LTD: Couple Wins $10.2 Million in Hookman Auto Insurance Settlement
Another auto insurance settlement ruled in favor of a couple, awarding them $10.2 million, after they were attacked by a hook-handed mass-murderer.
The high school couple had heard of the Hookman, a local serial killer with a meat hook in place of his right hand who is known for seeking out isolated lovers in parked cars and then murdering them alongside the road. But nonetheless, they had driven to “Lover’s Lane” a secluded quiet spot in the woods off the road apiece that is known to attract kids looking to meet up and get high.
The pair was making out in the back of their Yugo when the killer assaulted their car. They heard a scraping along the side of the vehicle and something metallic ring against the door. Alarmed, they withdrew from their tryst and drove off as fast as they could. They stopped far from the site, got out, and checked on the vehicle only to find it all scratched up with a metal hook caught in the passenger side door, which was splattered with blood.
“Sure, I’d heard of the Hookman, but I thought it was just an urban myth people told to keep explorative kids in line,” one partner said in an interview. “My mom was so mad about how scraped up and bloodied the car was, she grounded me for a month. And I was so freaked out I couldn’t sleep. One day I thought I saw a hook in one of the window frames of the apartment but it turned out to be just a plant hanger that my mom left there from last season.”
The interviewee went on, “Since I was still grounded and was too scared to spend any sort of time in the car anyway, we just couldn’t get away or be alone together. We had to do something. The precedent had been established, and we were in the car, you know. Besides, there was a ton of body damage and that hook-thing was caught in the door frame. And my mom was still being a total Buzzkill about it all, saying next time we went out we’d have to be chaperoned and some such. Everything was bogus. But it was a totally legit insurance claim.”
Their partner declined to comment, withdrawing from the press. Together they determined to seek reparations for damages from their auto insurance company, to help with their mental health concerns and therapy as well as to repair damages to the car. They said they got the idea after learning about an STI case from Missouri.
The insurance company tried to convince the court that it was all a hoax and that the hook had been planted and the car roughed up to try to make a larger case.
“It’s just some high school kids gold-digging,” the defending lawyer said. “Those key-scraping run-ins in the parking lot don’t fetch that much in damages, only enough to cover a simple paint job really. And that car they were driving wasn’t worth all that much anyway, very low trade-in value, so not much in the way of insurance monies coming in. Hell, it was a Yugo, for Christ’s sake – they were taking their lives into their own hands every time they went anywhere in that car shaped rusted metal coffin. And that Hookman legend is just an urban myth anyway. They tried to make this whole thing into something bigger, probably hoping to trade in on a Porsche or something.”
No one seemed to notice the claims adjuster lawyer’s hand clasped around the stump of a wrist where his other hand should have been, both discreetly hidden behind his back. Or the questionable stains on his black suit, for that matter.
Other frightening severed appendages that have made the Haunted MTL Lighter than Dark newsreel can be found here:
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
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