Razor Hills, Montana – Arlen McGuirk, known to locals as “Old Man” McGuirk (62), has recently expressed concerns to the mayor of Razor Hills about the lack of return customers on their way to Razor Hills National Park to his gas station.

“It’s a bit strange. I’ve been out here for about 30 years or so now, and I’ve noticed that travelers seem to be heading into the park. But I never see them on the way out,” he claimed. McGuirk explained his confidence in the idea that should return, suggesting that “my gas is shit, actually. I water it down. Water everything down really, even the soda. I’m trying to get them to refill before they head back to the city or whatever.”

Razor Hills National Park, known for jagged rock faces, deep, maze-like canyons, and a tribe of cannibalistic mutants who worship the Moon, is also a popular tourism destination for local coeds and RV families.

Mayor Bloodrot, a former mutant cannibal, suggested that visitors are simply exiting the park through the other end. “We see that the canyon of razor-sharp rocks makes for a nice, scenic drive, and the friendly locals are quite good at keeping an eye out for visitors. We encourage all tourists to head deep into the canyon because it makes for a fun hike for the adventurous.” Bloodrot, elected to Razor Hills in a sweeping surge of support from the local band of cannibal mutants, has pushed heavily to build up Razor Hills as an outdoor enthusiast destination.

McGuirk, however, is skeptical, saying that “I keep warning the kids about the canyon. I know we have a cannibal mutant mayor now, and I am not ‘PC.’ or whatever… I mean, I am trying. But I don’t trust a single rusty piercing on a single one of canyon folk.”

Mayor Bloodrot said of McGuirk, “while the cannibal mutant community continues to struggle against such bias as Mr. McGuirk has expressed, we will continue to contribute to the community. I also promise to personally visit him to assure him our of community support of his business.”

David Davis

Drive-In Fan

About the Author

David Davis is a writer, cartoonist, and educator in Southern California with an M.A. in literature and writing studies.

View Articles