LTD: Local Business Misunderstands Employees’ Demand for Hybrid Workplace
INDEPENDENCE, OHIO – Employees of a local call center are frustrated with their employers’ implementation of a new business model for 2021. Jason Argon, who has worked for Service Direct Communications for several years, spoke to the media this week about the situation. “They let us work from home for most of 2020 because of the pandemic,” Mr. Argon explained, “but they wanted us to come back to the office after people got vaccinated. They said they did some survey and most employees wanted a hybrid model for the workplace. We definitely said that, but they took it in a different direction.”
Instead of allowing employees to continue telecommuting several days per week, as employees expected, Service Direct Communications reached out to the company’s international office to bring in additional employees. “When we came back to the office, they said they had this big announcement,” Mr. Argon continued. “Then they brought the centaurs in.”
“Some people quit during the pandemic, so they thought we needed more staff. But no one really expected this,” Mr. Argon explained.
The centaur employees, who arrived from Greece and have been working in the phone bank, are not the only hybrid creatures in the office building. “The centaurs have been working out OK, but they needed a lot of extra cleaning up after. So HR brought in some satyrs as custodians. They’re pretty friendly, I guess, but the sound of their hooves is really starting to drive me up the wall. Also, I think they are fermenting grapes or something in one of the toilets.”
Due to the large appetites of the centaurs, the staff at the workplace cafeteria needed reinforcements. “They hired these harpies to work there, but they are really mean and they keep most of the food for themselves. Last time I tried to buy lunch, one of them pecked at me and made fun of my shoes. They’re really filthy, too, so the satyrs don’t like them either.”
Mr. Argon said the most difficult adjustment has come from the recent lack of tech support. “They thought the Minotaur was really smart, because he figured out the labyrinth and everything. So they put him in IT, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing and just smashes stuff when he gets mad. I’m on my fourth laptop now.”
Many call center employees have been updating their resumes and looking for different employment. However, Mr. Argon has decided to make the best of the situation. “I was getting bored at home, so at least it’s something different. Also, the new lamia in HR is kind of hot and I think she likes me. Yeah, she’s half snake, but 2020 was pretty lonely, if you know what I mean.” When asked for comment, the lamia in question said, “Ew, no. I’m not into guys with two legs. Some of those centaurs are looking pretty good, though.”
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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