LTD: Virginia Family Wakes To Find Ghost of Jefferson Davis Haunting Them
RICHMOND VA. On Monday night, an entire street took part in a 3 a.m. shame session when the ghost of confederate Jefferson Davis showed up to haunt one family.
The Johns family awoke from their slumber because the Godawful smell of something, or someone, was filling the air. Mr. and Mrs. Johns along with their two daughters were so offended by the putrid smell that they got out of bed to investigate the source.
Mrs. Johns said, “So there I was, my titties hanging out, smelling an unearthly smell when I saw this Confederate bitch in my kitchen. It’s one thing to see a ghost in your home. And it’s another thing to see fucking Jefferson Davis in your kitchen looking to take more of what isn’t his.
Once I realized who the ghost was, every ounce of fear left my body because I realized, while I couldn’t physically beat him up, I could verbally abuse him to obliteration. I called the whole family down so we could all participate. My girls were so excited.”
Apparently, the ghost of Jefferson Davis was crying in their kitchen because his wittle statue was torn down. The Johns family, who were very aware that Confederate soldiers and generals deserved to rot in hell, took it upon themselves to really give Jefferson something to cry about.
13-year-old Grace Johns said, “I told that racist sack of shit I would stick my boot where the sun don’t shine if I could. Since I couldn’t inflict physical pain onto his ghost, I chose psychological torment. To do this, I showed him a video compilation of other racist statues being torn down. Enya played in the background, and boy, was it a work of art. Of course, Jefferson sobbed and sobbed. I haven’t cried like that since I was what… maybe ten months old? How embarrassing for him.”
The neighbors of the Johns family apparently heard the sound of wild laughter and pathetic tears coming from the home, and gathered out front to join in. The Johns family, realizing they’d caused quite a stir, opened their door and used their liberal, witchy powers to drag the ghost of Jefferson Davis into the street.
Within a matter of ten minutes, eighty Virginia residents had gathered around the ghost to laugh at him, show off their black excellence, and generally shame everything Jefferson Davis stands for.
Mr. Johns said, “After five minutes of being ridiculed, the ghost of Jefferson started sobbing again. Then Satan himself rose from beneath us and declared, ‘How did you get out you stupid bastard? Your buddy Robert E. Lee misses you. Back to hell we go.’ And then they both disappeared. I can still hear Jefferson’s screams of agony.” Mr. Johns proceeds to laugh.
Once he composed himself after the giggle attack, Mr Johns concluded, “Whenever I need a pick me up, I just replay his screams in my head and tears of joy come to my eyes. It’s foolproof.”
The youngest Johns member, Lucy Johns age 6, concluded the interview by saying, “Man, fuck that guy.”
That’s right little Lucy. Fuck that guy.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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Kristin Cleaves
June 23, 2020 at 4:43 pm
This is hilarious! I agree, fuck that guy.
Brianna Schullo
June 23, 2020 at 4:50 pm
Thank you! Amen to that.