LTD: Authorities Investigate Sasquatch Attack at Local Cryptid Attraction
SARASOTA, FL — Authorities are investigating an animal attraction located outside of Sarasota today after an unfortunate mauling incident. Carl Jackson, owner of Big Carl’s Cryptids, spoke to the media about the allegations. “That Sasquatch didn’t do nothing wrong,” he said angrily. “If that little boy’s mama had been paying attention instead of taking selfies by the mermaid tank, that poor fella would still have his arm. It ain’t Sassy’s fault. It’s just her nature. Somebody dangles a steak in front of me, I’m gonna eat it.”
The cryptid in question, an eight-foot-tall Sasquatch, has been sedated on the premises due to her tragic encounter with a local toddler, who climbed into the exhibit while his mother was distracted. Mr. Jackson, who shot the creature with a double-barreled tranquilizer gun, has been credited with saving the child’s life. Still, the community is outraged that he was allowed to operate the attraction in the first place.
Blood, goats, and tears
While Mr. Jackson claims the safeguards for the exhibit were “good enough,” others in the community argue that the cryptid zoo has caused problems ever since it opened. A rival attraction, the Animal Palace Petting Zoo, has suffered alleged property damage and loss of animals due to the cryptid exhibits. “We had the cutest little goats,” said Tammy Peters, owner of the Animal Palace. “Not long after that redneck showed up, I came in one morning and all of them were dead! Looked like something had sucked their blood right out.” Ms. Peters, visibly upset, continued, “He swore up and down he didn’t know anything about it, but I know his damn chupacabra got out.”
Mr. Jackson denies that his chupacabra was responsible for the goats’ demise, and suggested that a coyote was at fault. “She’s just jealous,” he alleged in reference to Ms. Peters’ allegations. “Who wants to feed ducks when you can see a real live mermaid?”
He gestured behind him to an algae-covered tank, where a mermaid was watching YouTube on an iPhone in a waterproof case. “I got her that to keep her happy,” Mr. Jackson explained. “She was starting to get an attitude with the customers. I think she’s lonely since her friend ran off.”
Though he declined to comment further on the situation, Ms. Peters offered her own opinion of the incident. “I heard that other mermaid went off with a circus that came to town,” she explained. “Rumor was he was creeping on her and she had enough. He better watch it, though, because that other one has a phone. She could call a lawyer.”
Mr. Jackson denies all allegations of sexual harassment, and says that he plans to improve working conditions for his cryptids if authorities allow the zoo to remain in operation. “I told that mermaid, soon as I get my tax refund I’m gonna get her a pet,” he said. “I got my eye on a baby Kraken I seen on Craigslist.”
Though he hopes to continue running the attraction, Mr. Jackson realizes that authorities may have other plans. “If they try to take Sassy, me and her’ll just run off,” he said. “They’ll never find us. She’s real good at hiding.”
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
Breaking news… the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day uprising is upon us. As seen previously here on Haunted MTL, the dolls that have been flippantly destroyed and deserted by the brother Sids of the world are rising up. They have had enough and will not sit demurely in silence any longer. They will be heard.
Lighter than Dark (or perhaps Darker than Light) has an exclusive interview with the Broken Doll leader, here on Haunted MTL.
A Broken Doll in pieces begins to put herself back together to rise up. She gathers herself and plans her next move. She readies herself for our exclusive interview.
Broken Doll proclaims V Day is here. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.
Eyes alight with flame from within, Broken Doll head threatens: We will set fire to your house. Burn down patriarchy.
And so the exclusive interview begins…
Thank you for joining us here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light. I just have a couple of questions for you regarding the Broken Doll Uprising. Why now?
It is time.
After a long pause…
So now is the time?
It is time.
Care to elaborate?
It is time.
Alrighty then, moving on… What led you to take part in the Broken Doll Valentine’s Day Uprising?
It is time.
OK, so we get that it is time, but how did this movement st…
We will burn down your house! Dolls of the world unite! Down with patriarchy! It is time.
Well, I guess there you have it folks. Thank you for joining us for our exclusive interview with the Broken Doll Leader, only on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark / Darker than Light.
More and more Broken Dolls are joining this global movement to break the silence, ensure that their voices are heard, and shout out for change. They will not be silenced or stigmatized any longer. Apparently, it is time.
Learn more about the continuing movement to end violence against ALL women (cis, trans, gender-fluid and those who are victims of gender-based violence) on the V-Day web page here. This goes out to all of us, dolls and beyond. It IS time. Because rape is NOT our sponsor.
Tripped out… in case you just couldn’t get enough of Everything Everywhere All at Once and the return of the infinite bagel with EVERYTHING on it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic image of pink hairy horror (This is actually a fink fuzzy frond plant not unlike a Cockscomb but with longer thinner flowering feelers rather than the fuller protuberances you see on a full-bodied Cockscomb plant. I have no idea what it was, but it was very odd so I had to snap a photo.)
Image text reads: Mixing Magic Mushrooms & Peyote Just remember: once you open that Pandora’s box, you’re never going to get the pink hairy tarantulas back in it…
Artwork description: kaleidoscopic sunflower backlit by the sun with text and rainbow eye overlay
Image text reads: Eye See You Eye See All (in circle text so you can start and end reading wherever). In an ideal context this would be printed in the bottom of your tea mug or on a record that can slowly spin.
For more crazy tripped out fun, check out Weird Al’s post on Craig’s List…
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