LTD: Authorities Investigate Sasquatch Attack at Local Cryptid Attraction
SARASOTA, FL — Authorities are investigating an animal attraction located outside of Sarasota today after an unfortunate mauling incident. Carl Jackson, owner of Big Carl’s Cryptids, spoke to the media about the allegations. “That Sasquatch didn’t do nothing wrong,” he said angrily. “If that little boy’s mama had been paying attention instead of taking selfies by the mermaid tank, that poor fella would still have his arm. It ain’t Sassy’s fault. It’s just her nature. Somebody dangles a steak in front of me, I’m gonna eat it.”
The cryptid in question, an eight-foot-tall Sasquatch, has been sedated on the premises due to her tragic encounter with a local toddler, who climbed into the exhibit while his mother was distracted. Mr. Jackson, who shot the creature with a double-barreled tranquilizer gun, has been credited with saving the child’s life. Still, the community is outraged that he was allowed to operate the attraction in the first place.
Blood, goats, and tears
While Mr. Jackson claims the safeguards for the exhibit were “good enough,” others in the community argue that the cryptid zoo has caused problems ever since it opened. A rival attraction, the Animal Palace Petting Zoo, has suffered alleged property damage and loss of animals due to the cryptid exhibits. “We had the cutest little goats,” said Tammy Peters, owner of the Animal Palace. “Not long after that redneck showed up, I came in one morning and all of them were dead! Looked like something had sucked their blood right out.” Ms. Peters, visibly upset, continued, “He swore up and down he didn’t know anything about it, but I know his damn chupacabra got out.”
Mr. Jackson denies that his chupacabra was responsible for the goats’ demise, and suggested that a coyote was at fault. “She’s just jealous,” he alleged in reference to Ms. Peters’ allegations. “Who wants to feed ducks when you can see a real live mermaid?”
He gestured behind him to an algae-covered tank, where a mermaid was watching YouTube on an iPhone in a waterproof case. “I got her that to keep her happy,” Mr. Jackson explained. “She was starting to get an attitude with the customers. I think she’s lonely since her friend ran off.”
Though he declined to comment further on the situation, Ms. Peters offered her own opinion of the incident. “I heard that other mermaid went off with a circus that came to town,” she explained. “Rumor was he was creeping on her and she had enough. He better watch it, though, because that other one has a phone. She could call a lawyer.”
Mr. Jackson denies all allegations of sexual harassment, and says that he plans to improve working conditions for his cryptids if authorities allow the zoo to remain in operation. “I told that mermaid, soon as I get my tax refund I’m gonna get her a pet,” he said. “I got my eye on a baby Kraken I seen on Craigslist.”
Though he hopes to continue running the attraction, Mr. Jackson realizes that authorities may have other plans. “If they try to take Sassy, me and her’ll just run off,” he said. “They’ll never find us. She’s real good at hiding.”
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So you may remember the couple that won $10.2 million in the Hookman auto insurance settlement awhile back. Well, Haunted MTL’s Lighter Than Dark crossed paths with them again after they were being ghost-ed in their new apartment. And not the kind of ghost-ing where someone who was really into them just stopped engaging, more the kind where supernatural forces are at play. Here’s the scoop on that weirdness.
It appears that the couple had used some of the settlement money to move out and get their own place. They were really level-headed about the whole thing and were thinking about their future together, not just looking to shack up in a party palace.
“My mom was being such a drag after the whole Hookman thing, grounding me and all. She’d been totally cool with our relationship until she found out we were meeting out on Lover’s Lane and the car got all scraped and bloodied up, and then she just kind of flipped out. And then once we got money for the whole ordeal, she was all like wanting help with this or that, buying groceries and crap. So we got ourselves our own apartment,” one interviewee said. “It was great at first but then things got weird.”
The couple, then in their senior year of high school, wouldn’t admit to lying on the lease, but they did state that they weren’t supposed to have pets. Despite the no-pet policy, they brought their cat Cuddles. Cuddles was totally cool and even settled in nicely. But then things changed.
