Weekly Wail: In which I try to reboot Friday the 13th.
I absolutely adore Jason Voorhees as a slasher but, if I am being honest, I do not adore most of the Friday the 13th films. To me it a franchise that was successful in spite of the somewhat arbitrary and strange choices made in the series, particularly early on.
The first film is fine as a novelty. The mother of the drowned boy being a killer is a fun idea and it made for a solid film, even with the strange addition of the drowned Jason pulling Alice under the lake in a dream sequence. The reveal Jason is alive in the sequel is, for lack of a better word, tolerable. It’s a stretch – this is me being generous. It doesn’t really make sense given the first film as Pamela goes on about the death of Jason, only for him to be alive in the woods in the sequel. The fact the series does not even really find it’s footing, or even the real, iconic look of Jason until the third film is a problem. The first three films feel disjointed and almost random in their conception.
I still love them, though. They’re fun, strange little movies, and by the end of Friday the 13th III we get the iconic Jason. Somehow the series strikes gold with the third film and builds a franchise with increasingly diminishing results.
Yet Jason Voorhees still has an allure to him, doesn’t he? It is what has drawn me back to re-watching the first eight films on Shudder with my girlfriend. It’s been great, but the necessity of needing to overlook how messy the series is led me to thinking about how I might reboot Friday the 13th to make for a more cohesive story.
Crystal Lake – A Miniseries
My first idea is rather than do a singular film, I would want to see a miniseries of four episodes, about 50 to 60 minutes each. This series would essentially cover the ground of the first three films, but in a manner that makes more sense (at least to me, your milage may vary).
So, I have roughly four episodes to introduce Jason, his mother and get him into the iconic hockey mask to murder some teenagers. No big deal. For added fun, we’ll make the series contemporary.
Given the amount of work to plan out such an episode, I will only tackle the first episode of the miniseries this week.
Episode One – Camp Crystal Lake
The first episode of the series opens in the 1980s. We start with a sex scene between two camp counselors late at night. We are witnessing this through the eyes of an 11-year-old Jason Voorhees. He gives away his position when he creeps too close and the interrupted couple chase the boy down toward the lake, trying to scare and throttle him. As a deformed and developmentally challenged boy, he ends up falling into the lake and drowning. Meanwhile, his mother, Pamela, is searching for him.
In 2020, the town of Crystal Lake has kept up with the times, but the community is keen on bringing back a little bit of the good old days by refurbishing and reopening Camp Crystal Lake, which has been closed since the early 1990s after a drifter’s body was discovered ritualistically slaughtered in one of the cabins. That’s all in the past, though. The future is Camp Crystal Lake, a modern update to the traditional summer camp with all sorts of activities such as culinary and STEM programs.
Not everyone is happy about the plans to reopen the camp. Pamela Voorhees, the mother of the missing Jason from back in the 1980s, believes the camp should be demolished. The town council offers their sympathies for her loss but move on with establishing the camp anyway.
For the town council, the camp is necessary because there has been another murder in Cunningham County, where Crystal Lake resides. For the past thirty years, there seem to be one to two murders or disappearances per year in the area. They’re unsolved and make for a strange but not entirely alarming pattern. A local writer in Crystal Lake, Alice Hardy, has been investigating this pattern for the past five years, but notices there seems to be an escalation. She is convinced that the reopening of the camp may be a flashpoint for a surge of deaths, given the original pattern established itself in the 1980s, shortly after the disappearance of Jason.
Alice decides to conduct her investigation and we get to learn about some of the personalities of the town of Crystal Lake. In order to be nearer to the possible action, Alice joins the camp as a journalism instructor about a week before the children are set to arrive.
… and that is where the murder begins. We get a fun scene where a drunken boating instructor is lashed to a tree, but his legs are tied to the back of a speed-boat which is set off by our mysterious killer, pulling the guy apart. We see the blood being collected. The next day the local sheriff, shocked by the severity of the crime, threatens to shut down the camp, but is blocked from doing so. He decides to investigate. His first subject? Alice. She does have an interest in tragedy in the area, after all.
