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Hey ho, Web-a-rinos! Jim here filling in for Nicole as they ‘Vampire proof their flat’. T+E gifted me the seventh episode of their Web of Darkness series. If you’re unfamiliar with the series, the short of it is a quick n dirty anthology set off from a horror keyphrase vice. It’s a lil’ something for everyone and with that we jump straight in with our Spoiler Free (besides a preview of each story) cha-cha!

The Man in the Mirror

I watched this episode with my ‘forever co-host’ of Streamin’ Demons, Voodoo Priestess. We see a guy, who looks like a younger Jim (which was a bit freaky….Mom, is there something you need to tell me?), having his life flipped-turned upside down, even. You see there were these playground bullies who…no..wait..that’s Fresh Prince. This guy has it far worse as his life is one sneeze away from being on Dante’s circle of ‘things that can happen’ mixed with the fantastic.

The story is a strong first offering. The rooting in reality makes this story particularly sharp. A splendid game to play, though Voodoo swears it’s “Just Jim” that fears this. Try looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror – not from a distance but close up. Get in there real good. Make sure you can make eye contact. Have a bit of a staring contest. Does it creep you out? Creeps the crap outta Jim. Now add this as a base of the ‘parts of this definitely could happen’ and mix in a dash of the other-worldly.

Note: You don’t have to read this as other-worldly. I can’t give away my actual reaction to this without spoiling the episode but think of things more metaphorically…

Web of Darkness image of a man looking at himself in the mirror as a means of confronting his image.
Web of Darkness – Man in the Mirror

Fairies Wear Boots

The next short (no pun) brings us into the wilderness. Far from COVID lies a small cabin in the woods. As we all know, nothing bad ever happens to anyone in a cabin…in the woods. I mean, the woods are a great place. Who woluldn’t want to spend time amongst bears, wildcats, leprechauns, coyotes, insects, ticks, the undead, and an occasional community of boot wearing fairies?

This episode’s entire plot: Don’t be a dick (aka Jim Breuer rule #1).

Web of Darkness picture showing an antler that was broken off of a creature. The antler is on the porch with some blood near it.
Web of Darkness – Fairies Wear Boots…

Laundry Day

I’m not sure what the official title of this short is, but ‘laundry day’ seems to fit. Picture it – a secluded and exclusive farm community that has a bunch of young kids and one creep-ass adult (read as ‘cult’). What could possible go wrong…err…possibly go wrong?

I mean…have you ever heard of a bunch of mostly white folk wearing white sheets having bad intentions? *cough* I won’t spoil this but the setup is sorta like if Arkansas and Mississippi had a baby and voted on ‘how to solve a problem’ and this movie was their PR ‘charm campaign’.

A bunch of people wearing white sheets sitting in a semi-circle being talked at by an old white dude wearing white sheets. Web of Darkness picture.
Man, don’t you hate laundry day?

Ghost Dad (no, not that one)

A middle-aged man in the grips of a fresh divorce and his kid go house hunting in a pandemic. Let’s face it. Divorce sucks. There are no winners. I think that’s the genuine horror of this short. To top it off, the dude is left to look for a new house….in Canada…in the middle of a pandemic….and the highest housing market rocket-ship known in modern history. His best-case scenario is to get killed by whatever creature is waiting for him in this house.

A middle aged man looking out a window wondering what happened to his life. Web of Darkness picture.
Not saying the housing crisis is bad in Canada, but Jim wants to know when’s the next viewing?

Mannequin (not the Andrew McCarthy movie)

Nipples. That’s the thing that Jim noticed the most about this short. The absolute lack of nipples on this mannequin. Oh and I guess it’s missing hands or something. The set-up is simple – an out with the old/in with the new approach. This could go hand-in-hand with the previous short but you know, it has no hands. Someone call Jon LaJoie!

This could be something special here – I liked where this ‘almost’ went, but they steered away from the natural ending. I’m not sure ‘why’ – was it writing? Directing? Editing? It was an old tale that is told well – mostly. It doesn’t quite fall apart – just because it isn’t the way Jim would have done it doesn’t mean it isn’t done well. Give it a whirl and see what I mean. How would you do this episode?

A woman wearing white holding up a mannequin in a dated yellow dress.
How’d they get Jim’s prom date (left) to be in a short?!

Just how many Cthulhus?

As episode seven winds down, Voodoo gave her sign of approval ‘Not bad!’. I think that sums up this episode. It was a strong offering and rather enjoyable. I’m still not entirely certain the age range for this since it runs the gambit of ‘sex tape leaks’ to ‘fairies from folk lore’. When I said ‘a lil’ bit for everyone’ I meant it. The cool thing is, if one story isn’t for you – just hit FF and hit the one that is for you.

