
Review: Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
Blow out your candles and I hope you wished for a review, because I take a look at this 80’s b-horror, Happy Birthday to Me.
So. I’m another year older this month. Happy birthday to me. And I’ve always have done something special on my birthday because I’m one of “those people”. Maybe an apple orchard. Maybe fighting robots TO THE DEATH. Maybe an ice cream dinosaur party. Looking for sea glass on Lake Huron.
However, to be frank, after my divorce from glorious spouse earlier this year, it’s been a bit lackluster around these parts. The shine is taken off. Most my friends are miles and kilometers away. I’ve been just kinda rolling around and figuring where this rolling stone will fall.
Birthdays are becoming, sadly, adult. Not sexy adult. Lame adult. Like “socks are great gifts” adult.
BUT GUESS WHO’S BACK JUST IN TIME FOR SPOOPY SEASON??
I feel spooky-season coursing through my veins. I bleed pumpkin-spiced blood. I am the night. King of the pumpkin patch. Back from the dead, baybeee.
So come celebrate spooky season and my birthday month with me as I go through 31 horror movies this month. And maybe 31-ish horror reviews? Maybe? I mean I sometimes have a life. Regardless, all 31 films that are new and fresh to me. Not one repeat, friends. No re-watches. Clean, virginal eyes on each one.
So, let’s get to it. Starting with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
The Plot of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME:
Ginny has everything. She has a doting father, an enormous house, some terrible but elite friends, and a terrible but elite school she attends. But one thing she doesn’t have is a mom. Well, she did, but then there was that freak accident that Ginny still can’t remember.
However, now that she’s settling back into her old life and getting ready for her birthday, people keep dying. What the heck is going on? And what happened to her mom? And her brain? And her panties?
Oh, it was one of her so-called friends who took her panties? Welcome to the ’80’s.
Thoughts:
Campy good fun because HOLY MOLY it makes absolutely no sense. Screenplay by three people? I believe it because what a weird and wild ride as the story seemed to split into completely three different stories. A kind of exquisite corpse of a movie. Not like we, at Hauntedmtl, know anything about that.
Her so-called friends (they’re horrible people) are dying by a mysterious killer. She was part of some kind of brain experiment after the accident. Her mom died a mysterious death that no one will talk about. And her therapist is, like, way too close to her. Like, there’s a lot to unpack.
And even when you get to the end, the plot twist is more of a, “….huh. Okay.” Because there is no lead up to it. You literally cannot guess the full extent of it because it’s so out of left field. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME is WILD. In the most delicious and bananas way.
So…I’m kind of in love with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME? It’s absolutely a friends’ horror night movie. And while the acting gets a bit shaky, Melissa Sue Anderson is KILLING IT. This would have been a dumpster fire if not for her superb acting as the main character, which is full of grace and vulnerability. I wish this had been the movie to really catapult her career into movies because it would have been well-earned.
Brainroll Juice:
I’m always curious about birthday horror movies. Partly because my birthday is in October, obviously, but also there’s something so personal about one’s birthday. In many horror tropes, the birthday usually signifies a coming of age, quite literally as the day is usually the beginning of a nightmare. It can signal a child becoming an adult and regaining mysterious powers like in Teen Witch. Or a prophesied catastrophe, like Good Omens. Or the worst day of your life, like VFW.
There is something inherently sacred about one’s day of birth a day to be protected and cherished. And when something threatens that, it becomes profane and twisted. And it’s an interesting focus in horror because it is so, so personal. We have seen bodies after bodies fallen during slumber parties, camping trips, Halloween nights, summer camps, but when it becomes personal, death becomes a different threat on one’s own birthday. It’s an inherent and intimate tragedy. To be taken from this world on the day you were given to this world, it’s chilling.
Murder, She Wrote Quota:
So, I have this running thing about how most horror movies in the 1980’s have at least one person who was in Murder, She Wrote because, bless, that show had everyone in it. I think I’m in it. Somewhere. If you lived in the 80’s, you’re probably in it, too, and don’t even know.
And it’s probably on my top ten shows of all time, so, I’ll make a running tally this year for shits and giggles. I was going to say who was in it and what episode, but that’s tedious, so just a yes or no will do it. If you wanna search who, knock yourself out.
Bottomline:
Campy and twisty-weird plot. Great for a b-movie night this Halloween season.
Movies n TV
Wheel of Time A Question of Crimson Is a Political Espionage Delight
Episode two of Wheel of Time felt like the beginning of a long journey. Stories are unfolding, lives are changing, and blood is spilling.
