LTD: Man Blames Tarot Cards For Murder Plot Against Ex
PORTLAND, OR. He was a skater boy. She said, see you later boy. That’s how the hipster couple, Stefan and Basil ended their eight year long relationship.
PORTLAND, OR. He was a skater boy. She said, see you later boy. That’s how the hipster couple, Stefan and Basil ended their eight year long relationship. Two world collided almost a decade ago and then boom, it ended over a Facebook Messenger text. Apparently, Stefan told his skate brothers they broke up because Basil was up his ass all the time. He was always boarding instead of participating in couples yoga, reiki practices, and guided meditations with her. However, we gained access to Stefan’s phone, and we read the breakup messages ourselves because that’s what good reporters do. Here’s how it went.
Basil: I’m stoked that you landed that half pipe crack pipe trick or whatever, but I need you. You’re never home. I’m always chanting positive affirmations to myself because you never give me any loving energy anymore. What I’m trying to say is, Stefan, this is el fin of our relationship.
I’ll put your Monster Energy 12 pack at the end of the hallway. It was crowding my kombucha and kimchi in the fridge anyway. Seriously Stefan, have a probiotic once in awhile. You’ve got to be so backed up. Anyway, au revoir Steffie.
Stefan: I’m fucking a chick at the skate rink anyway, hag.
Based on these text messages, one can assume that Stefan was very bothered because he wanted to seem so unbothered. This would be a clever move, but every straight man ever has done the exact same thing when rejected. Silly Stefan. Tony Hawk will never love you, and neither will Basil.
Later that day, Stefan was seen by three witnesses entering a metaphysical shop, stealing a deck of tarot cards, and knocking over a display of crystals to create an obstacle between himself and the workers. He escaped, but his luck would soon run out.
That night, Stefan decided to use the tarot cards, which Basil always swore by, to figure out what to do about the breakup. He pulled The Empress, The Hanged Man, and The Death card. Now, since Stefan is an idiot he thought the Universe was telling him to kill his ex.
What Stefan failed to remember was that Basil is clairvoyant so he was fucked from the start. As he was preparing to murder her, she armed herself with sage, crystals, and the police. Within a matter of ten minutes, Stefan was arrested. The evidence against him was damning because he wrote this underneath the tarot cards.
Basil + Breaking Up With Me = Murder Basil in Cold Blood 🙂
So yeah, the cops locked his ass up.
The next day though, the cards came true. Stefan was found dead in his cell. Apparently, Basil had a witchy friend on the inside who helped stage the whole thing. Said witchy friend, who will remain anonymous confessed, “so I crushed up a daily vitamin and mixed it in with Stefan’s prison oatmeal. Basil told me Monster energy drink runs through Stefan’s veins so I knew the proper nutrients would send his body into overdrive. His vitamin levels spiked and then he drifted off to the other side.”
According to his cellmate, Stefan’s last words were, “If I die, make sure everyone knows it’s pronounced Stef-ON. Oh, and bury me with my board. Later… skater.” And then his heart stopped.
So I guess RIP to Stefan? But also WTF Stefan everyone is surprised you didn’t die sooner.
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
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