This week’s Weekly Wail is a special one.
Any of you fans of hitting up thrift stores for oddities? I am particularly fond of finding weird, creepy crap, and documenting my finds, some of which I take home with me.
My town is filled with thrift stores. One chain, Angelview, has three locations alone, to the point where you can say “let’s go to the good Angelview” and people know which one you mean. These finds are from the “good Angelview,” for the record.
So, what have I found on a recent trip? Let’s dive into this little shop of horrors.
Halloween: Trick or Treat?
This was one of the first things I stumbled onto when I entered was this VHS tape. It’s a Christian propaganda film about the dangers of Halloween and the holiday’s sinister origins. It was available for $1.99.
It feels like something that would be right at home in the YouTube channel Occult Demon Cassette and I wish I had a way to rip the tape.
10/10 in missed potential for internet clout.
Not sure if this is a candy dish or what, but this charming plastic spider was only $3.50! It definitely feels like a department store overstock find. A black disco spider.
I really don’t know what use this thing is. It’s not deep enough to hold a lot of candy, or at least a helping of candy that I’d approve of.
6/10 because maybe it is good for a candle or something?
Authentic Satanic Blood Collector
Now we’re talking. This antique ritual container reminds me of the Satanic rituals of my youth where I was the official blood boy most years (#humblebrag). This authentic ritual item was only $4. I’d have picked it up, but I already have too many crimson vessels as it stands and I’m using them mostly as ice cream bowls these days.
This smart piece features some unique accouterments that lend this dark artifact some real and on-point aesthetics. The phallic symbolism is also quite bold, I must say.
7/10 because it’s too nice to actually use for goat blood.
I wasn’t aware that my VHS copy of Casper was floating around in town still, but here we are. Casper, the movie that was only really notable for this kickass Pizza Hut promotion comes complete in the clamshell packaging. Plus, it’s only $1.99.
Godzilla is a true nightmare and I felt my hand begin to burn shortly after I had taken the photo. I did not see a price tag on the box, but clearly it exacts its cost from one’s very soul.
4/10 mostly because I haven’t watched Casper in years and assume it holds up like all family movies do decades later.
Blade: 2/3 ain’t bad
2/3s of the Blade trilogy across two different formats? That is one hell of a buy if I do say so myself.
Regrettably, however, the pair all together would have broke the self-imposed $5 limit I placed upon myself, thus I had to pass on this pair of films.
5/10 for not me not really thinking of any Wesley Snipes tax jokes for this review.
There’s a monster at the end of this book
This book was only 99 cents, but I read it all in the store like a true bastard anarchist. I technically stole 99 cents worth of product from the thrift store.
2/10 for busted pop-up technology.
Craft Object or My New Best Friend?
I must go back for him. I regret only taking a photo and putting him back on the shelf. He was only $1.99.
How do you think this kid’s grandma reacted when she got it from the kid? How bitter was her stare? She lived through a depression, World War, the Reagan administration, and for what? A kid’s shitty craft project?
I love it. I could just feel the resentment radiating from it.
10/10 because you know they couldn’t move this thing at her estate sale.
The doll’s aura was immediately apparent when I caught sight of it. You can just tell those glassy eyes have been witness to at least two murder/suicides. And all that history could be yours for only $59.99.
Fun fact about my relationship with my wife (because that is why you are here, right?) – we are forbidden from purchasing dolls. We both realize we are monsters who would prank one another with the doll by sneaking it into spots and then lying about how the doll got there.
This doll, however, would have clearly murdered both of us in our sleep.
1/10 because its eyes kept following me around the store.
I would have picked up the Leprechaun collection had Leprechaun 2 been in the actual package. Sadly, $3.99 to two of the three films was not a risk I was willing to take. This is the one time Jennifer Aniston could not win me over, sadly.
My more immediate concern is the $11.99 price-tag for Paranormal Activity. I am speaking as a fan of Paranormal Activity as a series that the sticker-price is unusually high.
1/10 because the missing Leprechaun 2 DVD broke my goddamn heart.