Pamela makes one last plea with the town council to halt the plans to reopen the camp. But she is rebuffed. Enraged she returns home, to her ramshackle cabin. She’s clearly seen better days. She grabs a beer, tries to calm down, but moaning fills the air of the cabin. She sighs and grabs a can of blood from the refrigerator and makes her way to the basement.
In the dark, we just make out the back of a large, misshapen man. Pamela apologizes to him, wishing she had more to give him to “ease his pain.” She begins to rub blood on the figure and then holds up the bucket for him to drink from.
We flashback to the 1980s. Pamela, looking for her son, witnesses Jason being chased into the water and in a rage slaughters the counselors and drags Jason’s body from the lake. She makes her way home where she cries over her boy as she prepares for a black magic ritual. Using blood magic she is able to bring Jason back to life, but he’s… different. He’s not quite alive, nor is he dead. The episode ends with her chaining her son up in the basement, for his protection.
In the present, Alice is combing through camp records and discovers a familiar name in the staff registry back in the 1980s.
Pamela Voorhees.
What do you think?
It’s a rough sketch of the first episode but I expect you can see where we’re going with this.
Look, I know trying to reboot a series so beloved as Friday the 13th is akin to consuming a live infant in front of a Catholic church but I cannot help but tinker. I do not make a claim that my approach is superior, either. I am simply trying to develop a version of a series that I love that feels a little more cohesive. Besides, it’s kind of fun, right?
What do you think, though? Would you want to see this episode of a Friday the 13th miniseries? Let us know in the comments. The second episode outline will go up in the next Weekly Wail update.
Hey there, fright fiends! 👻 Are you ready to sink your fangs into some spine-tingling Black Friday deals? We’ve scoured the darkest corners of Amazon to bring you a blood-curdling collection of horror goodies that’ll make your wallet scream with joy! From classic monsters to modern nightmares, we’ve got something to haunt every horror fan’s dreams. Let’s dive into the madness!
Before we go further – we are an amazon affiliate and if you click these links we may get money for Amazon. With that said, we won’t put up things we don’t suggest so here is the curated list as it sits for Black Friday Week 2024.
🎥 Monstrous Movie Mayhem
Bram Stoker’s Dracula 4K
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Christine 4K
Rev up your engines for John Carpenter’s killer car classic! This 4K edition will have you gripping your steering wheel in terror as the demonic Plymouth Fury wreaks havoc.
Akira Blu-ray
Experience the mind-bending anime masterpiece that redefined the genre. Prepare for a psychedelic journey through Neo-Tokyo that’ll leave you questioning reality!
Underworld Ultimate Collection Blu-ray
Dive into the eternal war between vampires and lycans with this action-packed collection. Kate Beckinsale’s leather-clad Selene will have you howling for more!
Resident Evil Steelbook
For the true RE fanatics, this gorgeous steelbook edition is a must-have for your collection. It’s so shiny, you can see the T-virus reflected in it!
Doctor Who Complete David Tennant Blu-ray
Okay, it’s not strictly horror, but who can resist the Weeping Angels? Join the Tenth Doctor on his time-traveling adventures and prepare for some serious sci-fi scares!
Evil Dead Blu-ray
Groovy, baby! Sam Raimi’s cult classic will have you laughing and screaming in equal measure. Remember, this is your boom stick!
Scream (2022) Steelbook
The slasher franchise that knows the rules is back with a vengeance! This meta-horror masterpiece will have you guessing who’s behind the Ghostface mask.
Leviathan 4K UHD Blu-ray
Dive deep into aquatic terror with this underrated gem from the golden age of practical effects. It’s like “The Thing” meets “The Abyss”!
📚 Bone-Chilling Books and Comics
Terrifier 2 BOOK by Tim Waggoner
Can’t get enough of Art the Clown? This novelization of the splatter sensation will paint vivid, gory pictures in your mind. Sleep tight!
