienne Barbeau, Janet Leigh, Tom Atkins, Charles Cyphers, and Nancy Kyes, and was co-written by the late Debra Hill. ‘The Fog‘ will be available to stream on Shudder 03/31.
Full Shudder March 2023 Film Releases
For a full comprehensive list of all the titles being added to Shudder for the month of January, please refer to the graphic below. Please be on the lookout for our review of ‘The Last Drive-In: Joe Bob’s Vicious Vegas Valentine’ to drop later this week here on HauntedMTL and be sure to follow us on Twitter and Instagram for more Shudder news and spooky reviews!
3/1:
Gretel and Hansel
3/2:
Spoonful of Sugar
3/9:
The Company of Wolves
3/13:
Holidays
3/17:
Leave
3/20:
Jack be Nimble
3/27:
Ultra Pulpe
After Blue
3/31:
The Unheard
The Fog
The Blair Witch Project & Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
So this isn’t a review but more just some thoughts…
I have to admit that I actually like the She Wolf music video by Shakira.
Maybe partly because my Zumba group back in the day used to dance to it with all of us cautioned to not to look up the music video for fear it would be too risque or something… (The Zumba dance to this was one of my favorites, and I loved our group of mostly 60+ year old retirees for all that some of them did act surprised at these things, whether or not they actually were.) Or maybe partly because it reminds me of Madonna’s Express Yourself, or by extension the famous dance scene in Metropolis directed by Fritz Lang.
It’s a guilty pleasure.
The ways these things evolve and stay the same over time fascinates me, especially how the messaging and movement change, and yet stay the same.
Anyway, I created this artwork based upon the She Wolf video and song, incorporating a Hazelle puppet head atop a modern Barbie doll body. I don’t recall what happened to Barbie’s actual head though I’m pretty sure I needed it for another project. (Technically I needed the body for another project too, and this was just a stopover.) Years ago this piece found itself part of the Women’s Caucus for Art website as one of the chosen artworks for the year. I was going to try to write something to go with it for Haunted MTL but instead I thought I’d share it as a lead up to my revisitation of my werewolf story from St. Patrick’s Day last year.
Feel free to check out more of Jennifer Weigel’s work here on Haunted MTL or on her writing, fine art, and conceptual projects websites.
The Slenderman is a well-known character for both gamers and Creepypasta fans alike. Most of us have seen pictures of him. Eerie photos of an incredibly slim, tall man with a white face and three-piece suit. He stalks children at parks, taking them away forever.
It’s a great scary story, a modern urban legend. And I’d like to think that most of us know that it is only that.
Unfortunately in 2014, the story became too real for three twelve-year-old girls. Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser attempted to murder their friend, Payton Leutner. The three girls went into the woods, and Payton was stabbed nineteen times.
Miraculously, she survived.
Today, I want to talk about the most comprehensive documentary I have seen to date regarding this tragedy. We’re taking a look at Beware The Slenderman.
Released in March of 2016 by HBO, this documentary was actually released before the end of the trial. Despite that, it was incredibly informative.
The two-hour-long documentary can be broken into two basic topics. The first, of course, is the attack on Peyton Leutner and the subsequent trial. The next topic is the one I was more interested in if we’re being honest. Slenderman is a modern-day urban legend. Why did his story have the power to drive two children to kill?
Let’s talk first about the coverage of the criminal trial against Anissa and Morgan. Now, I’m going to tell you something that surprised me. This documentary was released in 2016. The criminal trial was not over until 2017. Seems to me that it would have been better to delay the documentary until the trial was, you know, over. But hey, what do I know? Instead, our climactic ending revolves around one serious question. Would Alissa and Morgan be tried as adults or children?
We saw a lot of interviews with the parents of the two girls. They talked a lot about how seemingly normal they were. About how they were often the target of bullying, and how they only had a few close friends.
This was a very sad, yet touching view of families that are struggling with an impossible situation. How do you love and support your child after they’ve done something so terrible?
I will warn you that this portion did involve police interviews with the girls. It’s not as upsetting as hearing babies crying while they died like in Transmissions from Jonestown. But it’s still not a warm and fuzzy experience.
I appreciated the view of the families. It’s a point of view we don’t see as much. Part of me would have liked to see the family of Payton Leutner involved more. I’d have loved to know what they think of all of this. But it appears that they either didn’t want to participate in the documentary or weren’t asked in the first place. And honestly, I think that might be for the best. Even though Payton survived, she was brutally attacked by her two best friends. She and her family deserve to live their lives in peace.
What I was fascinated by was the story of Slenderman as a modern urban legend. What was it about this character that these children latched onto?
In this documentary, he’s compared to the Pied Piper in the way he lured children away from their families. This included a warped and frankly terrifying retelling of the Pied Piper with some of the creepiest animation I have ever seen. I loved it.
Slenderman is a perfect character for this sort of infatuation, unfortunately, because there are just not a lot of specifics in his story. He pops up in video games and online tales with any number of motivations. Is he abducting children to torture and kill them? Or is he rescuing them from their cruel peers who ostracize them? His vague back story and vague appearance mean we can look at him and see whatever we want to see. If you want to see a killer, that’s what you’ll see. If you want to see a friend who happens to kill other people sometimes, you can see that too.
Overall, this was a fascinating documentary. It managed to handle a sensitive situation tastefully. No one is made out to be a bad guy here because in the end no one really is a bad guy. I mean, except Slenderman.
This story is a stark reminder that stories have power. They have the power to heal us, inspire us, to change our lives. And if we aren’t very careful, they have the power to destroy our lives as well.
Stay safe, and don’t take things too seriously out there.
(4 / 5)
