Weekly Wail: In which I try to reboot Friday the 13th.
I absolutely adore Jason Voorhees as a slasher but, if I am being honest, I do not adore most of the Friday the 13th films. To me it a franchise that was successful in spite of the somewhat arbitrary and strange choices made in the series, particularly early on.
The first film is fine as a novelty. The mother of the drowned boy being a killer is a fun idea and it made for a solid film, even with the strange addition of the drowned Jason pulling Alice under the lake in a dream sequence. The reveal Jason is alive in the sequel is, for lack of a better word, tolerable. It’s a stretch – this is me being generous. It doesn’t really make sense given the first film as Pamela goes on about the death of Jason, only for him to be alive in the woods in the sequel. The fact the series does not even really find it’s footing, or even the real, iconic look of Jason until the third film is a problem. The first three films feel disjointed and almost random in their conception.
I still love them, though. They’re fun, strange little movies, and by the end of Friday the 13th III we get the iconic Jason. Somehow the series strikes gold with the third film and builds a franchise with increasingly diminishing results.
Yet Jason Voorhees still has an allure to him, doesn’t he? It is what has drawn me back to re-watching the first eight films on Shudder with my girlfriend. It’s been great, but the necessity of needing to overlook how messy the series is led me to thinking about how I might reboot Friday the 13th to make for a more cohesive story.
Crystal Lake – A Miniseries
My first idea is rather than do a singular film, I would want to see a miniseries of four episodes, about 50 to 60 minutes each. This series would essentially cover the ground of the first three films, but in a manner that makes more sense (at least to me, your milage may vary).
So, I have roughly four episodes to introduce Jason, his mother and get him into the iconic hockey mask to murder some teenagers. No big deal. For added fun, we’ll make the series contemporary.
Given the amount of work to plan out such an episode, I will only tackle the first episode of the miniseries this week.
Episode One – Camp Crystal Lake
The first episode of the series opens in the 1980s. We start with a sex scene between two camp counselors late at night. We are witnessing this through the eyes of an 11-year-old Jason Voorhees. He gives away his position when he creeps too close and the interrupted couple chase the boy down toward the lake, trying to scare and throttle him. As a deformed and developmentally challenged boy, he ends up falling into the lake and drowning. Meanwhile, his mother, Pamela, is searching for him.
In 2020, the town of Crystal Lake has kept up with the times, but the community is keen on bringing back a little bit of the good old days by refurbishing and reopening Camp Crystal Lake, which has been closed since the early 1990s after a drifter’s body was discovered ritualistically slaughtered in one of the cabins. That’s all in the past, though. The future is Camp Crystal Lake, a modern update to the traditional summer camp with all sorts of activities such as culinary and STEM programs.
Not everyone is happy about the plans to reopen the camp. Pamela Voorhees, the mother of the missing Jason from back in the 1980s, believes the camp should be demolished. The town council offers their sympathies for her loss but move on with establishing the camp anyway.
For the town council, the camp is necessary because there has been another murder in Cunningham County, where Crystal Lake resides. For the past thirty years, there seem to be one to two murders or disappearances per year in the area. They’re unsolved and make for a strange but not entirely alarming pattern. A local writer in Crystal Lake, Alice Hardy, has been investigating this pattern for the past five years, but notices there seems to be an escalation. She is convinced that the reopening of the camp may be a flashpoint for a surge of deaths, given the original pattern established itself in the 1980s, shortly after the disappearance of Jason.
Alice decides to conduct her investigation and we get to learn about some of the personalities of the town of Crystal Lake. In order to be nearer to the possible action, Alice joins the camp as a journalism instructor about a week before the children are set to arrive.
… and that is where the murder begins. We get a fun scene where a drunken boating instructor is lashed to a tree, but his legs are tied to the back of a speed-boat which is set off by our mysterious killer, pulling the guy apart. We see the blood being collected. The next day the local sheriff, shocked by the severity of the crime, threatens to shut down the camp, but is blocked from doing so. He decides to investigate. His first subject? Alice. She does have an interest in tragedy in the area, after all.
Pamela makes one last plea with the town council to halt the plans to reopen the camp. But she is rebuffed. Enraged she returns home, to her ramshackle cabin. She’s clearly seen better days. She grabs a beer, tries to calm down, but moaning fills the air of the cabin. She sighs and grabs a can of blood from the refrigerator and makes her way to the basement.
In the dark, we just make out the back of a large, misshapen man. Pamela apologizes to him, wishing she had more to give him to “ease his pain.” She begins to rub blood on the figure and then holds up the bucket for him to drink from.
