Weekly Wail: My Friday the 13th Reboot – Chapter Three: The Crystal Lake Massacre

Published

4 years ago

April 27, 2020

David Davis

This Friday the 13th reboot experiment has been a pretty fun ride so far, hasn’t it? We’re entering the final half of the mini-series concept with this installment. Make sure you read the two prior installments as well.

We open with Sheriff Savini pulling up to the Voorhees property line, but we notice that there is no sign of the Deputy’s car from earlier. Savini seems confused and parks at the overgrown access road. He approaches the cabin, gun drawn, enters, and is immediately axed in the shoulder by Pamela. We cut to the title sequence and then return to Pamela observing her handiwork. She picks up the walkie on Savini’s belt, tastes a bit of blood from his shoulder, and then channeling some dark force radios into the station in Savini’s voice.

She mentions that everything is fine and that everyone should just pick up tomorrow, after all, “I already sent Cunningham and Hodder home for now. Miss Voorhees is alright for the night.”

Back at Camp Crystal Lake, Alice is exhausted from studying the events surrounding the camp and heads to bed. After all, the kids arrive in a few hours. We see the arrival of the kids and how excited they are to be there the next morning. We catch up with our various counselors and support staff dealing with a nearly unmanageable amount of children. We catch the tail end of the opening ceremony and the kids are then encouraged to enjoy the free day at the camp as activities will start the next day.

Two junior counselors, local teens we’ll catch glimpses of in previous episodes, step into woods to fuck. After all, this is a Friday the 13th project. We see them enter the treeline. We also see a nearby kid, engrossed in nature, enter another spot in the treeline, unsupervised. We show both these moments with a predatory camera gaze.

Alice, concerned about her research has been a bit distracted in watching the kids. Eddie Jarvis notices and criticizes her, suggesting she needs to focus on keeping an eye on the kids, as safety is everything. This is immediately undercut by Pamela leaping from the brush with an ax and murdering the two teens, mid-coitus. She collects some of their blood in what seems to be a Vietnam-era canteen. A little sustenance for Jason.

Evening approaches, and kids are being rounded up for bed. Eddie notices two missing counselors and a kid and is absolutely mortified this happened under his watch. He has several of the counselors start looking in the nearby woods. Alice tries to call the police but the dispatcher says she hasn’t seen Sheriff Savini all day, and she will send the first deputy she can out to the camp. Alice is frustrated and opts to join up with the search in the woods. As she leaves the cabin she takes a knife with her, wary of the events. Meanwhile, Eddie heads to the sheriff’s office intent to get some assistance.

Alice enters the woods, and over the span of an hour or so Pamela has picked off a number of the searchers. Alice stumbles upon one grisly scene and almost has a breakdown. She steadies herself enough to push onward. She hears the whimpering and crying of a child and finds the kid who had wandered into the woods by himself earlier. As she approaches, Pamela grabs the child and holds her ax blade to his head. Alice confronts Pamela, and Pamela gives the iconic speech about the death of her son.

We also learn that it is Friday the 13th. Jason’s “rebirthday.”

Alice draws her knife and Pamela darts back into the woods, dragging the kid by the wrist. Alice gives chase, trying to dial Sheriff Savini on her cell but gets no answer. Alice is the only chance the kid has.

Alice continues to give chase, losing sight of Pamela, but finds her way to the Voorhees property. She approaches the property from the back where the Deputy patrol car is parked, along with Sheriff Savini’s own vehicle. Alice creeps around but hears nothing. She enters the cabin and sees signs of a terrible struggle. She tries calling Savini again and hears his cell from the floor below her.

It is then that a crazed Pamela strikes, pushing the child between her and Alice. Alice manages to dodge and Pamela throws the child to the ground and continues to wildly swing the ax at Alice who only manages a couple of glancing blows. In the struggle, the child tries to escape but Pamela kicks him violently down the stairs into the basement.

Alice finally manages to get the upper hand when she slashes at Pamela’s wrist, forcing her to drop her ax. She then secures it and moves to strike Pamela. Pamela begins to whisper some form of spell until she is cut short by Alice’s swing. Pamela’s severed-head lands with a thump on the wooden floor.

