LTD: Witch Coven Becomes Strained When Member Joins MLM
SALEM, Mass. — Members of a local coven report that their group is in an awkward position now that one of the witches has joined a multi-level marketing business. Coven leader Beatrix Graves spoke out about the tension in the group, which began when Aurora Darkmore, one of the coven’s newest members, became a representative for an organization known as “Spell Secretz.”
“When Aurora first started talking about Spell Secretz, most of us just kind of ignored it,” Graves explained. “But she really started putting pressure on us to come to her parties and buy that overpriced junk. The last straw was when she invited us over for a Mabon celebration, but she didn’t even plan any rituals. She did give us wine, but I think she was just trying to get us drunk so we’d buy something.”
Manifesting disappointment
Coven member Athena Willow also expressed her dissatisfaction with Spell Secretz. “I felt bad for her, so I ordered a smudge stick from her catalog. It was super expensive, and I really think it was just some random weeds in a rubber band. I didn’t use it,” Ms. Willow explained. “Who knows what kind of energy that would bring into my house?”
Items other members have purchased from Ms. Darkmore include presumably fake crystals that attracted bad luck and essential oils that gave more than one member a severe rash. “I feel bad for Aurora, because I know she’s got money problems. She keeps talking about manifesting prosperity and abundance, but she really needs to manifest her way out of that scam.”
Coven leader Ms. Graves went on to say that the witches are considering expelling Ms. Darkmore if she doesn’t stop harassing members. “We’re going to have to block her on Facebook if she doesn’t stop inviting us to those weird live events she does. She keeps saying people are asking for them, but we know it’s not true.”
When approached for comment on this article, Ms. Darkmore responded with the following email: “Hey Hun!! It was amazing to hear from you. By the way, have you ever wanted to be your own boss, manifest prosperity, and meet tons of other awesome spellbabes? I’ve got a super exciting business opportunity for you! Let me know if you want to join my downline!”
Upon hearing about the email, Ms. Graves rolled her eyes. “Spellbabes? Ugh,” she said. “Also, I’m already my own boss. I’m a freaking witch.” As of press time, Ms. Darkmore has followed up her original message with five more emails, three texts, and a Facebook friend request.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