Crashin’ in Roswell NM: Road Trippin’ with Jennifer Weigel
So on my recent road trip to Miami AZ USA for my menstruation art installation, we decided to detour to Roswell NM en route home. To be honest, this was one of the best decisions of my life, up there with road trippin’ from Arizona to San Francisco along CA-Highway 1, and I will go into the details of why here soon.
Roswell NM USA has totally embraced its alien history of the UFO crash in the late 1940s and subsequent government cover up. The whole town is alien-happy with beautiful hand carved wood totems, murals and statues everywhere celebrating otherworldly denizens of all types, though predominantly the gray aliens of the crash (and their green counterparts). Even the city logo features a flying saucer as the center of the letter “R”. It really is kind of incredible.
One of the biggest draws is the International UFO Museum and Research Center, housed in the wonderful old theater building. This museum details the crash history as well as celebrating aliens in movies and media and examining newer alien sightings and abductions. It is very thorough and includes maquettes, statues, written accounts and an extensive research library, as well as an interesting art collection of various items.
And there are TONS of fun alien themed curiosity shops. I will give a shout out to the newer Invasion Station north on Main Street where there had once been an old car dealership. I love the quirky nature of this particular store as well as their strong desire to promote local artists. Most of their wares are hand-painted in NM and feature designs by prominent local artists including one of the lead muralists in town (I bought a magnet of his). They also feature really alternative kitsch like KISS and Ace Frehley alien bobbleheads, marijuana and anal references, and such. All in all, our own Haunted MTL’s kinda folks…
And the city is a huge tourist draw internationally, so you can meet some amazing and interesting folks from all walks of life who have caught the alien bug or at least want to check out all the hype. As a result of the tourism, the residents seem really laid back and accommodating (kind of like Hawaii but not quite as much) and there is a thriving art scene. And it’s totally my kind of art – weird and a little creepy. Anyway, I feel like I’ve finally found my peeps and am eager to return someday.
American Horror Story Season 12, Delicate
Killer Queens, I wasn’t expecting to be back so soon with American Horror Story info. But yesterday we were blessed with a teaser for the intro of Season 12, which we believe will be titled Delicate.
We are looking at a Summer release for season twelve, but won’t know for sure until June, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Here’s what we know right now.
First, yes Kim Kardashian is starring alongside Emma Roberts in a role that was written specifically for her.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that AHS favorites will also be involved. According to IMBD, Charlie Carver, Rebecca Dayan, Cody Fern, Leslie Grossman, Billie Lourd, and Denis O’Hare will be included this season.
AHS Delicate is different from other seasons in many other ways. It’s the first season to ever be written by just one writer, Halley Feiffer. This isn’t a writer most of us as horror fans will be familiar with. She’s written episodes of shows like Kidding, SMILF, and American Crime Story. The last one can at least be seen as a sister show to AHS.
As far as I have found, Feiffer has never written horror content. She is now the sole writer for an entire season of the most popular horror show in America. I’m not saying this is a bad thing. It’s just not what I would have expected. Most AHS writers are staff writers, actors from the show, or at least people I’ve heard of. So as we don’t have any former work to look at, we can only wait to see how she does.
We also know what the source material is for this season. It’s a book called Delicate Condition, by Danielle Valentine. This book will be released in August of this year. Which also seemed strange to me. Normally a book would be, you know, published before it inspires additional work.
Even so, Delicate Condition seems like a fascinating story. According to Goodreads, it’s the story of a woman named Anna. Anna is trying to get pregnant but starts to believe that something dark is working against her. Her doctors don’t believe her. Her husband doesn’t believe her. Is she losing her mind?
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t deeply interested in this book. And I have to assume that Feiffer and Murphy already have hands on it, to jump to this sort of decision.
By the way, Valentine at least is not an untested writer. Her first novel, How To Survive Your Murder, also made it right on my TBR pile. With a rating of 3.7 out of 4 on Goodreads, I think we can assume Valentine knows what she’s doing with the written word.
This is all that we know about American Horror Story Delicate so far. What follows are my thoughts and opinions only.