Alice, worked up, heads to the basement to check on the kid. The basement is dark, but Alice is able to find a dangling bulb. She turns the light on only to be confronted by a massive, chained up Jason. In a single hand, he holds up the lifeless body of the child. And only mere feet away is the corpse of Sheriff Savini.

Jason throws the corpse of the child at the wall with enough force that the body splits open slightly and he begins to move toward Alice. His chains strain and rattle and Alice runs screaming from the basement. Jason tugs at his chains until they rip from the stone wall of the basement and he begins his march toward the stair.

Suddenly, the hand of Sheriff Savini grabs Jason’s ankle. Using his last bit of life left, he tries to slow the titanic killer down. Jason merely brings his massive foot down on Savini’s skull, crushing it. Jason gets to the top of the stair and sees Alice already on the run outside. Jason is about to give chase until he sees the two-part corpse of his mother. He cradles her head and begins to howl.

He grabs the ax that was resting near Pamela’s torso and moves toward the door, but he sees himself in the mirror. He sees himself for the first time in years. He is enraged by how he looks and smashes the glass. He looks around the room for a way to hide his shame. He steps over to his mother’s torso and tears a bloodsoaked sleeve off of her sweater. He tears open an eye hole with his teeth and puts the mask on like a sock over his head. He stands there for a moment, shuddering. Pam’s voice sounds in his head: “Kill them, Jason. Kill them all!”

Masked and axed, Jason runs out the door after Alice.

Eddie Jarvis arrives at the sheriff’s office and grabs a deputy to bring back to the camp, as everyone else is tied up looking into the missing officers and is on the way to the Voorhees property.

In the woods, Jason stalks Alice, not quite running as his long legs carry him far with each step. As he moves we see police lights in the distance casting strange beams and shadows in the woods.

Jason Voorhees is heading back to Camp Crystal Lake for the first time since his accident.

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David Davis

David Davis is a writer, cartoonist, and educator in Southern California with an M.A. in literature and writing studies.

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Joe Bob Briggs Creepy Christmas spooktacular: The Last Drive-In Special Charity phenomena

Published

5 months ago

December 7, 2023

Jim Phoenix

Famed horror host, Pulitzer Prize nominated, and Cracker Barrel aficionado Joe Bob Briggs is back in action, ready to bring some macabre merriment to your holiday season with Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas. It also gives us horror fans something to take into the new year, be that something Darcy’s panties (sorry, box, I tried) or just the intangible good feels of hanging with friends and supporting a lot of good causes.

The Return of Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas Special

The Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas event is akin to a Jerry Lewis telethon for Gen X, with a twist of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’. This ‘Briggs’ auction of sorts is a nostalgic nod to the past, especially for those who remember the telethons. The dread, however, has shifted from the … well… whatever Jerry was supposed to do (see Sam Kinison’s bit on this for more info) to that of evil goodies.

Without a doubt, this Joe Bob Briggs special is the event we eagerly anticipate each year. It’s a tradition, and a worthy one at that. We hope to see everyone on the interwebs, joining the ‘creepy links’ and engaging in the conversation (We’ll be on Threads and Twitter….tag us as you wish!) ‘live’ the only way anyone should ever watch a tv show (oh, and I guess on demand, but ya weirdos will never know the sting of the Iron Mutant Award!). ‘Live’ is the only way anyone should ever watch a TV show, especially ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ (as it’s far too hard to watch tv whilst dead).

Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas The ‘Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl’ special will hit the airwaves live on Shudder TV and AMC+ TV on Friday, December 15th at 9 p.m. ET. Fans of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ can also catch the special on-demand starting Sunday, December 17th.

