LTD: Local Teen’s iPhone Possessed by “Lame” 1990s Ghost
BAY VILLAGE, Ohio — A group of local tenth-graders expressed regret this weekend after a Ouija board session went awry. Madison Kline, 15, along with her friends Olivia Meyer, 15, Alexis Little, 16, and Kaitlyn Robinson, also 16, performed the ill-fated seance at Ms. Kline’s suburban home after ditching seventh-period algebra. The girls, inspired by a YouTube video called “DO NOT ATTEMPT: Ouija Board Challenge,” hoped to create content for Kaitlyn’s Instagram (Ms. Robinson is an aspiring influencer, currently looking for sponsors).
The teens selected Ms. Kline’s basement rec room for the ritual because her parents wouldn’t be home from work until after 5 p.m., though she stipulated that they should finish before her “super-annoying” younger brother came down to play Xbox. Since none of the girls own a traditional Ouija board, they downloaded a Ouija app on Ms. Robinson’s iPhone.
To prepare for the seance, Ms. Kline turned off the lights and lit her mother’s “Moonlit Blossoms” Yankee Candle, even though Ms. Little complained it smelled like “swamp ass.” Ms. Robinson described the events that followed: “Right from the start, it was totally freaky,” she declared, as the other girls nodded in agreement. “Like, immediately after we started, I got a low battery notification. But right before, my battery was at, like, 40 percent.”
Ms. Meyer added, “It got like, freezing, too. I had to get my hoodie out of my backpack.”
Ms. Kline then explained how, using the app, they had contacted a restless spirit residing in the house. “We asked the spirit if it died in the house, and it said yes,” she explained as the other girls nodded. Then we asked if it was murdered, and it said yes to that too! We were freaking out.”
“Then we heard Madison’s little brother coming, so we closed out of the app before saying goodbye or whatever like you’re supposed to,” Ms. Meyer interjected. “We knew if he got too scared, he’d tell Madison’s mom. If I get caught skipping again, my dad’s gonna take away my phone.”
Anti-social media
After the arrival of Madison’s allegedly “dumb-ass” brother, the girls dispersed to their respective homes. A short while later, Robinson alerted the others via group chat that her phone was acting “totally freaky.” “I kept getting these texts from a weird 666 area code that said stuff like ‘Hello there, Kaitlyn. How are you?’” It was crazy, because no one texts like that,” Ms. Robinson explained. “They didn’t use emojis or anything. Also, I suddenly started getting YouTube recommendations for these 90’s playlists. Like, Savage Garden? Who even is that?”
Ms. Robinson then posted an Instagram story of herself “freaking out,” but her friends immediately alerted her that something was amiss. “There were, like, ALL these orbs in my selfies!” she exclaimed, still visibly upset. “You couldn’t even see my face. Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok — it happened everywhere! I tried to uninstall the Ouija app, but every time I deleted it, it downloaded itself again!”
The signs were everywhere
The bizarre events continued over the next few days, escalating in nature until Ms. Robinson’s ringtone was replaced by the 1993 Ace of Base hit, “The Sign,” causing her considerable embarrassment when her phone went off during class. It was at this point the girls decided to act.
“We were really scared, but we knew we had to do something,” Ms. Kline said. “That ghost totally sucked.” During lunch period, the girls turned off the lights in the sophomore bathroom and convened in the handicapped stall, once again opening the Ouija board app on Ms. Robinson’s iPhone.
“We thought maybe the ghost wanted us to avenge her murder, so we asked if she knew who did it,” Ms. Meyer said. “But then Kaitlyn got a text message, and the ghost admitted she wasn’t even murdered. She said she choked on a Snackwell’s cookie while she was watching Friends. How lame is that?”
Ms. Kline, who has watched most of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and also “that super-old movie, The Craft,” is considered the group’s expert on the occult. “So I texted back, and told her to, like, go into the light,” she explained. “I used the angel emoji, and some cloud and rainbow ones. I told her we’d all make Snapchat stories about how sad we were and how awesome she used to be.”
“She totally wasn’t, but we were trying to be nice,” Ms. Little clarified. After Ms. Kline then clicked “Goodbye” on the Ouija app, Ms. Robinson was finally able to uninstall it. The girls now believe the spirit has crossed over to the other side, but Ms. Robinson said she still occasionally gets Netflix recommendations for “weird old movies” like Wayne’s World and Bio-Dome.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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