LTD: Man Blames Tarot Cards For Murder Plot Against Ex
PORTLAND, OR. He was a skater boy. She said, see you later boy. That’s how the hipster couple, Stefan and Basil ended their eight year long relationship.
PORTLAND, OR. He was a skater boy. She said, see you later boy. That’s how the hipster couple, Stefan and Basil ended their eight year long relationship. Two world collided almost a decade ago and then boom, it ended over a Facebook Messenger text. Apparently, Stefan told his skate brothers they broke up because Basil was up his ass all the time. He was always boarding instead of participating in couples yoga, reiki practices, and guided meditations with her. However, we gained access to Stefan’s phone, and we read the breakup messages ourselves because that’s what good reporters do. Here’s how it went.
Basil: I’m stoked that you landed that half pipe crack pipe trick or whatever, but I need you. You’re never home. I’m always chanting positive affirmations to myself because you never give me any loving energy anymore. What I’m trying to say is, Stefan, this is el fin of our relationship.
I’ll put your Monster Energy 12 pack at the end of the hallway. It was crowding my kombucha and kimchi in the fridge anyway. Seriously Stefan, have a probiotic once in awhile. You’ve got to be so backed up. Anyway, au revoir Steffie.
Stefan: I’m fucking a chick at the skate rink anyway, hag.
Based on these text messages, one can assume that Stefan was very bothered because he wanted to seem so unbothered. This would be a clever move, but every straight man ever has done the exact same thing when rejected. Silly Stefan. Tony Hawk will never love you, and neither will Basil.
Later that day, Stefan was seen by three witnesses entering a metaphysical shop, stealing a deck of tarot cards, and knocking over a display of crystals to create an obstacle between himself and the workers. He escaped, but his luck would soon run out.
That night, Stefan decided to use the tarot cards, which Basil always swore by, to figure out what to do about the breakup. He pulled The Empress, The Hanged Man, and The Death card. Now, since Stefan is an idiot he thought the Universe was telling him to kill his ex.
What Stefan failed to remember was that Basil is clairvoyant so he was fucked from the start. As he was preparing to murder her, she armed herself with sage, crystals, and the police. Within a matter of ten minutes, Stefan was arrested. The evidence against him was damning because he wrote this underneath the tarot cards.
Basil + Breaking Up With Me = Murder Basil in Cold Blood 🙂
So yeah, the cops locked his ass up.
The next day though, the cards came true. Stefan was found dead in his cell. Apparently, Basil had a witchy friend on the inside who helped stage the whole thing. Said witchy friend, who will remain anonymous confessed, “so I crushed up a daily vitamin and mixed it in with Stefan’s prison oatmeal. Basil told me Monster energy drink runs through Stefan’s veins so I knew the proper nutrients would send his body into overdrive. His vitamin levels spiked and then he drifted off to the other side.”
According to his cellmate, Stefan’s last words were, “If I die, make sure everyone knows it’s pronounced Stef-ON. Oh, and bury me with my board. Later… skater.” And then his heart stopped.
So I guess RIP to Stefan? But also WTF Stefan everyone is surprised you didn’t die sooner.
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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