A Creepy Christmas with a Cause

In its fourth year, the holiday tradition of The Last Drive-In goes beyond mere entertainment. It aims to use the platform to raise funds for four vital causes. The charity auction will feature unique props and exclusive merchandise from The Last Drive-In and memorabilia from Briggs’ illustrious 35-year career…including some of his unspoken work as John Bloom. I say Unspoken, because if anyone remembers the first Christmas Special, the autographed copy of Eccentric Orbits was featured (sincerely, a good book–check it out if you haven’t. Jim gives it 4.5/5)

The supported charities for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas will include:

The Mystery of the Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas Special

The anticipation for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas is high, with fans wildly speculating what films will be featured. Personally, nothing can beat the #1 top horror Christmas film of all time, the Easter classic: Passion of the Christ (if a snuff film about a guy who doesn’t fit in getting whipped and nailed up doesn’t scream horror story, I don’t know what does. Also: See Sam Kinison’s concept on crosses and resurrection). However, a Christmas movie I really want to see up on this is Hogzilla and Kiss Save Santa Clause! BOOMMM!! Christmas Won!

As we eagerly wait for December 15th, we wonder what surprises our favorite horror host, Joe Bob Briggs, has in store this time. Will there be exclusive ‘merch’ that Jim will buy and then accidentally put in a Toys for Tots box in the mall?

Join the Fun, Join the Cause, Join the Joe Bob Briggs Christmas event!

Are you ready to dive into the world of Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas? Do you dare to watch along and help raise money for a good cause? If so, join us at HauntedMTL on Threads (_HauntedMTL_) and maybe Twitter (@HauntedMTL) as we experience the thrill and chills that only Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy can deliver.

Remember, this is not just about indulging in some good old horror fun with ‘Joe Bob’s’ double feature. It’s about giving back and making a difference. So, let’s gear up to have a creepy Christmas with ‘Joe Bob Briggs’, filled with ‘christmas horror films’, ‘christmas demons’, ‘christmas slasher films’, ‘ho-ho-horror’, ‘yuletide horror’ and insightful ‘horror commentary’.Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas and make this holiday season memorable for all the right reasons! I’m sure Fright Rags will have another stellar set this year, too. They are perfect for the horror fan in your life (even if that fan is you!). I can’t wait to see what they have in store (no pun).

SPECIAL — IF YOU WANT Freeeeeeeee (as supplies last) Fright Rags Joe Bob Briggs merch for this year, just tweet/thread at us during the event and Jim will pick the one that makes him chuckle the most (you will need to give us your address and size in DMs)

No subscription to watch Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas yet? No problem! Check the link below:

AMC Networks’ Shudder is a premium streaming video service, super-serving members with the best selection in genre entertainment, covering horror, thrillers and the supernatural. Shudder’s expanding library of film, TV series, and originals is available on most streaming devices in the US, Canada, the UK, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. For a 7-day, risk-free trial, visit Joe Bob at www.shudder.com.

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#ChadGetsTheAxe Coming Out September 1st

Published

8 months ago

August 31, 2023

J.M. Brannyk

Look, I’m a simple guy. Sure, I like my Small Town Monsters and my silly-billy movies about cats eating people.

But sometimes there comes a film that’s smartly written, full of humor and social commentary, plus great acting. Oh, and scares that actually scare the shit out of me.

Almost a year to the date, I got to watch such a film called #CHADGETSTHEAXE that I saw as a screener for FilmQuest Fest in October, 2022. And I was blown away by the talents of director/co-writer Travis Bible and co-writer/producer Kemerton Hargrove; starring Spencer Harrison Levin (Black Jesus), Michael Bonini (New Amsterdam), Taneisha Figueroa (Duck World), Cameron Vitosh (Walker), Brandon Doyle (Murder Made Me Famous), and Shun Hagins (Snitch).

Mini-Review, I swear it’s short:

And, I know, I know, I know. ‘But Brannyyyyk, isn’t livestreaming horror movies just a flash in the pan? Hasn’t it been done beforeeee?’ For one, stop saying it like that, it’s weird. For two, not like this. The care and attention that went into #CHADGETSTHEAXE is wickedly clever with such tongue-in-cheek humor of influencers, humanity, and the toxic culture of fandom. It’s the shining example of live-streaming movies because it’s so f-ing smart.

