LTD: DIY Make Your Own Fairy Wands
“With Fairy Godmothers like that, who needs wishes…”Cinderella
Fairy wands are all the rage. No self-respecting Fairy Godmother or Godfather can be without one. Their ability to conjure wishing magic is unrivaled. And we all know that wishing magic is always in high demand, worth far more than gold… So today, here on Haunted MTL’s Lighter Than Dark, we will tell you how to make them.
First, you will need to catch and kill a fairy. Wild fairies are crafty, conniving and dangerous-as-f**k. You can use fairies’ natural curiosity to get the better of them. I won’t offer any pointers here because fairies are tricksy and may be reading along with you, Dear Viewer, but Drew Hayes chronicles how terrifying fairy magic is in Second Hand Curses, and Brian Froud and Terry Gilliam offer some advice in Lady Cottington’s Pressed Fairy Book, both of which can be purchased using the links at the end of this article.
Once you have acquired a fairy, you will need to carefully remove its head. This is pretty easy. They actually just kind of pop off at the neck if you twist them right. Like everything else involving fairies, there’s a trick to this, but you get the hang of it pretty quick once you get in the business. Just try to keep as little of the magic from spilling out as you can while you do this; your fairy wands will be more potent the less of the fairy magic you waste and this will determine the number of charges your wand has (that being the number of wishes you can grant before it is spent).
Oh, I should have mentioned, you will need a suitable stick for a wand. Something that will hold the raw power of the fairy magic, feels good in hand, and is easy to twirl and twiddle (these actions are the basis for conjuring so you have to be sure that your stick isn’t too bulky or thorny or has too many branches unless they enhance this effect). The stick needs to be about the same circumference as the fairy’s neck. Not just any stick will do, but sticks are a dime a dozen so I know you can find a good one. Seriously that’s the easy part.
Next, you pop your fairy head on the end of your stick and let the magic seep into the stick itself. This process can take days for the fairy head to fuse to the stick and the magic to finish wicking. I typically let my fairy wands sit for about a week apiece. You will have to keep everything upright during this process by placing it in a vase or similar container.
Voila, now you have a fairy wand. You are now ready to enter the world of the Fairy Godparents, just be sure to enroll in your local chapter before you start using magic because they don’t take kindly to newcomers encroaching on their turf. I’d say it’s just proper protocol like joining any laborer’s union, but it’s really more like the mafia. Simply put, you don’t want to cross them, they will cut you.
Oh and here are those links, as promised. Remember if you buy anything from the links provided, Haunted MTL will get some money back, so the Dark Lord says shop away…
For more bewitched beheadings, check out Re-Gifted here on Haunted MTL.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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