I’m not sure if having a voice over in every episode is a mandate (please stop this…please) but if it is (please stop) then it’s forgivable for the writers to keep using that. However, I wish they found better ways to incorporate the VO work. With that said, I tried to imagine it as descriptive audio like AMI has and it helped settle things back into the story instead of removing the viewer completely from the story.

All in all, the production is a slick and well-made series. The acting is decent and can move the story forward. The design and fX work is top notch, as always. If you’re in the mood for a quick little jaunt into horror, you can do far worse than Web of Darkness. It’s a fun little joint and worth a viewing or two.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)
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Movies n TV

Wheel of Time A Question of Crimson Is a Political Espionage Delight

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Episode two of Wheel of Time felt like the beginning of a long journey. Stories are unfolding, lives are changing, and blood is spilling.

Let’s discuss.

The story

We begin this episode in the past with Elayne’s mother, Queen Morgase. It turns out her rise to the throne was a bit, shall we say, cutthroat. So when she shows up at the White Tower, Siuan is concerned.

She might have reason to be, too.

Meanwhile, Rand, Egwene, Moiraine, Lan and Aviendha are in the Spine of The World. As they travel through some of the most breathtaking lands I have ever seen on a TV show, Egwene is plagued with nightmares. We think at first that’s just her trauma working itself through her system. But we soon find out that it might not be that straightforward.

Finally, Perrin returns home to heal after his hand is almost cut in half. But when he gets there he finds the town has been infested by Children of The Light. And they’re looking for him.

What worked

There was something heartwarming in this episode about political espionage and choking religious persecution. And that is Elayne’s relationship with her family.

I have consumed a lot of fantasy content with royal families. And I have never once heard a princess call her mother ‘Mum’. I’ve never seen royal siblings get along. And I have sure as hell never seen a princess have a good relationship with her step-parent.

This was refreshing. Even though Queen Morgase is kind of a horrible person she seems like a good mother. And that’s an unexpected delight.

Dónal Finn in Wheel of Time A Question of Crimson

Of course, this is just one storyline among many. And while this can sometimes be overwhelming, in this case it wasn’t.

I’ll be honest, some of these storylines are going to drag for me. I know this because I’ve read some of the Wheel of Time books and I have an idea that not all the characters exactly pique my interest.

No one likes all the characters. No one likes all the storylines. While I am here for the political espionage between Queen Morgase and Siuan, not everyone likes it. While others might be fascinated with Selene trying to win Rand back, I couldn’t care less.

Having multiple storylines keeps everyone’s attention better. So long as things don’t get out of hand. Things can easily get out of hand. But this seems to be managed well.

So far.

What didn’t work

As I mentioned above, I’m not thrilled with Rand’s story at this point. And while it’s fine to not like a storyline when there are this many to choose from, it’s not fantastic that the one I like the least is the one involving our two main characters. And anytime we were with the team at the Spine of The World, the only thing that brought me joy was Moirain’s hat. It reminded me of Stockard Channing’s hat in Practical Magic.

The problem is that Rand is Charlie Brown with controversial magical powers. He is boring, serious, and pessimistic.

And yes, I understand that he has a heavy emotional burden and he’s the Dragon Reborn and that’s quite taxing and all. But let’s be fair, there isn’t a single person in this show that doesn’t have a heavy burden. And most of them manage to be fun occasionally.

Daniel Henney and Josha Stradowski in Wheel of Time.

All that being said, this episode of Wheel of Time did exactly what it needed to do. It set up conflicts at each of the three locations. It established emotional ties between the characters and the events. And it established goals for everyone.

This was, in short, a solid episode. Not groundbreaking, not mind-blowing or life changing. It was simply good. It was entertaining and moved the plot forward.

Well done.

3.5 out of 5 stars (3.5 / 5)
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Movies n TV

Wheel of Time Returns With A Bang

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Wheel of Time is back for season three. There are mixed feelings regarding this. Last season, there were some serious pacing issues. And some serious sticking to the book’s storyline issues. But we’re two seasons in, and we don’t give up so easily. So let’s dive into episode one, To Race the Shadow.

By the way, I highly recommend watching this episode with the subtitles on. You’ll see why.

The story

We begin this episode with Liandrin facing a trial of sorts for her rampant betrayal. She does her best to gaslight her Aes Sedai sisters into thinking that Siuan Sanche is the real traitor.

When that doesn’t work, she reveals how many Black Aes Sedai have actually infiltrated the tower.

Spoiler, it’s a lot.

In the aftermath, our whole team gathers to drink and enjoy one night of relaxation before they head out to the Tear to form an army for Rand. All is going well until they’re attacked by myriad creatures and a sentient axe.

What worked

This episode was long. It had a run time of an hour and eleven minutes. And a lot of that run time was spent in heavy dialog scenes.

Fortunately, these were well-done scenes.

