So. I’m another year older this month. Happy birthday to me. And I’ve always have done something special on my birthday because I’m one of “those people”. Maybe an apple orchard. Maybe fighting robots TO THE DEATH. Maybe an ice cream dinosaur party. Looking for sea glass on Lake Huron.
However, to be frank, after my divorce from glorious spouse earlier this year, it’s been a bit lackluster around these parts. The shine is taken off. Most my friends are miles and kilometers away. I’ve been just kinda rolling around and figuring where this rolling stone will fall.
Birthdays are becoming, sadly, adult. Not sexy adult. Lame adult. Like “socks are great gifts” adult.
I feel spooky-season coursing through my veins. I bleed pumpkin-spiced blood. I am the night. King of the pumpkin patch. Back from the dead, baybeee.
So come celebrate spooky season and my birthday month with me as I go through 31 horror movies this month. And maybe 31-ish horror reviews? Maybe? I mean I sometimes have a life. Regardless, all 31 films that are new and fresh to me. Not one repeat, friends. No re-watches. Clean, virginal eyes on each one.
So, let’s get to it. Starting with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
The Plot of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME:
Ginny has everything. She has a doting father, an enormous house, some terrible but elite friends, and a terrible but elite school she attends. But one thing she doesn’t have is a mom. Well, she did, but then there was that freak accident that Ginny still can’t remember.
However, now that she’s settling back into her old life and getting ready for her birthday, people keep dying. What the heck is going on? And what happened to her mom? And her brain? And her panties?
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Oh, it was one of her so-called friends who took her panties? Welcome to the ’80’s.
Thoughts:
Campy good fun because HOLY MOLY it makes absolutely no sense. Screenplay by three people? I believe it because what a weird and wild ride as the story seemed to split into completely three different stories. A kind of exquisite corpse of a movie. Not like we, at Hauntedmtl, know anythingabout that.
Her so-called friends (they’re horrible people) are dying by a mysterious killer. She was part of some kind of brain experiment after the accident. Her mom died a mysterious death that no one will talk about. And her therapist is, like, way too close to her. Like, there’s a lot to unpack.
And even when you get to the end, the plot twist is more of a, “….huh. Okay.” Because there is no lead up to it. You literally cannot guess the full extent of it because it’s so out of left field. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is WILD. In the most delicious and bananas way.
So…I’m kind of in love with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME? It’s absolutely a friends’ horror night movie. And while the acting gets a bit shaky, Melissa Sue Anderson is KILLING IT. This would have been a dumpster fire if not for her superb acting as the main character, which is full of grace and vulnerability. I wish this had been the movie to really catapult her career into movies because it would have been well-earned.
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Brainroll Juice:
I’m always curious about birthday horror movies. Partly because my birthday is in October, obviously, but also there’s something so personal about one’s birthday. In many horror tropes, the birthday usually signifies a coming of age, quite literally as the day is usually the beginning of a nightmare. It can signal a child becoming an adult and regaining mysterious powers like in Teen Witch. Or a prophesied catastrophe, like Good Omens. Or the worst day of your life, like VFW.
There is something inherently sacred about one’s day of birth a day to be protected and cherished. And when something threatens that, it becomes profane and twisted. And it’s an interesting focus in horror because it is so, so personal. We have seen bodies after bodies fallen during slumber parties, camping trips, Halloween nights, summer camps, but when it becomes personal, death becomes a different threat on one’s own birthday. It’s an inherent and intimate tragedy. To be taken from this world on the day you were given to this world, it’s chilling.
Murder, She Wrote Quota:
So, I have this running thing about how most horror movies in the 1980’s have at least one person who was in Murder, She Wrote because, bless, that show had everyone in it. I think I’m in it. Somewhere. If you lived in the 80’s, you’re probably in it, too, and don’t even know.
And it’s probably on my top ten shows of all time, so, I’ll make a running tally this year for shits and giggles. I was going to say who was in it and what episode, but that’s tedious, so just a yes or no will do it. If you wanna search who, knock yourself out.