We flashback to the 1980s. Pamela, looking for her son, witnesses Jason being chased into the water and in a rage slaughters the counselors and drags Jason’s body from the lake. She makes her way home where she cries over her boy as she prepares for a black magic ritual. Using blood magic she is able to bring Jason back to life, but he’s… different. He’s not quite alive, nor is he dead. The episode ends with her chaining her son up in the basement, for his protection.
In the present, Alice is combing through camp records and discovers a familiar name in the staff registry back in the 1980s.
Pamela Voorhees.
What do you think?
It’s a rough sketch of the first episode but I expect you can see where we’re going with this.
Look, I know trying to reboot a series so beloved as Friday the 13th is akin to consuming a live infant in front of a Catholic church but I cannot help but tinker. I do not make a claim that my approach is superior, either. I am simply trying to develop a version of a series that I love that feels a little more cohesive. Besides, it’s kind of fun, right?
What do you think, though? Would you want to see this episode of a Friday the 13th miniseries? Let us know in the comments. The second episode outline will go up in the next Weekly Wail update.
We’ve reached the penultimate episode of Original Sin. This season has been a bloody delight so far, but of course, the endings usually ruin anything related to Dexter.
See the original series ending, book series ending and New Blood ending.
But so far this ending has been good. Let’s discuss.
The story
We begin this episode with the whole force worrying over Bobby, Harry’s partner. They decide to have a blood drive, which is a really good way to respond to a tragedy.
In a flashback scene, we see that Harry and Doris took in both boys. Doris is, by the way, a living saint. She takes these two boys into her home and heart. Until that is, Brian almost kills Deborah.
Not for the last time.
Meanwhile Dexter is planning to take out Captain Spencer. The only problem is that, through a series of rather heartwarming events, he’s given blood twice on the same day. So when it comes time for the kill he isn’t at his best.
Even so, Dex almost makes the kill. The only problem is that Nicky is still alive. And Dexter, proving again that he is a strange and gentle monster, cares more about saving the son than killing the father.
What worked
I first want to shine some well-deserved light on the casting in this series one last time. Because Roby Attal, who played Brian, did a fantastic job. He looks very much like Christian Camargo, who played Brian in the original series. But of course, the important thing is the facial and body language. He smiles like Brian, moves like Brian. And, of course, kills like Brian. He was the perfect choice.
I also really enjoyed the scenes between Dexter and Captain Spencer. They were well done and emotional. I loved the passion and anger in Dexter’s voice when he confronted Spencer. I loved Dex playing a video game and putting in Nicky’s initials. And I really loved Dex stabbing Spencer with a hypodermic needle through his hand and into his neck. It was well-written, well acted and cathartic.
Now, in the interest of fairness, I owe Sarah Michelle Gellar an apology. Because she was great in this episode. Her character, Tanya, was passionate and perfectly well-acted. Best of all, she looked her age.
And she looked beautiful.
So often in media women’s ages are hidden like dirty secrets. Even more so when she was popular in her youth. So to see her look her age, look haggard and tired, was fantastic.
What didn’t work
All of that being said, this was not a perfect episode. The worst thing, in my opinion, was that we found out why Captain Spencer abducted his son. Why he killed an innocent boy. Why he kidnapped these boys and tortured them for days before he killed them. And why he slaughtered an entire houseful of people.
I have no intention of spoiling the reveal for you. But when you watch it, I’m sure you’ll share in my disgust. I was expecting some deep dark secret, maybe some sort of corruption or betrayal.
But that’s not it. And the reason he had doesn’t make sense. Why torture these boys with his intention was, well, what it was?
I have some hope that this reveal was false. After all, all we have is the word of a man plastic wrapped to a table. I guess we’ll have to wait until the next episode to find out.
Finally, I do want to point out one thing that is a little disappointing about the series as a whole.
It’s kind of hard for there to be a lot of suspense for the coming episode. We already know that nothing very bad can happen to our dear demented Dexter. He will not be caught. He will not go to jail. He will not die. Neither will Deb, Brian, or any of the other beloved characters from the original series. So much of the tension we might have felt just isn’t there. This is a struggle for a prequel series and one that I don’t think this series has done enough to address.
Despite the slight letdown of the killer’s motivation, this was a good episode. It set up the finale with a great cliffhanger and left us with more questions than answers. I’m cautiously optimistic about the last episode of Dexter Original Sin.
(4 / 5)
Good news to my nonbinary pals – we no longer exist!
“But Brannyk,” you may be thinking, “what am I supposed to do now that I am no longer a real being? How shall I spend my days?”