My first thought is that this season is going to be dealing heavily with women’s reproductive rights. This is a topic a lot of us are concerned about right now, as it feels like every day women lose more and more rights to our bodies.
(By the way, if you want to help fight the good fight for body autonomy and get some spooky stories, we have an anthology for that. I have a story in it, as does the horrifyingly talented Jennifer Weigel. All proceeds go to support organizations that help women make their own health decisions.)
American Horror Story has handled important political issues before. Last season, AHS NYC discussed the AIDs epidemic that went largely ignored in the 80s and killed hundreds of young gay men. They did this in the best way possible, in what this critic believes to be the only way fiction should handle heavy topics. They rooted the issue in a good story. A story that was pure fiction, but also true.
However, this season has a lot of red flags. Never before have I seen the guest star be the main focus so early. Never have I seen any franchise bank so much faith in an all but untested writer, basing work on a book that isn’t even published. And frankly, I’ve never been much of a fan of Kim K, or anyone else who’s famous seemingly just for being famous.
I’m not rooting for this season to fail just because I don’t like the guest star. If Kardashian is good at this, I’ll be thrilled. I’ll be the first one singing her praises. But when everything we know so far is added up, I’m a lot more concerned about AHS Delicate than I am excited.
The Last Drive-In Season 5 Premiering April 21st Exclusively on Shudder!
They say good things come to those who wait, and boy have we been patient. It has been close to a year since our eyes have indulged a full season of ‘The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs’, in fact, the season 4 finale premiered on Shudder July 1st, 2022. Since then, we have been able to satisfy our appetites with festive holiday specials sprinkled throughout the past year. Specials such as ‘Joe Bob’s Halloween Hangout’ guest starring horror’s favorite Mistress of the Dark, Elvira (played by the legendary Cassandra Peterson) and ‘Joe Bob’s Ghoultide Get-Together’. Last month was a treat in itself, as we were able to witness Joe Bob Briggs and co-host Darcy the Mail Girl (Diana Prince) marry one lucky couple for the first time on the show with ‘Joe Bob’s Vicious Vegas Valentine‘ special.
While the current changes in staff at Shudder have left fans questioning whether we will receive a new season of the popular series, I can happily say mutant family, we need not worry. In fact, to our wonderous surprise, Joe Bob Briggs has officially announced via Twitter, season 5 of ‘The Last Drive-In‘ will be premiering April 21st, exclusively on Shudder! One thing that is noteworthy, is unlike previous seasons, it has been reported by 1428Elm that season 5 will be broken up into two parts of five double-feature blood-curdling episodes. Though we have not been provided the official release schedule for the second block of season 5, here is a sneak peek of what we can expect for the first half of the season:
April 21: Season 5 Launch Party!
April 28: Walpurgisnacht Part 2!
May 5: Cinco de Fucking Mayo!
May 12: Mama’s Day!
May 19: Dysfunctional Family Jubilee!
Unfortunately, we do not have an official list of the brand-new double feature films for the first half of season 5 but, with amusing episode titles such as these, one can only imagine what grindhouse-classics will be joining ‘The Last Drive-In’s’ already eclectic list of sloshy goodness. For those impatient mutants eagerly waiting for more hilarious Joe Bob rant-filled commentaries, or those newcomers who’ve yet to experience the magic that is ‘The Last Drive-In‘, all previous four seasons, including past holiday specials are currently available to stream now on Shudder.
If you are just as big of fans of ‘The Last Drive-In‘ as we here at HauntedMTL are, please be sure to follow us on Twitter @HauntedMTL and join us April 21st as we tweet along with Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail Girl for the season premier. As is tradition, we will be hosting live watch parties every Friday with each new episode, including fresh holiday specials. The road to season 5 is upon us…let the countdown begin!
April 21: Season 5 Launch Party!
April 28: Walpurgisnacht Part 2!
May 5: Cinco de Fucking Mayo!
May 12: Mama's Day!
May 19: Dysfunctional Family Jubilee!
. . . and that's only the beginning.#TheLastDriveIn pic.twitter.com/WfeTx0shNa— Joe Bob Briggs (@therealjoebob) March 16, 2023