LTD: Satanists Prepare for Rosemary’s Baby Shower
NEW YORK CITY – Prominent Satanists Roman and Minnie Castavet have extended a shower invitation to all NYC-area cult members in honor of their neighbor Rosemary Woodhouse and her newborn baby, the Antichrist. “The timing’s been a little tricky, because there was a bit of miscommunication with Rosemary during her pregnancy,” Mrs. Castavet explained. “She had some misgivings at first, but after she saw that beautiful baby, she just couldn’t resist joining our group. We really want to make her feel welcome. Hail Rosemary!”
Rosemary Woodhouse, wife of well-known actor Guy Woodhouse, recently gave birth at her home in the prestigious Bramford apartment building. Local physician Dr. Abraham Sapirstein attended the birth. “I typically don’t do home births, but these were special circumstances,” the doctor explained. “We took all medical and sanitary precautions, and also burned the herbs and incense appropriate for the occasion,” said Dr. Sapirstein, who is known for his use of tannis-root cologne.
Gift advice: black is really his color
When asked about baby gifts, Mrs. Castavet had several suggestions. “Rosemary’s not registered anywhere, because the stores here don’t carry the things her special baby needs,” she said. “Instead, my friends and I have been knitting the most adorable clothes for him — cozy covers for his tiny horns, onesies with a hole for his little tail. We’ve been making extra-large booties, too, for his hooves. He could always use more of those. And we bought him a sterling-silver incense burner from Tiffany’s.” Mrs. Castavet did specify that stuffed animals or toys were not needed, because the baby had already destroyed quite a few. “He was born with teeth, you know,” she explained. “He might like some real animals to play with, though. That’s an idea. And Rosemary said she needed some more blankets and bibs. Just get black,” Mrs. Castavet advised. “It goes with everything.”
Rosemary’s husband Mr. Woodhouse is supportive of the non-traditional parenting arrangement, even though he is not the baby’s biological father. “I thought it was strange at first, but after a while, the idea started to make sense,” he said. “Oh, excuse me — I have another call from my agent.” As Mr. Woodhouse stepped away, Mr. Castavet explained, “Our Dark Lord has a lot of responsibilities right now, so it’s good to have the baby’s step-father involved. There’s a lot of planning that goes into the apocalypse, and Satan can’t attend every PTA meeting, you know? We’re hoping he might stop by the party, but his schedule’s pretty unpredictable.”
Mr. and Mrs. Castanet plan to mail the shower invitations soon to the Satanic elite as soon as they have been professionally printed. “The black stationary and ribbon look so classy,” Mrs. Castanet said excitedly. “And the food is going to be to die for. I found the best chocolate mousse recipe on Pinterest.”
So you’ve just gotten the pink slip.
Work is letting you go. Amidst all of the layoffs, you just didn’t make the cut. Well, I’m sorry to say, but it behooves you to go quietly. And quickly. Because you don’t want to stick around for the Firing Squad…
In fact, if your HR department is outsourced to one of those Eldritch contractors like so many are nowadays, get outta dodge NOW. Like seriously. Leave the lunch you brought in the fridge; leave the personal items in and on and around your desk. Hell, leave your coat and purse if you are not near them. You can get new ones. Maybe one of your ex-coworkers can help you retrieve your stuff later. Because you need to get out while the getting is still good.
The Firing Squad is coming.
And if they so much as see a pink slip anywhere in your immediate vicinity, it is complete and total annihilation…
I warned you… Those Eldritch contractor HR departments mean business… It’s like going to the Library. Or making Jell-O.
Be sure to follow these simple library rules to ensure that you don’t end up victim to some Cthulhoid Lovecraftian nightmare. Because all of those books in one place can only mean one thing – certain doom!
Artwork description: A bloody female face with metallic crystalline eyes stares blankly at you from her strange ensemble of splattered fur trimmed weirdness. She leans against front of an overflowing bookshelf, guarding its contents.
Image text reads: Welcome to the library. Please follow these simple rules to ensure your safety and the well-being of those around you.
1.) Be quiet. the Eldritch horrors are sleeping. Do NOT awaken them. Ever.
2.) Do NOT open any portals to any interdimensional voids while here at the library. Please check out any such books and do so at home at your own risk.
3.) Do NOT recite any spells, hexes, or incantations in any books found herein, even accidentally. Again, do so at home at your own risk if you must do so at all.
4.) Do NOT smile at the librarians under any circumstance. Doing so will invite terror beyond mortal comprehension.
5.) Do NOT burn or deface any of the books. This incites otherworldly wrath.
6.) The library will NOT be responsible should you awaken any Eldritch horrors, open any interdimensional portals, cast any spells, smile at the librarians, or burn or deface any of the books. Any attacks to your person, belongings, soul, or next of kin are solely your responsibility; you are NOT entitled to legal, medical, monetary, spiritual, or any other compensations on behalf of the library or any of its affiliates, either here, extraplanar, and/or beyond.
For more otherworldly Cthlulhoid horrors, consider making a Jell-O concoction or succumbing to the allure of the Red Lady…
If the Metaverse isn’t all-encompassing enough for you (or if you simply don’t have the time to join in the fun there), you may want to look into the big new fad on the horizon: Dream Subscription Service. You simply sign up with some of the lesser demon angel types and you’re set. Visions will start coming in your sleep almost immediately.
There are different types of Dream Subscription to sign up for.
You have your surreal shit, the working through things dreams, prophesies, sexual fantasies, night terrors… You name it, they offer it.
There are some caveats, though.
Celebrity appearances are not included in base packages; cameos cost extra depending on demand. Upload speeds may vary depending on location and times spent resting. And Dream Subscription Service will not be held responsible for what you do in your waking hours in response to visions received. Oh, and there is a chance that you might be driven to madness. But just be sure to read all 197 pages of fine print to get all the details worked out for yourself.
How do I sign up?
If you are interested, just repeat the same chant three times before going to bed and a sales rep will visit you in your sleep.
Sign me up now. Sign me up now. Sign me up now.
Registration Chant
There may be a waiting list, but they usually tend to get through the queue in a couple of nights. It can be easier signing on as a new Dream Subscription Service client if you sleep at odd hours though. Sometimes it also helps if you write Dream Subscription Service Sign Me Up Now in the steam on your bathroom mirror before going to bed. Or spin backwards in a circle three times while chanting.
Note: Do NOT use Dream Subscription Service if you are currently taking JeeperzCreeperz or have done so any time in the last century. That shit’ll fuck you up.
Also Note: Make sure you are signing up with the one and only original Dream Subscription Service and not one of those knockoff Cthulhu variants. Those are pretty much guaranteed to drive you insane (it’s even in their fine print in Eldritch Horror speak).
And if you really want to know more about a dream you’ve had, consider dream interpretation to get some ideas of possible symbolism. There are several Dream Dictionaries online including this one available through Psychologist World.
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VoodooPriestess
May 11, 2020 at 8:34 pm
Should have known those filthy cultists live on Pinterest.
Brianna Schullo
May 20, 2020 at 6:26 pm
This is great and now I want to see a knitted onesie for the Antichrist!