Case in point, the characters are living up to their personas. However, even when the personas are ragged and driven to the edge of life and death, we never see them as people, fully dimensional people, because we never see them break away from their devices. There’s never a shot that shows us ‘hey, this is a film, now let’s see them as the real character they are’. The actors are really carrying dual roles as the personas and the real people underneath; as they are struggling to keep up appearances in front of the millions of viewers.

Plus, don’t get me started on the characters within the livestream feed, along with running jokes and clues to the haunted house.

Anyway, I don’t want to give too much away as I’m going to be covering it on Streamin’ Demons soon. But I wanted to also tease about the fact that I’m going to be interviewing some VIPs from the movie for What’s Kraken? So, shhh, only tell your closest friends because it’s going to be incredible.

It has the characters taking selfies in front of an axe killer

Join the Hype Train:

Adapted from an award-winning short with the same title, #ChadGetsTheAxe follows four social media influencers as they live-stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a Satanic Cult. Things don’t go well. And as the violence ramps up… so do the views.

The film premiered at FilmQuest in October 2022 and Internationally at FrightFest Glasgow in March 2023 where it was well received by critics. #ChadGetsTheAxe was produced by Travis Bible, Eric Gibson, Kemerton Hargrove, and Frances O’Hanlon, while Dream Big Group serves as executive producers.

The Horror Collective is the genre label of Entertainment Squad — a production and distribution company founded by veteran producer Shaked Berenson (TURBO KID, TALES OF HALLOWEEN). The label’s latest releases include the Daytime Emmy nominated Limited Series DOOMSDAY, the killer-pants Shudder Original SLAXX, and the critically acclaimed horror-comedy SUMMONING SYLVIA.

Website: https://thehorrorcollective.com/

I’m hoping it gets DVD distribution one day because I’m old and I need DVDs for when the zombie apocalypse happens.

Breaking News

June Title for Arrow Streaming

Published

11 months ago

June 1, 2023

J.M. Brannyk

Welcome to June! There’s so much on the hopper for Arrow that I just have to give you, my friends, the hot goss.

Just a picture of the stuff I'm talking about after the picture.

June 2nd: Paul Joyce Documentaries

June 2nd kicks off the month with ARROW’s latest curation of Paul Joyce documentaries, this time looking at legendary filmmaker John Cassavetes, straight from the mouth of his friend and collaborator co-star Peter Falk (Columbo) in Out of the Shadows: The Films of John Cassavetes.

After a six year directing hiatus, Monte Hellman sat down with Paul Joyce and just talked for an hour while Joyce filmed. The result is Plunging on Alone: Monte Hellman’s Life In a Day.

June 2nd: the wild world of Ero Guro

What is Ero Guro? Well, the Japanese sub-genre of horror and pink films Ero Guro combines the erotic (ero) and the grotesque (guro) to deviant, decadent and unforgettable effect. ARROW’s Ero Guro collection features the unholy trinity of core Ero Guro films, Teruo Ishii’s Shogun’s Joy of Torture and Horrors of Malformed Men and Yasuzo Masumura’s Blind Beast, plus plenty more exciting, explicit and enticingly depraved delights to delve into.

Titles Include: Shogun’s Joy of Torture, Blind Beast, Irezumi.

June 6th: Warriors Two (US/CA)

After making his directorial debut with the intense The Iron-Fisted Monk and firmly solidifying his worth at Golden Harvest, Sammo Hung would be given more creative control behind the camera. Now able to inject more of his own personality, Hung would bring to life the more upbeat (yet only slightly less violent) Wing Chun cult classic: Warriors Two!

Predating the Ip Man tetralogy by three decades – as well as Hung’s own The Prodigal Son (starring Yuen Biao as the younger incarnation of Leung Tsan) by a few years – Warriors Two is one of the earliest films to authentically portray the teachings of Wing Chun while also delivering the kind of kinetic and pulse-pounding fights synonymous with the name Sammo Hung!

