LTD: Authorities Investigate Sasquatch Attack at Local Cryptid Attraction
SARASOTA, FL — Authorities are investigating an animal attraction located outside of Sarasota today after an unfortunate mauling incident. Carl Jackson, owner of Big Carl’s Cryptids, spoke to the media about the allegations. “That Sasquatch didn’t do nothing wrong,” he said angrily. “If that little boy’s mama had been paying attention instead of taking selfies by the mermaid tank, that poor fella would still have his arm. It ain’t Sassy’s fault. It’s just her nature. Somebody dangles a steak in front of me, I’m gonna eat it.”
The cryptid in question, an eight-foot-tall Sasquatch, has been sedated on the premises due to her tragic encounter with a local toddler, who climbed into the exhibit while his mother was distracted. Mr. Jackson, who shot the creature with a double-barreled tranquilizer gun, has been credited with saving the child’s life. Still, the community is outraged that he was allowed to operate the attraction in the first place.
Blood, goats, and tears
While Mr. Jackson claims the safeguards for the exhibit were “good enough,” others in the community argue that the cryptid zoo has caused problems ever since it opened. A rival attraction, the Animal Palace Petting Zoo, has suffered alleged property damage and loss of animals due to the cryptid exhibits. “We had the cutest little goats,” said Tammy Peters, owner of the Animal Palace. “Not long after that redneck showed up, I came in one morning and all of them were dead! Looked like something had sucked their blood right out.” Ms. Peters, visibly upset, continued, “He swore up and down he didn’t know anything about it, but I know his damn chupacabra got out.”
Mr. Jackson denies that his chupacabra was responsible for the goats’ demise, and suggested that a coyote was at fault. “She’s just jealous,” he alleged in reference to Ms. Peters’ allegations. “Who wants to feed ducks when you can see a real live mermaid?”
He gestured behind him to an algae-covered tank, where a mermaid was watching YouTube on an iPhone in a waterproof case. “I got her that to keep her happy,” Mr. Jackson explained. “She was starting to get an attitude with the customers. I think she’s lonely since her friend ran off.”
Though he declined to comment further on the situation, Ms. Peters offered her own opinion of the incident. “I heard that other mermaid went off with a circus that came to town,” she explained. “Rumor was he was creeping on her and she had enough. He better watch it, though, because that other one has a phone. She could call a lawyer.”
Mr. Jackson denies all allegations of sexual harassment, and says that he plans to improve working conditions for his cryptids if authorities allow the zoo to remain in operation. “I told that mermaid, soon as I get my tax refund I’m gonna get her a pet,” he said. “I got my eye on a baby Kraken I seen on Craigslist.”
Though he hopes to continue running the attraction, Mr. Jackson realizes that authorities may have other plans. “If they try to take Sassy, me and her’ll just run off,” he said. “They’ll never find us. She’s real good at hiding.”
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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