LTD: Babysitter Narrowly Escapes Night From Hell
Chicago, IL. It was a typical day for Brenda Jiffy, renowned babysitter and LEGO wrangler. She received an email from Sherry Beelzebub asking her to watch Beelzebub’s six-year-old boy for a date night. Sherry found her through a friend of a friend, nothing to bat an eye at. Sherry asked Brenda to watch her son, Billy Bob, for four hours, while she and her husband went salsa dancing and Tapas eating. They promised Brenda a crisp Benjamin Franklin for the night.
“I thought, hey, that’s good money. I was used to families giving me $12 an hour at most. It wasn’t much, but my father created Jiffy Peanut Butter, so I’m set for life. The babysitting gigs are just ‘life experience’ and an excuse to scope out the hot dads in my neighborhood. Don’t look at me like that, I have a type, and I won’t hide it,” Brenda said.
Brenda is a proud 22-year-old woman who loves a silver fox.
Brenda went on to explain that she did her usual social media search to get a feel for whether or not she was into Billy Bob’s Daddy. But nothing came up — not a single sniff of the Billy Bob lineage on Instagram or Twitter.
“I thought it was super freaking odd, but I try not to judge. I can get behind an unplugged kind of life. It’s inspirational,” Brenda explained.
Brenda came in blindsided, just like the Beelzebub’s wanted her to. She shares that Sherry greeted her at the door. This is when Brenda gets choked up. “She was like super hot, like what was her skincare routine? Can you ask her for this investigation?” When asked for comments, Sherry, her husband, and little Billy Bob refused. Needless to say, Brenda would never know what moisturizer Sherry uses.
However, there are more questions that need answers. Brenda continues, “So I walk in, and she brings me to Billy Bob’s playroom. She opens the door, and there he is in his little Oshkosh overalls conducting a séance.” Brenda continues, “There was an Ouija board, candles that weren’t from Anthropologie, and a ring of blood around Billy Bob.”
It’s unclear what kind of candles he was using, but it’s safe to say that Brenda did not appreciate the scent. The smell of blood was another factor to consider.
“Sherry explained that her son loves to do séances on a full moon, and lucky for me, it was, in fact, a full moon. At this moment, I wish I downloaded the Co-Star app like my twink friend Tom suggested I do,” Brenda said as she wiped away tears. “It only got worse from there, ma’am,” Brenda recounted.
Even six-years-olds believe in astrology. It’s unholy.
She shares that Billy Bob did not speak a lick of English the entire night. She can only guess he was speaking Latin, the Devil’s tongue. At one point, he levitated and then turned his head in a 360-degree angle to look at Brenda and cackle. “He literally pointed at my hair and laughed. It was so rude. I just got highlights and a fresh cut. Who did this punk think he was? He’s not Jonathan Van Ness for Christ’s sake,” Brenda then broke down into sobs.
The four hours went by fast because Brenda said she locked Billy Bob in his playroom, and snooped around the house for pictures of his father. She almost gave up on looking when she saw a certain red-colored figure on the refrigerator door.
“Yeah, that’s right. Billy Bob’s father was Satan himself. I was not prepared for that one bit. I thought he would be smoking hot since his wife was hot. And in a way, he was because he came from the fiery pits of hell.”
When Brenda realized this, she explained she said goodbye to Billy Bob as he was suspended in the air, swiped $200 from the wallet she found in a desk drawer, and left.
“That experience truly changed me to my core. I am no longer pursuing hot dads. Actually, I’ve joined a convent, and soon enough, I will have that cute little outfit on full-time because guess what?” Brenda smiles, “Not today, Satan.”
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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