LTD: Tik Tok Witch Teens Try To Curse All Anti-Maskers, But No Such Luck
LOS ANGELES, CA. They were maybe our last shot, the baby witches of Tik Tok. They are confident, educated, socially aware young people who can talk to the moon, read tarot cards, and otherwise live out their dreams as Marnie from Halloweentown. But unfortunately, our dear Grandma Debbie Reynolds is dead, and the world is fucked, with or without witchcraft.
LOS ANGELES, CA. They were maybe our last shot, the baby witches of Tik Tok. They are confident, educated, socially aware young people who can talk to the moon, read tarot cards, and otherwise live out their dreams as Marnie from Halloweentown. But unfortunately, our dear Grandma Debbie Reynolds is dead, and the world is fucked, with or without witchcraft.
Beatrix Brew, a seventeen-year-witch with over 200,000 Tik Tok followers, shared how she and her fellow Tik Tok witches tried to help the world this week.
“So the girls and I thought we should cast a curse on all anti-maskers. We thought we were strong enough to shut down at least one villainous demographic. Then, slowly but surely, we would take over and eradicate every idiot on this planet,” Beatrix explained.
“We’re going to need Stevie Nicks to tackle the All Lives Matters crowd, but I think Stevie is astral projecting to another dimension. She hasn’t answered my telepathic texts. I manifested her response for three days straight, but I didn’t hear jack shit from my witch queen,” Beatrix said.
Stevie, if you’re reading this, it’s 100% understandable that you would use your witchy powers to escape this dimension. All we ask is that next time, please take us with you.
Beatrix then explained, “My friends Witch Hazel, Witch Cordelia, Witch Hermione, and I had a Zoom call on the full moon to put our spells to good use. We made a potion by combining Purell hand sanitizer, the juice from Lysol wipes, and our COVID negative blood. We then wiped it all over a mask to protect everyone who does wear a mask, and enchant everyone who doesn’t wear one. The idea was to get EVERYONE to do their part. Almost like every other country has done during this worldwide pandemic,” Beatrix said through gritted teeth.
“Sure, it was a new recipe, but we thought it would do the trick and possess people to wear masks, maintain proper sanitation, and flatten the curve of COVID. BUT since we’re baby witches, it only worked on anti-maskers within a fifty-foot radius of us. So at least my dad wears a mask now,” Hazel added.
Apparently, the failed attempt to use their supernatural powers to force people to commit an act of human decency went viral on Tik Tok. Other witchy teens commended them for their courage. However, the witch pals were disappointed.
“This whole experiment really sucked the life out of me. I might retire from witchcraft for good, and I’ve only done it for two full moons,” Hermione explained.
“I’m trying to be positive,” Hazel said while she wiped her teary eyes. “So can you at least sign this petition to replace Ellen DeGeneres with Eric Andre? I’m trying everything I can to improve 2020.”
Okay, that we might be able to do.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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