When not ravaging through the wilds of Detroit with Jellybeans the Cat, J.M. Brannyk (a.k.a. Boxhuman) reviews mostly supernatural and slasher films from the 70's-90's and is dubiously HauntedMTL's Voice of Reason.
Aside from writing, Brannyk dips into the podcasts, and is the composer of many of HauntedMTL's podcast themes.
This is a great idea and fun review series. I am catching up on several and finally just came to this one, and I love the Murder She Wrote them. Adult birthdays suck. My grandfather died in a sailboating accident on my eleventh birthday and it hasn’t been the same since. Other family history from around that time of year has always held a cloud over the occasion though. There’s something about coming to recognize one’s own mortality then that other days just don’t have as much presence with. Being and unbecoming as it were.
We’ve reached the final episode of American Horror Stories, season three. After the ups and downs of the season, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt that we were due a big finish, Killer Queens. But I feared we were in for a big letdown.
As it turns out, The Thing Under The Bed was neither.
The story
We begin our story with a little girl named Mary, who is scared of something under her bed. She sneaks out of her room, only to be caught by her father and sent back to sleep. And of course, there is something horrible waiting for her under her bed.
This scene cuts away to a woman named Jillian. She has strange dreams, including one about Mary. But her husband, Mark, doesn’t want to hear about it. He’s only interested in a little lovemaking because he wants a baby. Jillian doesn’t, which makes total sense because she’s already married to one. But her irritation with her childish husband goes away when he goes away. And by goes away, I mean he’s sloppily devoured by something vicious under their bed.
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What worked
In short, this episode just worked. The acting was professional and believable. The cinematography and lighting work were wonderful, adding spooky effects and startling moments without impairing visibility.
Best of all, the story was solid. There were no plotholes to be found. Our main character, Jillian, was relatable and sympathetic.
This was maybe my favorite part of the story. I thought Jillian was a remarkably sympathetic character. She was dealt a hand she never asked for, having her husband slaughtered in their bedroom. I don’t think she missed him, so much as she was afraid of the legal ramifications of being caught with literal blood on her hands.
Then, when it would have been safest for her to just lay low and save up for a good defense attorney, she instead goes into unlikely hero mode. She does her best to save people, putting herself in legal and physical danger. It’s hard not to root for her.
It’s also a little hard not to root for the antagonist, too. I don’t want to ruin the twist for you, so I’m going to tread lightly here. But it’s great when you have an antagonist who might be off their rocker, but also maybe has a point.
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What didn’t work
I can only really think of one complaint with this episode. And that is how frequently one character says the word Chickadee. And if you’ve seen the episode, you know what I am talking about.
I get it, he has a pet name for his daughter. It’s adorable. It’s meant to convey that the two of them have a healthy loving relationship and I get it. We all get it. Blind monks get it. But the fact remains that no parent on Earth calls their kid by their pet name every single time they speak an individual sentence to them. It was just too damn much.
All in all, this was a good episode. It was a classic story, turned on its head, told by professionals from start to finish. And I hope that if there is another season, we see more stories like this one. But after the efforts put into this season at large, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last we see of American Horror Stories.
If you’ve watched enough short-form horror anthology shows, you’ll notice that some stories are mainstays. Each show seems to put on the same sort of episodes, with the occasional surprising storyline that we’ve never (or at least rarely) seen before.
Leprechaun was an example of a repeated story—the story of a greedy thief whose punishment far outweighs the crime.
The story
We begin our story in 1841, with a drunk man leaving the bar one late night. He’s distracted by something glowing at the end of the well. When he reaches down for the glowing thing, he falls in. Moments later, he screams.
We then cut to the modern day. The well is still there, and now it’s surrounded by a dying town. In this town lives a young man named Colin. He’s married, his wife is pregnant, and he’s out of work. Like many of his friends.
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Desperate for cash, Colin and his friends decide to rob a bank. They put together an Equate version of Ocean’s Eleven, and break in one night. But, of course, they find that the gold is nothing more than bait. And the creature waiting for them is something they never expected.
What worked
The first thing I want to point out is how real this episode felt. At least to anyone currently living in the same small town they grew up in. These characters felt like guys I went to school with. Guys I would see at the bar.