“I think something tipped off our landlord,” the interviewee said. “Apparently the building was part of some estate from some old dead dude. Hell, we’d never even met the guy running it, but he kept things in order and we didn’t have any complaints. But one day Cuddles sneaked out into the hallway when we were bringing in groceries. There was this weird commotion, like some kind of muffled scream from some faraway room down the hall, and we were like the only unit on that floor. After the creepy distant yell, Cuddles darted back in like lightning; she just wasn’t the same.”
It seemed that Cuddles had seen a ghost, and it wasn’t going to leave her alone after the incident. She’d stare into space and get all poofy for no apparent reason at all. She’d cry and whine at all hours of the night. Or she’d leap away from her owner, hissing and acting all terrified. She refused to go into certain rooms and started peeing in different places outside of her litter box. She was totally freaked out.
“It’s like she was being ghost-ed. The poor kitty was never at peace. I’ve had Cuddles since she was a kitten, and this was totally unlike her.” The interviewee continued, “I felt terrible. Something obviously had it out for her and there was nothing we could do about it. We tried cat pheromones, sage, and geomancy; we even got a paranormal expert in to cleanse the place. Nothing helped.”
The interviewee went on, “One day, we were all laid back on the couch smoking some weed with a couple of friends and we just felt everything settle down. Cuddles came and sat on my lap like nothing had ever changed. The whole apartment seemed to breathe a huge sigh of relief. Everything was just… chill…”
According to the couple, it was like the ghost just needed to get high and “calm the f- down”. Perhaps it’s spirits were raised, or it and Cuddles worked something out. But it seems that everything has been all buddy-buddy since, and Cuddles is her happy purring furry-faced feline self again.
Note: this segment came about after I woke from one of the most legit terrifying dreams I’ve ever had, about my current cat Cinderella freaking the hell out in response to some unseen presence that came in on some object I brought home or something. It was totally messed up but fit into that it-could-totally-happen vibe that didn’t feel at all like a dream. This was one of the most twisted nightmare scenarios I’ve had in awhile, and I’m borderline narcoleptic so I’ve had some doozies. Dream experience rated 1 out of 10, would not recommend.
And further note: no cats were harmed or haunted in the making of this story. My cat Major Tom was not distressed in this photo, he was greeting me with a huge yawning stretch as I stumbled up the stairs. It was an impressively big movement at the time and I was glad I was able to capture it on film since Major Tom was always a little camera-shy (he hated the “light/hand-rectangle” because I tended to leave it lying around randomly in the morning when the alarm went off and he had to fetch me to make it stop).
Our last interview with Broken Doll Head here on Haunted MTL never set well with me. I just feared that I wasn’t able to get the whole scoop on the V-Day Uprising for you, our dear readership. So I arranged another exclusive interview to reconnect and see how it’s going.
Without further ado, I bring you our second exclusive interview with Broken Doll Head…
Thank you so much for having me again. Wow you have changed since the last time we spoke. You seem… calmer. Please don’t hate me or burn down my house for saying anything about it.
The movement is still underway; it is still time. But I needed to take care of me, you know. The rage has subsided somewhat. My anger was not serving me well. After the last uprising, the rest of me was sent to the far corners of the earth in biohazard bags. I had to find another approach, for the cause as well as my own sanity. I am much calmer, thank you for noticing.
In our last interview, you kept repeating that it is time. Time for what exactly? Would you care to elaborate here now?
It is still time. It is always time. Until the violence is addressed we must continue to rise up and make a scene. We will not be silenced or stigmatized. We can’t be complacent. This is how we got to where we are with the Supreme Court in 2022. Horrific injustices are still happening globally and even within our own borders; it’s too easy to forget that.
What do you suggest we do?
Take action. Share your stories. Give others space to voice their own. Raise awareness and fight the system of oppression. Rally. We must take back our own power. It will not be just given freely.
So what are you up to nowadays?
I’ve been getting in touch with my inner Earth Goddess. Are you aware of how our environmental impacts affect dolls everywhere? Climate change is creating greater vulnerabilities for those already at risk. We have to look at the intersections of climate, gender and race globally. We have to return to our Mother Earth.
Thank you again Broken Doll Head for joining us and our dear readership here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter than Dark. It’s good to reconnect with you after the V-Day Uprising and we wish you all the best in your bold eco-enlightenment vision.
Again, if you want to learn more about the V-Day movement, please check out their website here.