June 16th: Eli Roth Selects (UK/IRE/US/CA)

Splatter icon Eli Roth takes a stroll through the archives with Eli Roth Selects (UK/IRE/US/CA). “I absolutely love Arrow and have been a collector of their editions for years, and Arrow Player is the most streamed channel in my house. I’ve seen a lot of Select lists, and while I agree with them, I wanted to highlight some that people might have otherwise overlooked.”

Titles Include: Basket Case, Contamination, Madhouse.

June 19th: Toru Murakawa’s Game Trilogy (UK/IRE/US/CA)

Made at the end of the 1970s, Toru Murakawa’s Game Trilogy launched actor Yûsaku Matsuda as the Toei tough guy for a new generation. Matsuda was the definitive screen icon of 1980s until his career was tragically cut short by cancer at the age of 40, following his Hollywood debut in Ridley Scott’s Black Rain.

The Most Dangerous Game (UK/IRE/US/CA): In this career-defining triptych, Matsuda is Shohei Narumi, an ice cool hitman of few words, a steely trigger finger, and a heart of stone, hired in The Most Dangerous Game by a company bidding for a lucrative government air defence contract to take out the competition.

The Killing Game (UK/IRE/US/CA): Narumi finds himself caught in the midst of violent yakuza gang warfare, while his own brutal past catches up with him in the form of two beautiful women still bearing the emotional scars of his past assignments.

The Execution Game (UK/IRE/US/CA): Narumi falls for a mysterious saloon bar chanteuse who may or may not be part of the same, shadowy underworld organization as the rival hitmen he is employed to rub out. (I’m assuming the tough-guy way and not the sexy way)

June 23rd: SHAAAARKS!!!

Yessss, Cruel Jaws is coming to Arrow!

ARROW heads to the beach for some terror with shark attacks.

Cruel Jaws (US/CA): A huge shark terrorizes a beach in Florida, and the locals try everything to kill it.

Deep Blood (US/CA): Several young men have to stop an ancient native American evil in the form of a killer shark which is attacking a small beach community.

June 23rd: Sci-fi Stunners (UK/IRE/US/CA)

For the penultimate Season, ARROW boldly goes to the stars on June 23, seeking out new life and new cinema.

Sci-fi Stunners (UK/IRE/US/CA): There are other worlds than these. Come and explore them in this collection of cybernetic, planet-probing, time-travelling, cosmos-trotting, aliens-zapping, virtual and far-too-real adventures in Sci-fi Stunners – ARROW’s home world for the coolest Cult science-fiction films in the galaxy.

Titles Include: No Escape, Donnie Darko, Crimes of the Future.

Last but not least

Cosa Nostra Collection (UK/IRE/US/CA):

The most American of directors according to celebrated critic Paolo Mereghetti, Damiano Damiani (A Bullet for the General) nevertheless surveyed his own country’s mafia history unlike anyone before him, to critical and box office success.

Full of twists and a fascinating meta-commentary on cinema, Damiani points the camera at himself and the genre as he investigates the social impact of mafia violence, a fitting end to this survey of Damiani’s Cosa Nostra.

Titles Include: Day of the Owl, The Case is Closed, Forget It, How To Kill a Judge.

About ARROW:

From Arrow Films, a recognized world-leader in curation and creation, ARROW is a premium platform giving audiences an unparalleled viewing experience across multiple devices, so fans can explore the films and TV shows that the Arrow brand is famous for.

Specially curated by members of the ARROW team, ARROW is home to premium film and TV entertainment, exclusive new premieres, cutting edge cinema, international classics and cult favorites – such as the works of Lars Von Trier, Brian De Palma, Dario Argento, David Cronenberg and Park Chan-wook, and brand-new short films from both new and established filmmakers.

In the coming months, ARROW will be adding Oscar-winning hits, European classics, Asian cinema masterworks, rediscovered Westerns, offbeat gems and much more as part of ARROW’s international strategy to support and celebrate the medium of film.

For more information on ARROW and its titles, please contact: justin@justincookpr.com or visit https://www.arrow-player.com.

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/ArrowVideoUK

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arrowPlayer

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Arrow_Player

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ArrowVideo