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LOS ANGELES, CA. They were maybe our last shot, the baby witches of Tik Tok. They are confident, educated, socially aware young people who can talk to the moon, read tarot cards, and otherwise live out their dreams as Marnie from Halloweentown. But unfortunately, our dear Grandma Debbie Reynolds is dead, and the world is fucked, with or without witchcraft.

Beatrix Brew, a seventeen-year-witch with over 200,000 Tik Tok followers, shared how she and her fellow Tik Tok witches tried to help the world this week.

“So the girls and I thought we should cast a curse on all anti-maskers. We thought we were strong enough to shut down at least one villainous demographic. Then, slowly but surely, we would take over and eradicate every idiot on this planet,” Beatrix explained.

“We’re going to need Stevie Nicks to tackle the All Lives Matters crowd, but I think Stevie is astral projecting to another dimension. She hasn’t answered my telepathic texts. I manifested her response for three days straight, but I didn’t hear jack shit from my witch queen,” Beatrix said.

Stevie, if you’re reading this, it’s 100% understandable that you would use your witchy powers to escape this dimension. All we ask is that next time, please take us with you.

Beatrix then explained, “My friends Witch Hazel, Witch Cordelia, Witch Hermione, and I had a Zoom call on the full moon to put our spells to good use. We made a potion by combining Purell hand sanitizer, the juice from Lysol wipes, and our COVID negative blood. We then wiped it all over a mask to protect everyone who does wear a mask, and enchant everyone who doesn’t wear one. The idea was to get EVERYONE to do their part. Almost like every other country has done during this worldwide pandemic,” Beatrix said through gritted teeth.

“Sure, it was a new recipe, but we thought it would do the trick and possess people to wear masks, maintain proper sanitation, and flatten the curve of COVID. BUT since we’re baby witches, it only worked on anti-maskers within a fifty-foot radius of us. So at least my dad wears a mask now,” Hazel added.

Apparently, the failed attempt to use their supernatural powers to force people to commit an act of human decency went viral on Tik Tok. Other witchy teens commended them for their courage. However, the witch pals were disappointed.

“This whole experiment really sucked the life out of me. I might retire from witchcraft for good, and I’ve only done it for two full moons,” Hermione explained.

“I’m trying to be positive,” Hazel said while she wiped her teary eyes. “So can you at least sign this petition to replace Ellen DeGeneres with Eric Andre? I’m trying everything I can to improve 2020.”

Okay, that we might be able to do.

http://chng.it/7FrdsM6gnN

Look out little Ellen, Eric is coming for your throne and the witches have his back.

'Failed' chiropracter turned wrassler. Now out of retirement to give this horror thing a twirl. '4'

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Editorial

Fireside Chat 2025: Apparently I Don’t Exist

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Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!

“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”

Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.

picture of handbook for the recently deceased from beetlejuice but deceased is crossed out and it's got a sticky note that says "no longer existing as per some jackass"
I’m sure it’s lost in the mail…

BECOME A GHOST

nonbinary ghost in a haunted rave party

There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.

No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”

Ahem. I digress.

Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.

Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.

But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.

2 out of 5 stars (2 / 5)

It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.

BECOME A CREATURE

Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.

monster that's super cool with a SWAG hat, because they got that rizz
got that drip...like literally…

Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?

The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.

attack of the crab monsters
Look at that face and tell me they’re not having the time of their life
The Monolith monsters
These are literally just rock monsters
Monstroid cover - it's a weird monster
You can be…whatever the fuck they are
Monster in the closet
….No. I’m not making the joke.

Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.

So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.

The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.

You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)

I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.

BECOME A CRYPTID

Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.

a cryptid monster in the woods with nonbinary flags

Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.

They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.

Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.

Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-

Beast of Legends has a big ass octopus
oh, uh…

Never mind, I stand corrected.

5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.

CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…

I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.

You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.

You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.

The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.

And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.

You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

Be safe out there, friends.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: The Firing Squad

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So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.

Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…

In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.

The Firing Squad is coming.

And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…

Ready Aim Fire...  The Firing Squad appears digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Ready Aim Fire… The Firing Squad appears
Wing Shot...  The Firing Squad takes aim digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Wing Shot… The Firing Squad takes aim
Sharp Shooter...  You're a goner! digital art by Jennifer Weigel
Sharp Shooter… You’re a goner!

I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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Lighter than Dark

LTD: Library Rules

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Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!

Poster spelling out library rules, featuring extraplanar librarian.

Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.

Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.

1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.

2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.

3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.

4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.

5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.

6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.

Close up portrait of librarian, so you can look deep into her creepy metallic crystalline eyes
Close up portrait of librarian

For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady

Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.
Portrait of myself with dark makeup and crow skull headdress, backlit by the sun.

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