The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Ominous Omnibus Vol. 3
D’oh-n’t miss out on this collection of spooky Simpsons stories! It’s the perfect way to celebrate Halloween in Springfield all year round.
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
Dive into one of King’s classic tales of psychic abilities and political intrigue. Johnny Smith’s visions will keep you on the edge of your seat!
🎮 Ghoulish Games and Collectibles
Halloween and Ash vs Evil Dead PS5
Double the horror, double the fun! Face off against Michael Myers and the Deadites in this terrifying two-pack of asymmetrical multiplayer games.
Alone in the Dark Xbox Series X
Return to Derceto Manor in this reimagining of the survival horror classic. Just remember, in the dark, you’re never truly alone…
Chucky Funko Pop
Add everyone’s favorite Good Guy doll to your collection! Just don’t turn your back on him, or you might regret it…
Harry Potter LEGO Hogwarts
Who can resist the allure of a magical and/or haunted castle? Build your own magical world and watch out for those Dementors!
🎬 The Final Cut
There you have it, horror hounds! These Black Friday deals are so good, it’s scary. Whether you’re into classic monsters, modern slashers, or cosmic horrors, Amazon’s got something to make your dark heart skip a beat.
But hurry! Like a vampire at sunrise, these deals won’t last forever. If you want to do a general search on your own, feel free to use our link here.
Remember, in the world of horror, the only thing scarier than missing out on these deals is paying full price! Happy haunting, and may your Black Friday be filled with delightful frights! 🎃👻🔪
If you live in the United States, it’s time to rock the vote for real. I shared this video before in conjunction with my identity-based costume work, and I feel it’s important to revisit now, with the election coming up in just a few days. Besides which, Jack Black and Tenacious D are brilliant and given the current political climate, who doesn’t want to do the time warp? But seriously, get out and rock the vote, your life kinda does depend on it (at least insomuch as being able to make for yourself the life that you want, without the government telling you how to do so – especially if you live on the fringes of socially acceptable awkwardness like me and so many of my friends).
Besides which, this video is so good, it’s worth sharing again anyway. And again, if for some reason the video doesn’t load, you can find it here.
Art Attack
And here are some artworks I made awhile back as political commentary. The photograph was shot of the scene exactly as found, of a sign above a parking lot in a quickly gentrifying neighborhood making sure all knew that any unauthorized vehicles were unwelcome, and hung right in front of a flag that was tattered and torn from being caught on the chain link fence driving the point home. The flags were meant to be interactive, with gallerygoers waving them while singing The Star Spangled Banner in its elitist entirety. The whole really spoke to me regarding some of the political climate at the time (this was right before Trump was elected President the first time). How much has changed since then? In some ways, a lot. In other ways, I guess we shall see.
Breaking News
Joe Bob Briggs Creepy Christmas spooktacular: The Last Drive-In Special Charity phenomena
Famed horror host, Pulitzer Prize nominated, and Cracker Barrel aficionado Joe Bob Briggs is back in action, ready to bring some macabre merriment to your holiday season with Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas. It also gives us horror fans something to take into the new year, be that something Darcy’s panties (sorry, box, I tried) or just the intangible good feels of hanging with friends and supporting a lot of good causes.
The Return of Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas Special
The Joe Bob Briggs’s Christmas event is akin to a Jerry Lewis telethon for Gen X, with a twist of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’. This ‘Briggs’ auction of sorts is a nostalgic nod to the past, especially for those who remember the telethons. The dread, however, has shifted from the … well… whatever Jerry was supposed to do (see Sam Kinison’s bit on this for more info) to that of evil goodies.
Without a doubt, this Joe Bob Briggs special is the event we eagerly anticipate each year. It’s a tradition, and a worthy one at that. We hope to see everyone on the interwebs, joining the ‘creepy links’ and engaging in the conversation (We’ll be on Threads and Twitter….tag us as you wish!) ‘live’ the only way anyone should ever watch a tv show (oh, and I guess on demand, but ya weirdos will never know the sting of the Iron Mutant Award!). ‘Live’ is the only way anyone should ever watch a TV show, especially ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ (as it’s far too hard to watch tv whilst dead).
Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas The ‘Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy the Mail Girl’ special will hit the airwaves live on Shudder TV and AMC+ TV on Friday, December 15th at 9 p.m. ET. Fans of ‘the last drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs’ can also catch the special on-demand starting Sunday, December 17th.
A Creepy Christmas with a Cause
In its fourth year, the holiday tradition of The Last Drive-In goes beyond mere entertainment. It aims to use the platform to raise funds for four vital causes. The charity auction will feature unique props and exclusive merchandise from The Last Drive-In and memorabilia from Briggs’ illustrious 35-year career…including some of his unspoken work as John Bloom. I say Unspoken, because if anyone remembers the first Christmas Special, the autographed copy of Eccentric Orbits was featured (sincerely, a good book–check it out if you haven’t. Jim gives it 4.5/5)
The supported charities for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas will include:
- Wildlife Conservation Network
- Paralyzed Veterans of America
- Every Mother Counts
- Solving Kids’ Cancer
The Mystery of the Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas Special
The anticipation for Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas is high, with fans wildly speculating what films will be featured. Personally, nothing can beat the #1 top horror Christmas film of all time, the Easter classic: Passion of the Christ (if a snuff film about a guy who doesn’t fit in getting whipped and nailed up doesn’t scream horror story, I don’t know what does. Also: See Sam Kinison’s concept on crosses and resurrection). However, a Christmas movie I really want to see up on this is Hogzilla and Kiss Save Santa Clause! BOOMMM!! Christmas Won!
As we eagerly wait for December 15th, we wonder what surprises our favorite horror host, Joe Bob Briggs, has in store this time. Will there be exclusive ‘merch’ that Jim will buy and then accidentally put in a Toys for Tots box in the mall?
Join the Fun, Join the Cause, Join the Joe Bob Briggs Christmas event!
Are you ready to dive into the world of Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas? Do you dare to watch along and help raise money for a good cause? If so, join us at HauntedMTL on Threads (_HauntedMTL_) and maybe Twitter (@HauntedMTL) as we experience the thrill and chills that only Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy can deliver.
Remember, this is not just about indulging in some good old horror fun with ‘Joe Bob’s’ double feature. It’s about giving back and making a difference. So, let’s gear up to have a creepy Christmas with ‘Joe Bob Briggs’, filled with ‘christmas horror films’, ‘christmas demons’, ‘christmas slasher films’, ‘ho-ho-horror’, ‘yuletide horror’ and insightful ‘horror commentary’.Joe Bob’s Creepy Christmas and make this holiday season memorable for all the right reasons! I’m sure Fright Rags will have another stellar set this year, too. They are perfect for the horror fan in your life (even if that fan is you!). I can’t wait to see what they have in store (no pun).
SPECIAL — IF YOU WANT Freeeeeeeee (as supplies last) Fright Rags Joe Bob Briggs merch for this year, just tweet/thread at us during the event and Jim will pick the one that makes him chuckle the most (you will need to give us your address and size in DMs)
No subscription to watch Joe Bob Briggs’s Creepy Christmas yet? No problem! Check the link below:
AMC Networks’ Shudder is a premium streaming video service, super-serving members with the best selection in genre entertainment, covering horror, thrillers and the supernatural. Shudder’s expanding library of film, TV series, and originals is available on most streaming devices in the US, Canada, the UK, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. For a 7-day, risk-free trial, visit Joe Bob at www.shudder.com.
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J.M. Brannyk
April 10, 2020 at 7:30 pm
Clearly this is a better idea than my 80’s reboot, which follows Mrs. Voorhees’ beautiful aran sweater as it makes its way to a local thrift shop, solving murders while committing others each week as whoever wears it gets possessed by Mrs Voorhees and/or Jason. I was going to call it The 13th Files Murder Hour.
David Davis
April 10, 2020 at 7:53 pm
Is it too late to attach myself to your concept?