INDEPENDENCE, OHIO – Employees of a local call center are frustrated with their employers’ implementation of a new business model for 2021. Jason Argon, who has worked for Service Direct Communications for several years, spoke to the media this week about the situation. “They let us work from home for most of 2020 because of the pandemic,” Mr. Argon explained, “but they wanted us to come back to the office after people got vaccinated. They said they did some survey and most employees wanted a hybrid model for the workplace. We definitely said that, but they took it in a different direction.”
Instead of allowing employees to continue telecommuting several days per week, as employees expected, Service Direct Communications reached out to the company’s international office to bring in additional employees. “When we came back to the office, they said they had this big announcement,” Mr. Argon continued. “Then they brought the centaurs in.”
“Some people quit during the pandemic, so they thought we needed more staff. But no one really expected this,” Mr. Argon explained.
The centaur employees, who arrived from Greece and have been working in the phone bank, are not the only hybrid creatures in the office building. “The centaurs have been working out OK, but they needed a lot of extra cleaning up after. So HR brought in some satyrs as custodians. They’re pretty friendly, I guess, but the sound of their hooves is really starting to drive me up the wall. Also, I think they are fermenting grapes or something in one of the toilets.”
Due to the large appetites of the centaurs, the staff at the workplace cafeteria needed reinforcements. “They hired these harpies to work there, but they are really mean and they keep most of the food for themselves. Last time I tried to buy lunch, one of them pecked at me and made fun of my shoes. They’re really filthy, too, so the satyrs don’t like them either.”
Mr. Argon said the most difficult adjustment has come from the recent lack of tech support. “They thought the Minotaur was really smart, because he figured out the labyrinth and everything. So they put him in IT, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing and just smashes stuff when he gets mad. I’m on my fourth laptop now.”
Many call center employees have been updating their resumes and looking for different employment. However, Mr. Argon has decided to make the best of the situation. “I was getting bored at home, so at least it’s something different. Also, the new lamia in HR is kind of hot and I think she likes me. Yeah, she’s half snake, but 2020 was pretty lonely, if you know what I mean.” When asked for comment, the lamia in question said, “Ew, no. I’m not into guys with two legs. Some of those centaurs are looking pretty good, though.”