I appreciated the real anger and frustration these characters are feeling. Especially Colin. He’s bitter, and maybe he has a right to be. He did exactly what he was supposed to do to succeed. He went to school and invested in his career, and yet now he’s out of work and struggling to support his family. I probably don’t need to tell you how that feels. Because of this, we can all kind of understand why he was tempted to rob a bank.
I also want to talk about the fact that this was, as I said, an often-explored story. That can be a bad thing, but it can also be a good thing. This story is told over and over because it’s a good story. A relatable story. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
What didn’t work
That being said, this version didn’t try to do much to break out of the mold.
Because we have seen this story so many times, most of us could tell the story themselves. I would have expected something new, or some twist. But, in the end, the story didn’t bring anything new to the discussion.
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Maybe because of this, the ending left a lot to be desired. Trapped in the basement of the bank, everyone just sort of stares at everyone else, until the thieves give up. And that’s it. The ending wasn’t scary, shocking, or funny. It was just sad, on multiple levels.
Overall, this was an okay story. It was entertaining, if not surprising. I would compare this episode to homemade macaroni and cheese. Everyone’s got their own version, they’re all pretty good, and none of them are exciting.
There’s just one episode left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope they’ve saved the best for last.
We begin our story late at night, with a hospital security guard named Malcolm. He is frightened one night when he sees a woman with a distorted face in the hospital parking lot.
We then joined an RN named Claire. She’s doing her best to explain to a struggling mother that the hospital will not be able to treat her son with cancer because she can’t afford the treatment.
Not like she’s happy about it.
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Fortunately, Dr. Nostrum, played by the legend Henry Winkler, swoops in at the last moment to tell the mother that her son qualifies for a special place in his cancer treatment clinic.
Claire is lamenting the fact that she became an RN to help people, but it feels like she isn’t doing anything good. Then, she and her friend Lilly stumble upon the same woman who menaced Malcom the night before.
While Claire is trying to figure out what’s wrong with this woman, she brutally slaughters an orderly and vanishes into the hospital. But not before struggling to say two words to Claire. Ward X.
What worked
I want to start by praising the effects of this episode. Because they were fantastic. Aided by the black and white filming, the bloody and distorted faces of Alice and her fellow victims are nightmarish. They look like a horrific version of Lockjaw taken to a terrifying extreme.
I also want to discuss the fantastic work of Henry Winkler. He is an absolute legend and never has a bad project.
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Winkler’s character in this episode was exactly what we’d expect from him. He seems genuinely warm and kind, concerned about others’ well-being. Even when he’s planning to kill Claire, he comes off as such a caring guy.
Finally, I want to talk about the historical significance of this story. Because, like I always say, the scariest stories are the ones based on truth. And I’m sorry to say, this story has a basis in truth.
Mankind has a dark and twisted history when it comes to medical advances. Most doctors and scientists are good, moral people who abide by the first line of the Hippocratic oath, to first do no harm. Some, historically, are little more than monsters in white coats. Consider the Tuskegee Experiment, Unit 731, and the horrific acts of Josef Mengele. If you’re going to look up that middle one, be warned that it is NSFL.
While this episode of American Horror Stories was a work of fiction, it wasn’t that far off. I don’t think many of us want to admit how close to real life it was. This is the gift of good horror, to force us to come face to face with the worst aspects of humanity. To acknowledge them, accept them, and change them.
All in all, this was a perfect episode. The acting, the effects and the story were all top-shelf. And it’s certainly a story that will stick with you.
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There are just two episodes left in this season of American Horror Stories. Let’s hope that they reach closer to the quality of X, and away from the dull and dismal episodes that began the second half of this season.
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Jennifer Weigel
October 8, 2023 at 5:51 pm
This is a great idea and fun review series. I am catching up on several and finally just came to this one, and I love the Murder She Wrote them. Adult birthdays suck. My grandfather died in a sailboating accident on my eleventh birthday and it hasn’t been the same since. Other family history from around that time of year has always held a cloud over the occasion though. There’s something about coming to recognize one’s own mortality then that other days just don’t have as much presence with. Being and unbecoming as it were.