Let’s discuss.
The story
We begin this episode in the past with Elayne’s mother, Queen Morgase. It turns out her rise to the throne was a bit, shall we say, cutthroat. So when she shows up at the White Tower, Siuan is concerned.
She might have reason to be, too.
Meanwhile, Rand, Egwene, Moiraine, Lan and Aviendha are in the Spine of The World. As they travel through some of the most breathtaking lands I have ever seen on a TV show, Egwene is plagued with nightmares. We think at first that’s just her trauma working itself through her system. But we soon find out that it might not be that straightforward.
Finally, Perrin returns home to heal after his hand is almost cut in half. But when he gets there he finds the town has been infested by Children of The Light. And they’re looking for him.
What worked
There was something heartwarming in this episode about political espionage and choking religious persecution. And that is Elayne’s relationship with her family.
I have consumed a lot of fantasy content with royal families. And I have never once heard a princess call her mother ‘Mum’. I’ve never seen royal siblings get along. And I have sure as hell never seen a princess have a good relationship with her step-parent.
This was refreshing. Even though Queen Morgase is kind of a horrible person she seems like a good mother. And that’s an unexpected delight.
Of course, this is just one storyline among many. And while this can sometimes be overwhelming, in this case it wasn’t.
I’ll be honest, some of these storylines are going to drag for me. I know this because I’ve read some of the Wheel of Time books and I have an idea that not all the characters exactly pique my interest.
No one likes all the characters. No one likes all the storylines. While I am here for the political espionage between Queen Morgase and Siuan, not everyone likes it. While others might be fascinated with Selene trying to win Rand back, I couldn’t care less.
Having multiple storylines keeps everyone’s attention better. So long as things don’t get out of hand. Things can easily get out of hand. But this seems to be managed well.
So far.
What didn’t work
As I mentioned above, I’m not thrilled with Rand’s story at this point. And while it’s fine to not like a storyline when there are this many to choose from, it’s not fantastic that the one I like the least is the one involving our two main characters. And anytime we were with the team at the Spine of The World, the only thing that brought me joy was Moirain’s hat. It reminded me of Stockard Channing’s hat in Practical Magic.
The problem is that Rand is Charlie Brown with controversial magical powers. He is boring, serious, and pessimistic.
And yes, I understand that he has a heavy emotional burden and he’s the Dragon Reborn and that’s quite taxing and all. But let’s be fair, there isn’t a single person in this show that doesn’t have a heavy burden. And most of them manage to be fun occasionally.
All that being said, this episode of Wheel of Time did exactly what it needed to do. It set up conflicts at each of the three locations. It established emotional ties between the characters and the events. And it established goals for everyone.
This was, in short, a solid episode. Not groundbreaking, not mind-blowing or life changing. It was simply good. It was entertaining and moved the plot forward.
Well done.
Movies n TV
Wheel of Time Returns With A Bang
Wheel of Time is back for season three. There are mixed feelings regarding this. Last season, there were some serious pacing issues. And some serious sticking to the book’s storyline issues. But we’re two seasons in, and we don’t give up so easily. So let’s dive into episode one, To Race the Shadow.
By the way, I highly recommend watching this episode with the subtitles on. You’ll see why.
The story
We begin this episode with Liandrin facing a trial of sorts for her rampant betrayal. She does her best to gaslight her Aes Sedai sisters into thinking that Siuan Sanche is the real traitor.
When that doesn’t work, she reveals how many Black Aes Sedai have actually infiltrated the tower.
Spoiler, it’s a lot.
In the aftermath, our whole team gathers to drink and enjoy one night of relaxation before they head out to the Tear to form an army for Rand. All is going well until they’re attacked by myriad creatures and a sentient axe.
What worked
This episode was long. It had a run time of an hour and eleven minutes. And a lot of that run time was spent in heavy dialog scenes.
Fortunately, these were well-done scenes.
If you’re going to have a lot of talking scenes, there are good ways and bad ways to do it. Last season, we saw lots of examples of the bad way to do it. But this episode did it well. For one thing, other things were going on while conversations were taking place. The characters are drinking, playing games, walking through an interesting city. And the scenes themselves didn’t stretch out. They weren’t repetitive. We heard what the character had to say, then we moved on.
It was also nice that the point of these scenes wasn’t just info dumps. We had character development. We had romantic interactions. We had plot development and foreshadowing.
Overall, this episode felt like what it was. A moment of calm before a storm.
Taking a step back, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the fight scene at the start of the episode. Because it was epic.