If you’re going to have a lot of talking scenes, there are good ways and bad ways to do it. Last season, we saw lots of examples of the bad way to do it. But this episode did it well. For one thing, other things were going on while conversations were taking place. The characters are drinking, playing games, walking through an interesting city. And the scenes themselves didn’t stretch out. They weren’t repetitive. We heard what the character had to say, then we moved on.

It was also nice that the point of these scenes wasn’t just info dumps. We had character development. We had romantic interactions. We had plot development and foreshadowing.

Overall, this episode felt like what it was. A moment of calm before a storm.

Taking a step back, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the fight scene at the start of the episode. Because it was epic.

The magic looked amazing. The martial arts that went along with it looked fantastic. The costumes were beautiful. It was just incredibly fun to watch.

More than that, it was emotional. We lost some characters in that fight that were important. And it was clearly emotionally shattering for many of our characters, who found themselves betrayed by people they trusted.

So many of them.

It was a great way to open the season.

What didn’t work

Despite that, this episode wasn’t without its flaws.

First off, there were a lot of dialog scenes. And they were good scenes, as I’ve already discussed. But it was one after another after another. And when your episode is, again, an hour and eleven minutes, it’s maybe a little much to have so much chit-chat. Couldn’t some of these conversations, important as they were, have been moved to maybe another episode?

Finally, I want to talk about Egwene’s travel through the arches.

Still from Wheel of Time season three, episode one.

I feel like maybe there were some deleted scenes here. Because there must have been more to that visit than what we saw, right?

We could have seen Egwene battle Rand. That would have been badass and emotionally devastating. We could have seen her with a quiet life with Rand back home at the Two Rivers. We could have seen anything except for the quick clip of Rand in a bloody river, followed by Egwene being shoved back out in a bloody shift.

Bad job. But at least it wasn’t an extended scene of Moiraine collecting bathwater, and then taking a bath while looking sad. If we’d started this season with another scene like that, it might have broken my brain.

Amazon dropped the first three episodes at once. So we’ll be back soon to talk about episode two. See you then.

4 out of 5 stars (4 / 5)
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Movies n TV

Entertaining as hell: Eight Legged Freaks (2002) Review

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Early 2000s is a special era for the industry. It accepts the cheesiness and corniness of movie making, in turn producing some gems in their own right. Eight Legged Freaks starring David Arquette and young Scarlet Johanson is a horror comedy about giant spiders who overtake a small town. As crazy as that premise sounds, the movie surprisingly has a ton of heart and is super entertaining. Let’s review, shall we? 

Plot

We start Eight Legged Freaks with a shot of toxic waste spilling into the water supply of Joshua, a spider farm owner. He is friends with Mike, one of our protagonists, who is a science geek and a spider enthusiast. Mike notices something quite right upon visiting Joshua, but no one takes him seriously. We are then introduced to the rest of the crew. Mike’s mother Samantha, the town sheriff, is too busy chasing Ashley, his sister, who is dating the town mayor’s son Bret (something Samantha does not approve of). We also have Chris, who returns to the town to save his father’s legacy in the town mines. He has opposition from Wade, Bret’s father, who wants to use the mines for his business ventures. Lots of drama going on that will only get juicier once the spiders get loose. 

The creepy crawlies quickly dispose of Joshua and make their grand appearance after Ashley rejects Bret’s advances, abandoning him in the middle of a desert. A glorious chase sequence ensues as the spiders make their way towards the town, wreaking havoc on its residents. In a true horror fashion (which the movie acknowledges), it takes some convincing from Mike and then from Samantha for the town to take the threat seriously. The tongue-in-cheek style of narrative adds the comedy aspect to a movie that would otherwise burn out fairly quickly. 

The remaining characters hide out in a shopping mall as it’s the only somewhat sturdy building in the area. This doesn’t last long as the spiders break in, forcing them to run through the mines. Their resources to fight the creepy crawlies off are limited as the methane gas doesn’t allow them to use firearms. Such conditions require resourceful thinking from Chris, who uses perfume to fend off the leader of the spider group and save himself during the climax of the movie. 

Character dynamics are not forgotten once the action kicks in. We have Chris confessing his long-term feelings for Samantha which she knew all along, which provided some comedic relief. Bret also reunites with Ashley and apologises for being an asshole. Mike finally gets the appreciation he deserves as his knowledge saves the townsfolk more than once during the whole ordeal. 

We end the movie with the town’s radio show person telling the story as an urban legend during his segment. This brings it into question – how much of it happened the way he said it did? We can only guess… 

Overall thoughts

Eight Legged Freaks is a fun creature feature with some self-aware commentary on genre tropes that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The acting is good, the pacing fitting and the characters are likeable enough for you to want them to make it through. Definitely a must watch, if you don’t suffer from arachnophobia, that is. 

5 out of 5 stars (5 / 5)

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