Unfortunately, the government has not released a handbook for this occasion, so I thought we could brainstorm together.
BECOME A GHOST
There are some benefits to being a ghost, for sure.
No rent or insurance payment. No corporate job, no cleaning cat litter, no AT&T trying to sell you another line after repeatedly telling them that you just want to make sure that your autopayment is on, but they’re all like, ‘Why would you pass up such a bargain on a second line? Are you an idiot? Why wouldn’t you need another phone line?‘ and so you have to tell them, “Because I’M DIVORCED, ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT!”
Ahem. I digress.
Yeah, you may not be able to venture out, much like Adam and Barbara in Beetlejuice. You may need to put up with someone else crashing your place and moving around all of your shit. Or Ryan Reynolds trying to sell you Mint Mobile. Or some toxic couple taking your creepy doll that you spent years on trying to possess.
Or, my absolute biggest pet peeve, when you’re practicing for the ghost speed chair-stacking championship and the normies just don’t appreciate your cool skills.
But the advantages are that you get to stay home, watch tv, stack your chairs and hope whoever buys your house/visits your creepy woods/gentrifies your neighborhood is a cool person, too.
(2 / 5)
It’s a good choice, but has a lot of drawbacks.
BECOME A CREATURE
Look, if you’re not going to exist, go big or go home, I’d say.
Monsters are cool. They play by their own rules. Sometimes they cause havoc. Sometimes they come around and help people. Sometimes they work alone. And other times, they have a lot of friends. Sometimes they just need some affirmation. And sometimes they’re…in high school, apparently?
The cool thing is that they come in all shapes and sizes.
Monsters are generally misunderstood. Some have their fans. Others are hated.
So basically, just like people, except with more tentacles.
The only downsides are that you might be too big or too “ick” for some people (these can also be pluses), you may have a taste for human flesh (no judgement), or the biggest issue – there are too many choices.
You could get stuck trying to figure out what kind of monster you are. If you’re not into labels, it’s an absolute nightmare. Or if you’re like me, it’ll be like standing in Subway for 15 minutes trying to figure out what toppings and dressings you want while the “sandwich artist” is openly judging you.
(4 / 5)
I like the customization, but it can be a bit too overwhelming.
BECOME A CRYPTID
Hear me out. I know it seems a lot like the monster category, but it’s not quite.
Cryptids are weird and mysterious. They keep to themselves. They have people who are fascinated by them and post on Reddit about them. Some have people making documentaries about them.
They’re like monsters’ quieter cousin who reads books in the corner at family gatherings. They collect shiny things they find by the side of the road. Sometimes they’ll steal a peanut butter sandwich or two.
Ever so often, they might scare a human just by existing or by politely asking for their stuff back.
Each one kinda has their own goals and priorities. Their own hangouts and interests. But unlike monsters, they’re not looking to rock any boats-
Never mind, I stand corrected.
(5 / 5)
I like the freedoms of being a cryptid and also dig the cottage-core vibe I get from them.
CONCLUSION: LET’S BE REAL FOR A SECOND…
I know it’s hard right now. It’s going to be hard. You may not exist to some assholes, but you are real. You have real feelings and thoughts and dreams. You have a real future. You have real decisions. Real actions that affect this world.
You have the real ability to wake up tomorrow and choose to exist. And for whatever reason you choose. Use it. Ghosts and monsters and cryptids are powerful, just like you are, even when you don’t feel like it. They have a place in our human world, just like you do. You make this world interesting and important.
You are part of this world, you are real, and you are not alone.
The horror community is one of acceptance, diversity, creativity and passion. In these times, it needs to be. We need to rely on each other. We need to cultivate and protect each other, as much as we need to protect ourselves.
And it looks like I’ll be coming out of my own cryptid hovel I’ve spent the past few years in to remind you that. My job isn’t done. Not by a longshot. And neither is yours.
You exist to me. Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Be safe out there, friends.
Breaking News
Joe Bob’s Christmas Carnage: A Bloody Good Holiday Special Fri. December 13th – 9pm ET!
J.M. Brannyk
April 10, 2020 at 7:30 pm
Clearly this is a better idea than my 80’s reboot, which follows Mrs. Voorhees’ beautiful aran sweater as it makes its way to a local thrift shop, solving murders while committing others each week as whoever wears it gets possessed by Mrs Voorhees and/or Jason. I was going to call it The 13th Files Murder Hour.
David Davis
April 10, 2020 at 7:53 pm
Is it too late to attach myself to your concept?