The magic looked amazing. The martial arts that went along with it looked fantastic. The costumes were beautiful. It was just incredibly fun to watch.
More than that, it was emotional. We lost some characters in that fight that were important. And it was clearly emotionally shattering for many of our characters, who found themselves betrayed by people they trusted.
So many of them.
It was a great way to open the season.
What didn’t work
Despite that, this episode wasn’t without its flaws.
First off, there were a lot of dialog scenes. And they were good scenes, as I’ve already discussed. But it was one after another after another. And when your episode is, again, an hour and eleven minutes, it’s maybe a little much to have so much chit-chat. Couldn’t some of these conversations, important as they were, have been moved to maybe another episode?
Finally, I want to talk about Egwene’s travel through the arches.
I feel like maybe there were some deleted scenes here. Because there must have been more to that visit than what we saw, right?
We could have seen Egwene battle Rand. That would have been badass and emotionally devastating. We could have seen her with a quiet life with Rand back home at the Two Rivers. We could have seen anything except for the quick clip of Rand in a bloody river, followed by Egwene being shoved back out in a bloody shift.
Bad job. But at least it wasn’t an extended scene of Moiraine collecting bathwater, and then taking a bath while looking sad. If we’d started this season with another scene like that, it might have broken my brain.
Amazon dropped the first three episodes at once. So we’ll be back soon to talk about episode two. See you then.
Movies n TV
Entertaining as hell: Eight Legged Freaks (2002) Review
Early 2000s is a special era for the industry. It accepts the cheesiness and corniness of movie making, in turn producing some gems in their own right. Eight Legged Freaks starring David Arquette and young Scarlet Johanson is a horror comedy about giant spiders who overtake a small town. As crazy as that premise sounds, the movie surprisingly has a ton of heart and is super entertaining. Let’s review, shall we?
Plot
We start Eight Legged Freaks with a shot of toxic waste spilling into the water supply of Joshua, a spider farm owner. He is friends with Mike, one of our protagonists, who is a science geek and a spider enthusiast. Mike notices something quite right upon visiting Joshua, but no one takes him seriously. We are then introduced to the rest of the crew. Mike’s mother Samantha, the town sheriff, is too busy chasing Ashley, his sister, who is dating the town mayor’s son Bret (something Samantha does not approve of). We also have Chris, who returns to the town to save his father’s legacy in the town mines. He has opposition from Wade, Bret’s father, who wants to use the mines for his business ventures. Lots of drama going on that will only get juicier once the spiders get loose.
The creepy crawlies quickly dispose of Joshua and make their grand appearance after Ashley rejects Bret’s advances, abandoning him in the middle of a desert. A glorious chase sequence ensues as the spiders make their way towards the town, wreaking havoc on its residents. In a true horror fashion (which the movie acknowledges), it takes some convincing from Mike and then from Samantha for the town to take the threat seriously. The tongue-in-cheek style of narrative adds the comedy aspect to a movie that would otherwise burn out fairly quickly.
The remaining characters hide out in a shopping mall as it’s the only somewhat sturdy building in the area. This doesn’t last long as the spiders break in, forcing them to run through the mines. Their resources to fight the creepy crawlies off are limited as the methane gas doesn’t allow them to use firearms. Such conditions require resourceful thinking from Chris, who uses perfume to fend off the leader of the spider group and save himself during the climax of the movie.
Character dynamics are not forgotten once the action kicks in. We have Chris confessing his long-term feelings for Samantha which she knew all along, which provided some comedic relief. Bret also reunites with Ashley and apologises for being an asshole. Mike finally gets the appreciation he deserves as his knowledge saves the townsfolk more than once during the whole ordeal.
We end the movie with the town’s radio show person telling the story as an urban legend during his segment. This brings it into question – how much of it happened the way he said it did? We can only guess…
Overall thoughts
Eight Legged Freaks is a fun creature feature with some self-aware commentary on genre tropes that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The acting is good, the pacing fitting and the characters are likeable enough for you to want them to make it through. Definitely a must watch, if you don’t suffer from arachnophobia, that is.
Jennifer Weigel
October 8, 2023 at 5:51 pm
This is a great idea and fun review series. I am catching up on several and finally just came to this one, and I love the Murder She Wrote them. Adult birthdays suck. My grandfather died in a sailboating accident on my eleventh birthday and it hasn’t been the same since. Other family history from around that time of year has always held a cloud over the occasion though. There’s something about coming to recognize one’s own mortality then that other days just don’t have as much presence with. Being and unbecoming as it were.