LTD: Couple Wins $10.2 Million in Hookman Auto Insurance Settlement
Another auto insurance settlement ruled in favor of a couple, awarding them $10.2 million, after they were attacked by a hook-handed mass-murderer.
The high school couple had heard of the Hookman, a local serial killer with a meat hook in place of his right hand who is known for seeking out isolated lovers in parked cars and then murdering them alongside the road. But nonetheless, they had driven to “Lover’s Lane” a secluded quiet spot in the woods off the road apiece that is known to attract kids looking to meet up and get high.
The pair was making out in the back of their Yugo when the killer assaulted their car. They heard a scraping along the side of the vehicle and something metallic ring against the door. Alarmed, they withdrew from their tryst and drove off as fast as they could. They stopped far from the site, got out, and checked on the vehicle only to find it all scratched up with a metal hook caught in the passenger side door, which was splattered with blood.
“Sure, I’d heard of the Hookman, but I thought it was just an urban myth people told to keep explorative kids in line,” one partner said in an interview. “My mom was so mad about how scraped up and bloodied the car was, she grounded me for a month. And I was so freaked out I couldn’t sleep. One day I thought I saw a hook in one of the window frames of the apartment but it turned out to be just a plant hanger that my mom left there from last season.”
The interviewee went on, “Since I was still grounded and was too scared to spend any sort of time in the car anyway, we just couldn’t get away or be alone together. We had to do something. The precedent had been established, and we were in the car, you know. Besides, there was a ton of body damage and that hook-thing was caught in the door frame. And my mom was still being a total Buzzkill about it all, saying next time we went out we’d have to be chaperoned and some such. Everything was bogus. But it was a totally legit insurance claim.”
Their partner declined to comment, withdrawing from the press. Together they determined to seek reparations for damages from their auto insurance company, to help with their mental health concerns and therapy as well as to repair damages to the car. They said they got the idea after learning about an STI case from Missouri.
The insurance company tried to convince the court that it was all a hoax and that the hook had been planted and the car roughed up to try to make a larger case.
“It’s just some high school kids gold-digging,” the defending lawyer said. “Those key-scraping run-ins in the parking lot don’t fetch that much in damages, only enough to cover a simple paint job really. And that car they were driving wasn’t worth all that much anyway, very low trade-in value, so not much in the way of insurance monies coming in. Hell, it was a Yugo, for Christ’s sake – they were taking their lives into their own hands every time they went anywhere in that car shaped rusted metal coffin. And that Hookman legend is just an urban myth anyway. They tried to make this whole thing into something bigger, probably hoping to trade in on a Porsche or something.”
No one seemed to notice the claims adjuster lawyer’s hand clasped around the stump of a wrist where his other hand should have been, both discreetly hidden behind his back. Or the questionable stains on his black suit, for that matter.
Other frightening severed appendages that have made the Haunted MTL Lighter than Dark newsreel can be found here:
Catching Rats in Rat Traps
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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