LTD: Man Blames Tarot Cards For Murder Plot Against Ex
PORTLAND, OR. He was a skater boy. She said, see you later boy. That’s how the hipster couple, Stefan and Basil ended their eight year long relationship.
PORTLAND, OR. He was a skater boy. She said, see you later boy. That’s how the hipster couple, Stefan and Basil ended their eight year long relationship. Two world collided almost a decade ago and then boom, it ended over a Facebook Messenger text. Apparently, Stefan told his skate brothers they broke up because Basil was up his ass all the time. He was always boarding instead of participating in couples yoga, reiki practices, and guided meditations with her. However, we gained access to Stefan’s phone, and we read the breakup messages ourselves because that’s what good reporters do. Here’s how it went.
Basil: I’m stoked that you landed that half pipe crack pipe trick or whatever, but I need you. You’re never home. I’m always chanting positive affirmations to myself because you never give me any loving energy anymore. What I’m trying to say is, Stefan, this is el fin of our relationship.
I’ll put your Monster Energy 12 pack at the end of the hallway. It was crowding my kombucha and kimchi in the fridge anyway. Seriously Stefan, have a probiotic once in awhile. You’ve got to be so backed up. Anyway, au revoir Steffie.
Stefan: I’m fucking a chick at the skate rink anyway, hag.
Based on these text messages, one can assume that Stefan was very bothered because he wanted to seem so unbothered. This would be a clever move, but every straight man ever has done the exact same thing when rejected. Silly Stefan. Tony Hawk will never love you, and neither will Basil.
Later that day, Stefan was seen by three witnesses entering a metaphysical shop, stealing a deck of tarot cards, and knocking over a display of crystals to create an obstacle between himself and the workers. He escaped, but his luck would soon run out.
That night, Stefan decided to use the tarot cards, which Basil always swore by, to figure out what to do about the breakup. He pulled The Empress, The Hanged Man, and The Death card. Now, since Stefan is an idiot he thought the Universe was telling him to kill his ex.
What Stefan failed to remember was that Basil is clairvoyant so he was fucked from the start. As he was preparing to murder her, she armed herself with sage, crystals, and the police. Within a matter of ten minutes, Stefan was arrested. The evidence against him was damning because he wrote this underneath the tarot cards.
Basil + Breaking Up With Me = Murder Basil in Cold Blood 🙂
So yeah, the cops locked his ass up.
The next day though, the cards came true. Stefan was found dead in his cell. Apparently, Basil had a witchy friend on the inside who helped stage the whole thing. Said witchy friend, who will remain anonymous confessed, “so I crushed up a daily vitamin and mixed it in with Stefan’s prison oatmeal. Basil told me Monster energy drink runs through Stefan’s veins so I knew the proper nutrients would send his body into overdrive. His vitamin levels spiked and then he drifted off to the other side.”
According to his cellmate, Stefan’s last words were, “If I die, make sure everyone knows it’s pronounced Stef-ON. Oh, and bury me with my board. Later… skater.” And then his heart stopped.
So I guess RIP to Stefan? But also WTF Stefan everyone is surprised you didn’t die sooner.
Lighter than Dark
LTD: Revisiting Broken Doll Head, Interview 2
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Lighter than Dark
LTD: Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Lighter than Dark
LTD Tripped Out Motivational Posters
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…