The five most monsterous moms in horror
We owe so much to our moms. They give us life, care for us through our childhood. And they give us fun and interesting emotional issues that we can talk about with our therapists.
Some moms just go above and beyond, though. Some moms make their kids into household names.
Hopefully, they also taught them how to get blood out of fabric. (Hydrogen peroxide and cold water.)
Today, let’s salute the moms who made an art out of screwing up their kids and caused buckets of blood to be shed.
Pamela Voorhees
Mrs. Voorhees isn’t the worst mom on the list. That’s why she’s only number five.
Pamela loves her son. She tries to do right by him, even though she was only sixteen when he was born. It’s also highly hinted that his conception wasn’t exactly voluntary.
Despite that, Pamela loves her son. Loves him enough to kill.
Too bad she doesn’t love him enough to set a better example for him. She led him down the road to being a killer. Not exactly Dr. Spock approved.
Mrs. Bates
The eventual goal of parenthood is to have your kids move out of your house and live 
successful lives. From what I understand, that’s something most parents look forward to.
Not so much with Mrs. Bates. She’s afraid of being alone, and she makes that Norman’s problem. If anyone deserves to become a mummified corpse, it’s Mrs. Bates.
Francis Dolarhyde’s Grandmother
The horrifying and deeply compelling Tooth Fairy from The Red Dragon might not have been who he was without the psychotic grandmother who raised him. While never named in the film or book, she certainly left an impression on us. At one point in the film, Francis is tortured by memories of her threatening to cut off his penis with gardening sheers because he’s wet the bed. She even goes so far as to put his member between the blades.
If you’re trying to raise a serial killer, that’s a good way to do it.
Margaret White
Carrie’s mother from Stephen King’s first really popular novel is possibly one of the craziest characters in modern literature. She’s a physically and emotionally abusive mother who never wanted to have a kid in the first place. In my opinion, her abuse has less to do with her crazed religiose beliefs and more to do with her unwillingness to become a mother to start with. Either way, she bullies and tortures her kid until Carrie snaps and kills a whole auditorium full of her classmates.
Delia Deetz
Okay, hear me out. Yes, I did put Delia Deetz on the top of the list. No, she never killed anyone. No, she never laid a hand on Lydia. No, she’s not even Lydia’s biological mother. She sure as hell didn’t threaten to cut off any of Lydia’s body parts.
Yes, I love this character.
But she’s a really, really bad mom.
Delia just straight up does not care about Lydia. She doesn’t care if she’s depressed if she’s in danger. If she’s talking to ghosts because she’s so lonely, or suicidal. At least all the other moms on this list cared about their kids. Even if they showed it in twisted ways.
But I want to know what you think. Did I miss a truly monstrous mother? Let me know in the comments.
And go call your mother.
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
If you live in the United States, it’s time to rock the vote for real. I shared this video before in conjunction with my identity-based costume work, and I feel it’s important to revisit now, with the election coming up in just a few days. Besides which, Jack Black and Tenacious D are brilliant and given the current political climate, who doesn’t want to do the time warp? But seriously, get out and rock the vote, your life kinda does depend on it (at least insomuch as being able to make for yourself the life that you want, without the government telling you how to do so – especially if you live on the fringes of socially acceptable awkwardness like me and so many of my friends).
Besides which, this video is so good, it’s worth sharing again anyway. And again, if for some reason the video doesn’t load, you can find it here.
Art Attack
And here are some artworks I made awhile back as political commentary. The photograph was shot of the scene exactly as found, of a sign above a parking lot in a quickly gentrifying neighborhood making sure all knew that any unauthorized vehicles were unwelcome, and hung right in front of a flag that was tattered and torn from being caught on the chain link fence driving the point home. The flags were meant to be interactive, with gallerygoers waving them while singing The Star Spangled Banner in its elitist entirety. The whole really spoke to me regarding some of the political climate at the time (this was right before Trump was elected President the first time). How much has changed since then? In some ways, a lot. In other ways, I guess we shall see.
So on my recent road trip to Miami AZ USA for my menstruation art installation, we decided to detour to Roswell NM en route home. To be honest, this was one of the best decisions of my life, up there with road trippin’ from Arizona to San Francisco along CA-Highway 1, and I will go into the details of why here soon.
Roswell NM USA has totally embraced its alien history of the UFO crash in the late 1940s and subsequent government cover up. The whole town is alien-happy with beautiful hand carved wood totems, murals and statues everywhere celebrating otherworldly denizens of all types, though predominantly the gray aliens of the crash (and their green counterparts). Even the city logo features a flying saucer as the center of the letter “R”. It really is kind of incredible.
One of the biggest draws is the International UFO Museum and Research Center, housed in the wonderful old theater building. This museum details the crash history as well as celebrating aliens in movies and media and examining newer alien sightings and abductions. It is very thorough and includes maquettes, statues, written accounts and an extensive research library, as well as an interesting art collection of various items.
And there are TONS of fun alien themed curiosity shops. I will give a shout out to the newer Invasion Station north on Main Street where there had once been an old car dealership. I love the quirky nature of this particular store as well as their strong desire to promote local artists. Most of their wares are hand-painted in NM and feature designs by prominent local artists including one of the lead muralists in town (I bought a magnet of his). They also feature really alternative kitsch like KISS and Ace Frehley alien bobbleheads, marijuana and anal references, and such. All in all, our own Haunted MTL’s kinda folks…
And the city is a huge tourist draw internationally, so you can meet some amazing and interesting folks from all walks of life who have caught the alien bug or at least want to check out all the hype. As a result of the tourism, the residents seem really laid back and accommodating (kind of like Hawaii but not quite as much) and there is a thriving art scene. And it’s totally my kind of art – weird and a little creepy. Anyway, I feel like I’ve finally found my peeps and am eager to return someday.
If you’re feeling a bit extraterrestrial, I invite you to also check out some of my alien-themed stories here on Haunted MTL: LTD UFOs among us; my Drive-By short story; and LTD Abducted.