American Horror Story is one of the most popular horror shows in America. It’s also one of my favorite shows. It’s scary, bloody, sexy and full of enough twists to break someone’s brain.

Normally a Halloween staple, there wasn’t a new season in 2020. Because 2020 was a garbage fire. But there’s a rumor, just a rumor, that the new season will be coming out in June. 

Since we’ve all been going through withdrawals and stuck at home with nothing to do, I’m ready to bing some AHS. Seems like a great time to go through an episode-by-episode recap of all the previous seasons.

Warning: American Horror Story is not for kids. There’s blood, gore, sex, suicide, rape. If it can trigger you, it’s in here. Reviews of this show will reflect this. 

That’s out of the way. Let’s get to the fun part. While I have seen most of the seasons, I’m going to recap each episode like we just watched it together. There will be spoilers. There will also be fun, bad jokes and lots of blood. So pop some popcorn, open a bottle of wine, and let’s go back to where it all began. Episode one of Murder House; Pilot. 

We start with an exterior scene of the house itself. And this house, guys. Even knowing that there’s something in this place that wishes harm on me doesn’t make me not love this place. Stained glass windows, tiffany lighting, an eight burner range. This place is a love letter to function and form. (I studied interior design in school). 

Twin boys are doing what twin boys do. They had bats, and they wanted to go make some trouble in the abandoned house. After picking on little Addie, who’s chilling in the front yard, they head inside to bash stuff and throw poppers. Don’t judge, we were all little shits as kids. 

Of course, only death awaits the boys.

Cut now to the present day. We meet Vivien Harmon, who’s recovering from a traumatic miscarriage. Returning home, she hears someone upstairs when no one should be there. Thinking it’s a home invader, she heads upstairs with a big kitchen knife. Badass, Viv. Bad Ass. Unfortunately, it’s not a home invader. It’s her husband Ben, screwing one of his students. The butcher knife came in handy after all.

For some reason, they decide to work things out. They move across the country and into a beautiful LA Victorian. The murder house, of course. The parents hope it’s the fresh start they need. Their teenage daughter, Violet, doesn’t. She’s pissed at, well, the world. She’s a teenage girl, no one’s surprised.

Of course, you can’t leave your troubles behind if you’re still living with him.  Vivian can’t escape her anger at Ben, no more than the emotional pain of her miscarriage. Now she also has to deal with her racist, psycho new neighbor who doesn’t understand boundaries. 

Constance and her daughter Addie seem to come with the house. Addie likes to sneak in like she owns the place. Constance sneaks in as well, either to inflict herself on Vivian or chase after the child she both loves and is repulsed by. 

Moira, the housekeeper, also comes with the house. She seems like she’ll be a good friend to Vivian, who is going to need one. Too bad Moira seems to have a double face. Not a Jekyll and Hyde, so much as an Alice Nelson and Pussy Galore.

The house doesn’t seem like it’s going to be too bad, though. Well, except for the thing that lives in the basement and almost kills a teenage girl visiting Violet. Oh, and the BDSM suit in the attic that rapes Vivian. 

This is running long, so let’s just finish up with Tate. Played by Evan Peters, Tate’s a troubled teen that Ben is treating. Most psychiatrists know better than to see patients in their house. But Ben, who can’t even tell when his wife is wearing makeup and has spent hours on her hair, thinks nothing of it. Until Tate starts bonding with Violet. Who needs a friend like Tate like she needs a hole in the head. 

That’s it for this episode. Grab a bottle of Moscato and I’ll see you again on Sunday for episode two, Home Invasion.